


The Howls in the Mountain

by BrokeBannerd



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies), Vikings (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vikings, Angst with a Happy Ending, English Loki, Loki and Thor Are Not Related, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slave Loki, Thor has feelings, Unresolved Emotional Tension, viking thor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2020-05-19 17:12:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 56,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19361176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrokeBannerd/pseuds/BrokeBannerd
Summary: After he is taken as a slave, Loki has to rebuild an entire new life in a land where everything is different from Wessex. Eventhough he desires to return home, the man who buys him makes him question almost everything.~~Basically Thor buys Loki and will do anything Loki wants in exchange for his love. Anything.~~





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The time line of story starts from 872 A.D, during the reign of King Harald and King Alfred. But it is not so...political, I promise.  
> Thor is "supposed" to speak in Old Norse but I chose modern Norwegian for this fic because I'm also using a modern-ish English.

With the arrival of spring came the raiders from north. Some called them demons, some believed them to be the punishment from the God and some called them Vikings. The tales that were whispered to me though had one thing in common...that these men "are not men". My grandmother would tell me "Oh my dear child, men fear death but these wildlings run for it. They worship it," she'd say. And at nights, she'd sit to tell me bed-time stories about what soldiers saw on the battles with Norse men. "Their breath reeks of death and their bodies with cold blood. They draw dark circles around their eyes to call out to the devil to accompany them to hell. Ever since those savages came to Wessex in the summer I pray each day for a winter that lasts forever."

I, young as I was had an eternity of nightmares of these Norse men. I dreamt of them invading Wessex with all its glory using nothing but axes; killing all that was on their road and not even showing mercy to animals. My father, a young man back in those days often reminded me of the bravery our ruler Æthelwulf. He was a magnificent king as my father said. And indeed he desired to have us living in peace.

Or at least he tried.

After his death, for more than a decade came his sons on the throne only to leave it one after another. Wessex had grown weak. I left my homeland to learn the ways of trading in Northumbria as many did but fate was cruel to me. On my first night during the longest journey of my life, the Norse men came.

I had no place for the night. I was new to the land and many people despised the idea of inviting a stranger to their home and little coins I carried did not promise a comfortable night at a brothel. I had taken shelter in a stable that evening; my horse my only protector. It was little before midnight when the first scream woke me. I did not need to ask anyone what had happened, I knew already. I had anticipated this moment for years. The last raid of Vikings was five years ago and they were expected any minute, even in Northumbria.

I tried to reach for my horse when the stable door was burst open and few men rushed in; yelling and speaking in a language I had not heard before. I instinctively hid behind the mess of crops i had earlier laid on top of and prayed the lord I had long forgotten to rescue me. That was pointless. How many people in this village were praying for the same redemption? And god probably was not going to answer any of us anyways.

The voices of men kept approaching until they were merely ten feet away from me. I could not understand one single word they were saying but I managed to find out there were four different voices and they were having a serious conversation now. One of them walked towards my horse who was practically mounted above me. He brushed a hand down her long neck and the poor creature panicked, jumping and kicking around with her legs. She kicked me in the ribs twice, causing me to squirm and bite my lip in pain. I did not make a single voice.

Minutes later the men were almost finished and ready to go. I was on the edge of happy tears I had survived when one of them approached my horse again, others to rest of animals. They did not want to lose anything.

I tried to remain quiet as I had before. But when the horse was pulled away, to my absolute horror I remembered I had tied her leg to mine incase of any burglars. Good lord! I struggled to stretch my hands downwards to untie the rope without making any noise or make any visible movements. After a few attempts, I eventually grabbed the rope, hooking my little finger under the node to pull it upwards. I was almost there, almost--

Then my hand was grabbed. I could feel my heart stop beating that moment. And before I could resume my breathing, someone was leaning over me. He was huge, with red hair and beard and had a knife on my throat. "Finna!" He smiled.

~~~~~

The Norse men did to the small village what they did best, which was to burn and destroy everything they saw on their way. They slaughtered men, stole healthier children and raped women. I had been waiting for death but instead I was carried to one of their boats. The red headed man grabbed my hands, laced them behind me and pushed me into the boat roughly. I was seated next to a group of priests on their ship, watching as England faded into the dust of fire and fog of twilight.

I knew for real in that moment what being truly helpless feels like. I had no gold nor silver, my name had little value to these man who did not understand my language and my body came of no great use. I was learnt how to handle a sword but fighting was never my sport. Whereas my brothers spent hours in the fields of battle and training areas, I enjoyed memorizing every dark little corner of libraries and learnt the ways of theatre.

I regarded my frozen hands and torn custom. I sure now only valued as much as the power in my arms. I would have to wash their home and harvest their land worship their gods. I could never see my father and my brothers again and although that was something I previously thought I wanted, it pained me so now. I had seen people who were ripped of all their all belongings back in Wessex but here I was in a worse condition. At least they had a name and tongue but here, I had none.

  
After hours of heading straight to north the climate changed. The ship was riding slower and as it went on, the chill in the air grew. The tip of my fingers turned crimson red and numb. I huffed into my fist, sitting tighter to keep from shivering before these men. They may have me in chains but for my father, I would never allow them to see me weak. I was not giving them the satisfaction.

I dared myself then to observe them. Their faces weren't as frightening as my grandmother had said but they did look wilder and bigger than my people. I noticed some fighters to be women and some extremely old, these people truly did not fear death.  
  
One of the fighters caught me staring at him and walked to me. I tried to appear fearless for the kick or threat that would come but he knelt before me, giving me a coat to cover myself. I was mesmerized, torn between my pride and my needs. He seemed to notice because he smiled and nodded like he was saying it's alright. I gingerly grabbed it to cover my knees and the man sat in front of me. "Name Fandral." He pointed to himself, then to me"You?"

I was shocked! This Norse man was speaking our language! I swallowed, should I talk or refuse the conversation? I looked around us, other Vikings were much more scary than him. He shook his head. "I hurt you not. I ...good. Volstagg... slay weak. You weak. You talk, me. You silent, Volstagg." He struggled with words but at least I could talk with someone.  
  
"Why?" I asked him. "Why are you doing this?"

"You read the bokkee?" Fandral asked me. "Bo....Bookke...Book?"

I nodded, but I did not understand why he was asking me that. "Yes, I read"

"You help me read?"

 _Oh_ that was what he wanted? For me to teach him? "I want to go home," I said.

"home here," he pointed to the image of stiff mountains forming in the horizon of sea.

~~~~~

  
My hands tied to the hands of others, I was forced to stand barefoot in the muds of a harbor. It was fascinating, the Norsemen's city looked identical to ours. It was not a place in-between the forest or some deadly cave as the rumors in Wessex described it. There were houses, shops, children running around. I saw fighters running to their families and kissing their wives and husbands as if it was not them burning my people only a day ago.

I noticed the red-haired man Volstagg staying on the ship as it was once again beginning to float. Fandral smiled at me, letting me know he had kept his promise. I nodded at him. "I have silver farm. I go to it. I here after. Then, you help me read." He had said. I watched as he disappeared in the woods behind the harbor. This was like a fortune in the midst of a disaster , I told myself. Fendral looked less monstrous than most of them and he seemed enthusiastic to learn reading just as I was willing to stay alive.

It was then when a few Vikings came to us, observing us from head to toe. Most of them took interest in woman and bulkier men and a slim young boy such as me was not in their interest. I was not a woman and the muscles of my body were not so greatly pronounced. My legs seemed even skinnier. To them I was only one more hungry belly to full. Some people took my jaw in their hands to see if my teeth were white or perfectly shaped. Although it was, the fragility of my pale skin was displeasing to their eyes. I was happy. I was waiting for Fandral to take me to his farm.

I was standing as motionless as I could when a few men climbed on the pier. Their clothes were more fit and were made of fur. They look healthier and more rich. One of which had a dark red cape falling gracefully from his shoulders and he was the tallest man I had seen. His armor was all silver and his long blonde hair was half braided on his side.

He caught me staring at him and left the girl on the front to come stand before of me. I tried to shy away but his rough hands grabbed the back of my neck and brought our faces close. He stared at me deep in the eyes. His hands travelled lower, touching my arms, shoulder blades and flanks. I felt intimidated. Was there anyone who wouldn't in presence of such human? He looked like he could break my bones with a single finger. I tried to keep my breath from turning into scared pants but I was not successful. He noticed and grinned, as if pleased. I still refused to look at his face but if that was unpleasing, he did not show it. He then nodded towards the man who was selling us and-- _no no no!_

He was buying me! I struggled to stay in place, swirling away from his hold. He seemed even more amused to witness my disinterest. He murmured something to one of his men and walked away while I was taken away from harbor to a house on the side of the beach. I did not see Fandral.

  
~~~~

I learnt the name of the man who bought me not minutes after I left the bay. Jarl Thor. I did not know what Jarl meant but many people whispered it as some of Thor's men took me to his house. It was more luxurious than many summer houses even in England. The thick wooden walls were all adorned with complicated drawings of battle sceene. It appeared to be of copper and silver, which led me to wonder to myself, who was this man?

"Thor er Jarl i denne byen," the man told me, noticing my overwhelmed face. "Han er en venn av kong Harald, Han er rikere enn din feige konge," He smiled proudly, definitely relative to something he just said that I did not understand. His dark black hair looked quite similar to mine, but he resembled eastern men.

He took me to a bathing chamber next. The water was not as warm as the ones in Wessex but nothing here was warm. I was careful the entire time to memorize everything incase I had an opportunity to run away. It was not probable, but I was not the man to lose hope. After a long bath, the man fetched me with a long green tunic and a fur clothe to dry my hair. He did not allow me any privacy to change but his eyes were carefully downcast.

Once he was satisfied with my new state, he guided me to the greatest bedroom in the house, the one at the end of all. From all the maids attending it I knew this had to be Thor's. So I was here to clean his room as well?

But that question was wiped from my mind when I set feet inside the chamber. It was neat already, and it certainly did not need any more polishing. "What am i doing here?" I asked, confused. The man shrugged, pointing to the bedding before closing the door on me.

The room did not have much furniture; a single bed, a table, a pair of chairs and a huge empty barrel for bathing in front of a cozy fireplace. Some animal horns and small statues of their gods were hanging from the wall to separate it from the houses of earls in Wessex, whereas crosses and bibles were kept.

On the table stood two glasses of mead, unexpectedly some grapes and a loaf of bread. No spoons or plate was there which made me wonder, do these people eat with their bare hands?

I was still examining when the door creaked open and the heat of another body entered the room. "Det er kaldt ute," i did not even need to turn around to know it was...well..it was...my master. "Jeg skal bli i huset i morgen."

I spun to regard him fully. He had not seen me yet, he was too busy shaking the mud from his cape. I took the few seconds to observe him. Here, in the intimacy of bedroom with the only light being fire in a corner, he seemed even larger. He was buried in a thick armor and layers of fur while I only had a thin tunic with nothing underneath it. It made me feel vulnerable. Then, he looked up and our eyes were locked.

He appeared older now, with more wrinkles on his forehead and the frown in his brows. I swallowed as his eyes ranked all over me. He stripped of his cape and armors, walking towards me in a white long shirt and leather leggings.

He was slow, he took his time devouring me with his eyes. I expected him to talk, tell me of my duties, then call me a filthy Christian and then kick me out so he could bed one of the maids. But what he did next was completely unexpected. He hooked a finger beneath the collar of my shirt and exposed my right shoulder. Then undid the few ties of its front. The tunic sunk lower, exposing both my arms and my chest. I shivered from the sudden attack of cold. Gasping, I tried taking a step backward but he held my wrist. "Ingen bevegelse...Stay still" he said in my tongue and it froze me. I was not here for labor, I was his--

Without preparation, he pulled me towards his body until we were flushed together. He hid his face in my neck to breathe me and to my absolute horror he began rolling his hips into my thigh, making me aware of his growing manhood. I panicked. From whatever humiliating scenario I had prepared myself for, surely this was not one. If I had any clue that I was going to be forced into this, I would have drowned myself in the bath.

I grabbed his biceps to push him away, using all my energy to throw him on the ground but he was stronger. "Still" he repeated. I had not realized when there were tears in my eyes. He did not notice. Instead, he spun me to press me against a wall. I fought him but thers was no use. He pushed my tunic up to put my behind at his mercy. I was still squirming when I felt his manhood in-between my buttocks as he rubbed himself there. I gasped and prepared myself for the worse but he did not enter me yet. I did not know whether to be glad about it or not. He was going to that after all. Sooner or later.

It was mere moments before his grunts grew louder. He clutched to the ruffled tunic that was ranked a little higher than my waist and put his entire muscle strength into pumping me against the wall with each of his thrusts. I was scared. I prayed to anything above, anything, for him to _just_ finish and leave me alone. But he just kept going.

At some point he had ripped my collar entirely and was biting into the meat of my shoulders and neck, lifting my right leg to place himself easier as he emptied his load on my buttocks. I had not once, ever, felt like that in my life. Disgusting. Used. I had bedded women before and though the joy I experienced was no different to the times when I took care of myself, I was not at least forced into it. I did not know how to feel, to be afraid? to cry? to sob? nothing. so I just stood there, panting along with him.

Thor eventually left the height of his orgasm and stood away from me.

"Jeg er Thor," he introduced himself. I figured I must turn around. The action was simple, but the trail of his load that was running down my thighs made it too difficult. I fixed my shirt clumsily before his mischevious eyes. "Du?" He asked me.

He wanted my name. "Henry,"

His eyebrows arched. "Nej. Du er Loki fra nå. For evigheten "

I was puzzled. I could not comprehend. He patted his chest. "Thor," he said, then touched the side of my face gently. "Loki,"

"Loki," I repeated, I feared him greatly in that moment. If he wanted me to change name, I did not wish to fight him. If he wanted me to run naked in freezing snow in that moment, I'd do it. "Loki."

He liked what he heard. Then right when I was ready to be excused, he climbed on his bed and patted the pillow on his side. My place. I did not carry myself there, the shiver in my legs did. Thor hugged me from behind as I struggled to breathe in his arms. It was a miracle how I did not die from sheer panic. I was going to escape this life if this was my reality from now. I sobbed then, the first voice I had made since he touched me and then I could not stop. Thor heard me, how could he not? He held me tighter which only made me cry harder. After minutes, his grip loosened.

I did not sleep until the twilight. Not until the wolves howled in the mountains.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

  
Wessex never had incredibly warm summers. Here, the summer was as cold as the most freezing nights in England. Where in my land I woke up to the sound of seabirds calling the morning, on the edge of north all could be heard was crows and owls.  
The breeze was ruthless, creeping inside from the cracks of walls and ceiling. I tried to squirm away from it, hiding my toes beneath the bear fur and my hands underneath each other. Thor was behind me. His breathing was deep and content. Me? I had been awake half the night in fear. The other half I had been asleep was also because of him; to forget the fear.

I was counting his breaths, in, out, in, out, in--before I was once lost in sweet morning dreams.

Next time I woke up was because of a maid, a girl who was placing a set of glasses and a bowel of hot liquid on the table near the bed. I jolted, crawling backwards on the bed until I hit the headboard. The woman looked just like those men who invaded my land: black painting around her eyes, hair angrily braided and drawings all over her face. Her eyes were locked into mine before Thor chuckled from the corner of the room.  
"Takk, Val. Du kan gå."

She bowed to Thor but smirked at me before leaving. One more person added to the list of those I hated. I dared myself to look away from the food she had brought us. I seached for Thor. He was sitting in barrel of warm water. His hair, once braided was now let lose around his shoulder. He was watching me with an amused look. I tried to look away but my gaze eventually landed on him. "Hei," he said.

I didn't reply. I just sat where I was. Knees to my chest, I thought I was safe in _his_ bed?  
I looked at the Barrel. He was... bathing? What in god's name? With all his glory did he not use the bathing chamber in his house? It was customary for royalty to sport and use a rather large bathing chamber in England. But then again it hit me, this was not England. He might have one but he wanted the barbaric way.  
  
Thor rose up from his tiny Barrel of water, shamelessly nude. I averted my stare, I could not find strength to look at that body. Truth is, I had usually been the tallest person in the room but compared to him, I felt impossibly small. He was built of more muscle than anyone I had ever met. And his skin was sun-kissed. Unbelievably so considering it was usually so cold he was dressed from head to toe. With his chuckle, I realized I had been staring at his body. Mortified, I gripped the blanket between my scared frame and the world outside, wishing he'd notice my discomfort and leave.

He didn't.

Thor approached the bed. When he sat on it, he had a cloth around his waist. He was only a feet away from me. He grabbed the table and pulled it to our direction. "Du spiser ikke?" He asked. Or said. I didn't know back then. I felt a tear falling from my eyes. This giant of man who had forced himself on me couldn't get it in his thick skull that I don't understand a single word he says. When he heard no response from me, he sighed.

Irritated, he ran an excessive hand through his moistened hair, causing a few drops to fall on the bedding. "Kom hit. Du spise!" He sounded demanding but I didn't know what he wanted. I was so lost and confused I was barely containing more tears inside. Thor patted on a spot next to him. "Kom hit, Loki," he repeated. Come here? Sit here? It probably meant that. I gingerly crawled on my two knees until I was sitting next to him. He grabbed the blanket from me and threw it aside to look at me in the torn tunic. As much as i attempted to remain neutral, my gaze landed on the washcloth on his manhood. I could suddenly feel its weight on my sacrum. I winced, wanting to run before Thor caught my wrist.

He placed a loaf of bread in my hand and pointed to the bread then to his own mouth. Then he raised his eyebrows. Was I-- was I supposed to feed him? I took a slice from it, small, and guided it to his mouth. His face brightened as he took it from my hand. My fingers were slightly shaking as I fed him. My eyes were everywhere. I saw the long yet faded shadows of the shelves near the window. So it was still very early in the morning. And cloudy.

On my way to this place, I recalled the sailors did not scull often as the wind was blowing in their direction. The breeze was now coming from the left window of Thor's bed chamber. Eventhough all I could see in the window from that angle was sky, I now knew the direction of the bay. The opposite was the mountains. From the right window, the head of a mountain was sparkling. It was still covered in snow. That was east and west. What was on north and south? If I wanted to escape, I needed to hide in the woods for sometime before running to bay. Thor would send guards to bay immediately.

But how was I supposed to leave this house? There were soldiers in each hallway. Five were at the door. And more than half the village had been observing me when I was led to this house.

His new whore.

I had been in their shoes. Lord Archibald in our village was notorious for such debauchery. He took new girls to his castle every month and the previous ones he sold to other lords. They were mostly foreigners or poor villagers. No-one referred to those women by their names, they were solely a Lord's whores.

I was a foreigner, nameless, in bed with a rich earl, violated but serving. What did that make me now?

The bread was over.

Thor handed me another. "Du spiser," he said. And pointed to the bread and then to me. I wanted to refuse. I so dearly wished to have the will to resist but I had grown weak. I didn't even bother slicing it. I took huge bites, I ate gracelessly. It tasted different than the ones in England. It tasted of barley like home, but also something else. Something I had not tasted. It was also very salty for my liking but it was better than nothing.

All the while Thor watched me with pure amusement like he was sitting by his favorite deity. I ignored him until I had eaten two loaves of bread and a big apple. When I saw his face, he was smiling like an idiot. He looked less intimidating, almost like a child. But deep inside, his sight was uneasing for me. The force of his hold, his grunts in my ear were all repeating in my head.

Once done, I cleaned my mouth with the back of my hand as Thor took the table to its place. I didn't move from my place. My legs had turned senseless. The washcloth around Thor's hips had fallen. He noticed my widened eyes as he walked to me again. This time his eyes were dark, I tried to maneuver myself to my previous place in the corner of bed but he was faster. He knelt on the foot of bed. He settled himself between my thighs as his strong palms held my knees in place.

"Don't, please," I begged. "Please don't,"

"Shhh," he said his hands roamed upwards under my tunic. His eyes didn't leave my face.

The moment I felt the pressure in hands give into lust I kicked him in the side with my feet. He winced, momentarily disfuctioned but then he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me to him. I didn't hesitate this time, I punched him in the face and slapped him across the chest a couple of times.

Stupid move. I had ought to know better. Wether I resisted or not, it was a must in Thor's pleasure and a must in my chore. One of my punches hit him in the right eye and I jumped off the bed before moving to the door. I was two steps away when Thor grabbed me by the shoulder and slammed me against it. He grabbed my neck and forced me to look at him in the eyes. "Jeg prøver å være hyggelig! hva er problemet ditt?" He yelled.

"I do not understand!" I choked. My neck was hurting and I couldn't see clearly due to my hair falling on my face. "But I suppose you're asking me to accept your assaults," I whispered. "But I won't," I said with more cruelty than I ever heard myself use.

That did it.

There was a momentary lapse of sensation before his hands were hoisting me up against the door. A shift. Perhaps it was euphoria of fear, if such thing exists. It made me numb. I didn't fight him. I just wanted it to be over. He tore my tunic in hurry as he attacked my neck, biting and mouthing it violently, like the ruthless Norseman he was. My hand was still on his pectoral muscles, scratching and lightly slapping it. It was of no use but it made me feel alive. Made me feel like I was still human when I fought him.

He let go of my neck to look at my face. Shivering, he placed a few strands of hair behind my ear. "Jeg vil ikke ha skade deg,"

"I don't understand," I told him. "I don't--"

And he kissed me. He grabbed my face in his clumsy hands and kissed me. It was a indecorous kiss, with him just being as barbaric as ever. I didn't kiss back but I was too numb to fight back. I was mentally tired. What was the point? Anger might have trigger him further.

He kissed me for seemed to be like hours, groping me and grinding against me so hard I was sure he'd leave bruises.

He stopped eating my lips as he looked down at me. I felt like he was seeing through me. He kept grinding his hips against my thigh. Just when I thought he'd spin me again, he walked back. "Go," was all he said before settling himself on the bed. He cradled his face in both hands as he sighed deeply.

I wanted to ask him what was wrong but it made me wonder, did I truly care?

~~~~~

The maid in the morning took me to the yesterday's bathing chamber. This time I was allowed to be alone and take the time I need. It made me feel valued. If that made sense. Probably yesterday they did not know of their master's intentions towards me for today they were much more tender. After she gave me a tunic much more fitting than the torn one, I was taken to a room near Thor's. It was a third of his; only consisting of a bed, a window and a table wide enough for one plate. She handed me a washcloth before she departed.

I sniffed at my body to look for traces of Thor's scent. I found none. Last night was very strangely fading from my mind. The more I thought, the more I came to think of many scenarios. Thor did desire me, but probably more than just a body to warm his bed. I touched my lips. He had kissed me with affection and had stopped the minute he was edging closer to his release. And although he had rubbed himself against me, that was all he'd done.

Maybe he wanted to court me first?

I was already his slave, what a naive idiot!

I took a minute to appreciate his stupidity. If I could find a way out, if my plan was clever enough, there was no chance his small wit could find me.

I needed to know the outside world, to know the directions. I required to memorize the best locations to seek shelters or avoid them. From my small window, all I could see was a brothel on the other side of the village. I had to see the outside world. I had to escape and escape soon. The autumn meant no sailing south and no ships. So if I couldn't run for six weeks, I was to remain here until the spring.

For knowing the village, I was very dependant on Thor's affection and trust. But after punching him in the face, it would look suspicious if I suddenly got close to him. If I could only use words to communicate with him... . Thor could speak a few words of my language. I had to find out exactly how much.

I took the washcloth to dry my hair. Back home my hair was too long to be considered fashionable but I guess in the Norse it was common for men to even grow their hair to their waist. I did leave a few curls to fall on my face and opened the collar of my white tunic slightly. I knocked on the inside of my room.

The angry maid opened the door. She raised her eyebrows. Nice way of apeaking.

"I must see Thor," I said. "Jarl Thor?" I corrected myself.

"Jarl er ute," she slammed the door in my face.

~~~~~

It was evening when Thor called for me. I understood this from the bored expression on my maid's face. She was a puzzle, an unexpected thing. She led me to another corridor. I was commiting all I was seeing to memory. There were rooms, so many of them with similar doors and all of them were closed. Yet on my way there, I could get a glimpse of one of thrm. A woman was holding a crying baby. She looked anxious as she tried to silence it. Was that woman another maid? A wife of a guard? Was she Thor's lover or his wife? I tried to see more but my maid grunted. She was in hurry. I followed her.

I was then led to an enormous hall which looked like a pub. It was filled with chairs, tables, fire places and designed columns. There was a smoke in its atmosphere that made it seem distant yet I was in there. It was filled with Norse warriors, food and a sweet sound of music. They were chatting and gambling and punching at each other playfully. I felt some of their eyes on me but I made no move except following my maid. She let me to a rather luxury seat near the Jarl's. I didn't have to be a Viking to know the greatest seat belonged to whom.

She nodded at me before joining other warriors. I was not an idiot to miss some of the looks I received. Here I was, pale and lithe in an slightly loose white silk, wavy black hair that fell on my shoulders and near Thor's seat. They all knew who I was. I saw humiliation and amusement in their eyes. They were all thinking about their Jarl holding me down and mounting me.

It was suddenly all too hot, I allowed myself to drink some ale. It tasted extremely bitter but it was a distraction whatsoever. The music began to get more wild and the warriors started to stamp and sing along the beat of music. It grew louder and harsher. I wondered why. Some were angrily smirking at me as they "ooh"ed along the rhythm. I nearly choked on some of my drink.

Were they going to sacrifice me?

I had heard tales of these people sacrificing humans. What if they were? What If I had angered Thor so greatly in the morning that he wanted my blood as a tribute to their Gods?

I was going mad with their noises when It suddenly went down. I could swear I felt my heart stop beating for a second. After a long, shivering exhale, I felt the presence of someone standing near me. It was Thor, dressed in a neat, well-swed tunic. He raised a horn in his hand, poured some wine inside it. He held it up as he yelled. "Denne seieren er en gave til Odin!"

"Odin!" All the men and women cheered as they resumed to eat.

Thor glanced at me but didn't say anything as he sat. Immediately after him, more warriors sat on our table. Soon they began to converse and I, not understanding a single word was forced to eat. The pork was heavenly and the ale was starting to taste better. I also ate some bread. My stomach was soon full, yet everyone around me continued to feast.

I was busy observing the random paintings on the walls when the conversation nearby caught my attention. I didn't need to know the language to understand them.

Thor emptied the space in front of his table. He grabbed a piece of bread and put it in the space i front of him. Then, a piece of bone was placed next to it. He pointed to the bread. "Dette er Wessex," he explained. He pointed to the bone. "Dette er vår styrke". Then he smiled to his fellow men as he split the bone in two. _He was splitting his men into two groups._ "Vi deles i to grupper," Then, he proudly took one on its right and one in the northern direction.. _he was aiming from the north._ That side of our country had poor defences. It was near Mercia so there hadn't been huge fights in the past years. Was Thor planning to invade from the land? No-one could anticipate this! He tore the bread with sharp edges of bones. "To streiker om gangen," Then, his show was finished as he ate that loaf of bread. "Wessex er vår."

 _Oh_.

Thor was going to invade my home.

This was wrong. So wrong. Vikings didn't invade twice in one summer, and _never_ from the side of lands. It made me panic. How many were to die? How many were to suffer?

I didn't think my next desicion as I slid my hand beneath the table to grope Thor's thigh. He stopped eating. Good. I had his attention. I inhaled to keep control. One, two. Good. I slowly slid my hands upwards until I was less than an inch away from his crotch. He was already getting stiff.

For the first time during his arrival, Thor turned to face me completely. There was a frown of confusion on his face. I brought the mead glass to my lips and licked the remaining red liquid from the rim. "Tonight, I will go to your chamber," He didn't understand but his eyes were dark. They lingered on my lips.

I saw a few eyes peeking at us but I cared naught. I had the chance to save many people. I would do it. I had to ask him to forget his attack in the only language we both understood.

Cutting the last shred of my sanity, I gently squeezed where his testicles met his thigh. I bit my lips as I did it and he made no attempt to silencing his groan. I removed my hand languidly all the while keeping our gaze connected.

I could see from that point that he made no conversations with his men. He just ate as silently as he could, waiting for the night to arrive.

I was helping my people. That was the only thing that mattered.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess whose English turns worse and worse by each chapter? yes, "me" is the correct answer😓😓  
> 

Tension.

Fear.

Shame.

Obligation.

Suffocation.

They all creeped upon my skin when Thor closed the door behind himself. We had been the last to leave the victory feast. Despite his eagerness, he had appeared offendingly calm when he was saying farewells to his guests. It made me me lose my pride, Thinking my fragile request was not promising enough.

The tension in my body began taking the control over me when the last warriors left the dining hall. Then there were only couple of servants, Thor and I. This was my part. I was confused; very so infact. How was I supposed to act? I had punched the man in the morning for touching me and fondled him in the same evening. I could see from the corner of my eyes as Thor's eyes kept ranking over my flesh. He was waiting for me to stand up first.

I didn't want to.

But I had to.

My niece and nephew were no older than five and their lives, among with many others depended solely on my abilities either to please or not please an Earl. I had enough interaction with whores to know the language of seduction they used. It never truly aroused me but I was never attracted to them. Thor found me attractive. That was the main and primary ingredient.

I slowly stood from my chair, fixed my tunic and collar. Thor, still seated, watched me in full attention. Just when I was thinking if he really is an idiot if it took him a minute to get my request, he stood. My eyes travelled up his body to meet his as he stood in his full height. He could undoubtedly break my skull with a mere flexion of his fingers.

And here we were, in his room. My back to him as I poured some wine in his goblet. I could feel the heavy weight of his stare on me. It would probably look suspicious if I only made one. He would think I have plans to poison him. So I went ahead and poured some wine for myself as well. The drink in his room smelt more pleasing than the one in the hall. I was about to see to the taste when I felt the heat of Thor's body behind me. The entire width of my shoulders could fit in his length of clavicles.

My hands stilled as his were placed on my hips. They were shaking. It was like he was suppressing his urge to grip at me but also did not want the incident of the morning to repeat itself. He leant in, buring his nose in the hair behind my air as his palms held onto my hips. His breathing was incredibly fast, like he'd just run miles. And his face was pressing more and more into my neck.

As much as I hated to admit, it made me feel powerful. The man who was just praised and celebrated by many warriors was weak before me. He didn't even know how to breathe properly.

With regained confidence, I slightly pushed back against his body. The reaction was immediate. Thor's hands were fastening around my waist as he clutched to it like dear life. Poor creature was totally lost. I grinded against him again. This time, I felt bold enough to push back back enough to feel his bulge. I couldn't bite back the whimper that exited me. Thor must have heard it too because he drove me to the table so hard the tunic tore in few places.

What was I supposed to do now? If he continued like this, he would be finished in two weeks. I let go of the goblet to unfasten the braids on the front of my tunic. Thor pressed me harder to his body as my pale chest and stomach was revealed under the light of fire. He was looking at my face, eyes all but black as his bulge grew even bigger.

This was my chance. I closed my eyes as in pleasure and allowed my head to roll back on his shoulder. I grabbed his left hand and guided it to my open collar from where it was resting on my waist. I looked at him through my lashes as I hooked my finger underneath a side of a collar to let it fall on my shoulder.

That did it.

With an animalistic voice, Thor spun me around as he kissed me. It was not a sensual one. All he did was forcing his persistent tongue in my mouth so deep I almost choked. We were still kissing when he lifted me up and carried me to his bedding.

If one had told me last night that I was going to be pliant and needy in his embrace tomorrow, I would have laughed. But here I was, seated in Thor's lap as his hands were feeling my buttocks. His face was burried in the hollow of my throat as he thrust upwards. There was an empty space there, I was not sitting on his manhood but he was so driven with lust I was certain he would spill untouched, just from me rubbing wantonly against him. I pressed his face against my chest and forced a needy moan out my throat. It was a lie to him but a lie he wanted and I was to grant it to him.

Just when he was maneuvering me to lay on my back, I blocked him with a steady hand on his chest. He could push me and take me with zero disregard but he stopped. Perhaps this was not the best place to negotiate politics with a viking when he was hovering over me with his arousal right between my spread thighs. I, however, was competent that this was the best place to run negotiations. 

I still had the tunic but beneath it I was bare as a newborn. I could see Thor staring at it to get a glimpse of what was underneath. I was not in the most comfortable of positions, my torso fighting between laying and standing, My legs wide and resting over Thor's kneeling thighs. I had to finish this conversation quickly, at least for the sake of my waist with all the pressure on it.

I reached out for the table, grabbed a bread and put it on the middle of my chest. Thor, transfixed, waited for me to continue. "This is Wessex," I pointed to the bread. I saw the minute his frown turned into bewilderment and then a rather unexpected conclusion _. so he understands more than just somebody to warm a bed._ Then I showed him my right hand. I stuck my middle and index finger together, slithering them on the upper half of my belly. "These are your ships," until I reached the bread. Then, my fingers spread from one another to go up and right of the bread; the very same Thor had used, North and west. I glanced at his erection, it was still there and to my surprise, even filler. Before landing my fingers on the bread though, I ceased the action. "You will not attack Wessex," I demanded. To demonstrate what I meant, I slid my hand towards the hem of the ranked-up tunic, going beneath it. Thor's eyes followed them all the way. "This," I said. Thor didn't seem to hear me. I grabbed his jaw to make him look into my eyes. "This," I repeated, letting my hand disappear beneath my shirt enough to deliver my mean. Then, I slid it up to hold the bread. "Or Wessex," I raised my eyebrows.

"Jeg kan ha begge," Thor smirked.

What? Was that a challenge? Had he accepted? He didn't feel threatened. He was amused. I grabbed his hand this time, putting it on my thigh. He was close to panting again. I spread my thighs slightly. "Me," I asked. "Or wessex?" with saying 'wessex', I moved to stand away. Thor stopped me this time.

"jeg tenker på det," he said.

"Is that a yes or no?"

And he was on me again. His insistent hands pulling at the side of my tunic until the poor thing was ruined even more. Thor did not seem to mind. Infact he did not seem to mind anything anymore after our 'conversation'. He took his shirt and leggings off in the matter of seconds. And it made me scared. I was laying on the bed, limbs falling open, most vulnerable than I had ever been at the hands of the man who was a nightmare of many. Thor took his manhood in hand and began to pleasure himself just by staring at my state. His erection was red and throbbing. It made my knees weak.

I had lost all plans for seduction. Anything I had in mind, was replaced with increasing anxiety. Thor, now naked covered my body was his until we were flushed together in all places. Then he resumed his kisses but this time down jaw and neck. I did not want to admit but it felt...nice, being the centre of attention of another.

Right when I was becoming suspicious due to lack of progress, Thor's hand dipped under my shirt and he poked at my entrance. All the small forbidden pleasure left my body as I felt his finger trying to enter my body. I did attempt to remain calm despite it afflicting me to be touched _there_. But I had offered it myself, I had commenced this damned flirtation voluntarily and evading it would infuriate Thor. He might even try to revenge me by attacking my country faster since I asked him not to.

Thor's finger were slick with some sort of oil that upon his first push, He was in all the way. I whimpered loudly, instinctively trying to close my legs but he pinned them to bed with his torso and other hand. He was thrusting his finger in me properly, his low moans too quiet but impossible to ignore. I gripped at the pillows beside my head and moaned in pain and disbelief as he thrust in a second finger. The stretch of first finger was bearable yet now there was a dull pain shotting up and down my backside. I knew this was only the beginning of pain for soon he would be opening me with...other things. The thought made me shudder. Thor took it as a sign on encouragement and pushed a third finger inside. I winced, tightening my legs around him.

Thor's eyes travelled between ... where his hands were and to my face rapidly. at first I kept his eye contact but I couldn't no longer; my eyes got closed due to their own demand. I was thankful for the ripped cloth covering me even if it was not a decent one. Thor on the other hand was very confident with his body as he struggled above me to create a good angle to _enter_ me. The thought had me almost in tears but then I let go. I could lay back and think of home, it would be over soon. He had been erect for minutes, it would take little time for him to empty himself.

I was in the midst of my thoughts as he loomed over me, withdrawing his fingers with an aching slowness. I was pinned to bed, slack and ready for him, much like the food he just had. Perhaps I was, For him to use me as he pleased. He gently placed a pillow beneath my head and shoulders. He guided one of my knees above his shoulder. I was at his complete mercy. Thor placed a filthy kiss to the inside of my thighs that had me shuddering in, well, pleasure. I allowed myself that little arousal for I expected the action that was to follow it had no good for me.

Thor took himself in hand with one hand, the other was planted near my ear to support his weight. His knuckles were white and the twisted blanket between his fingers moved the bedding messily. When the head of his manhood pushed in, I didn't scream, nor hit him. I just closed my eyes so hard the side of face hurt.

I kept making little pained noises when he was inside and he kept grunting in union. He was about to start snapping his hips when I tugged on the hand he had on my chest. "slowly," I begged. "please,"

He nodded but I was certain he did not understand a single word. He thrust experimentally in a couple of times before giving in to his inner animal. He fell down, once again caging my body with his as he thrust into me like a wild wolf.

The pain was throbbing and deep but it was subsiding to discomfort. Thor's face looked l like he was in immense inner battle. I could see in the throb of his muscles he wanted to take his pleasure but his eyes, they were seeing through me.

He pounded into me. I cradled the back of Thor's head in both my hands as his hips grew faster. I did not have any other anchor to hold onto. I moaned, because of the intensity of the act, not of a physical feeling. Thor did not know that, his ill mind was probably deceiving him into thinking I was enjoying this for he snapped his hips with more power. I was inhaling loudly with every push and exhaling in less than a milisecond when he pulled back. It was scary, seeing Thor like this. His bulk of muscle kept tensing and relaxing, his hair on my face as he stared down at me.

He looked human. He looked approachable. In that moment, I could have asked for anything and he'd have a hard time denying me. "You will not attack my land," I grabbed his face violently and made him look me in the eye. "you will...you will not...huh--"

"hva som helst du sier," He answered before pushing one final time and emptying his seed inside me. From all I felt that evening, this was the one I was least prepared for. I was so stunned my mouth was open the entire time he was releasing. I was awkwardly scratching and touching his biceps and shoulders. My feet kept rubbing to his calves and bedding just to ensure myself this was real.

"Thor," I begged. I smacked his side. He, fresh out of ecstasy, was kissing my chest without a pattern. Once he was out he fell a sleep right there, a blanket on my quivering body.

~~~~~

I woke up in the middle of the night to the shriek of a baby. Beside me, Thor stilled. He aggressively put on some pants to leave but then the door was opened and a woman rushed inside. It was the same one I had seen in the evening. Under her eyes, there were big black circles and her hair was a mess. She had been crying a longside the child.

"Jarl," She wept, her voice lost behind the shriek of the little babe. "Han slutter ikke å gråte," She finally saw me. Her eyebrows knitted in disgust and wept harder than earlier. "Jeg gjorde alt jeg kunne."

Thor took the baby from her embrace and pressed him to his chest. From his size you could tell the baby was no more than eight or nine month, but his wail was loud enough to reach the sky. Thor sat beside me on the bed and put the babe's head on his shoulder, his little chest resting on Thor's shoulders.

The poor creature looked terrifying. His eyes were puffy and closed, his face hidden under inflammation and edema. His lips were large and purple. It seemed like even crying was painful to him. I reached out to touch him when the woman ran to stop me. "Nej!" she warned.

Thor glared at her. He placed the babe on his lap and allowed me to examine him properly. I had seen children and adults with similar symptoms in England, especially in Spring. My older brother was a doctor and I sometimes helped him when his attendants were greater than usual. He must have been in contact with something his body did not approve of. I knew what could reduce his pain but I was not certain if it was found here. And if it did, how was I supposed to ask for it?

I touched his chest to look for inflammation there. There was some, he needed help. Upon my touch the woman looked defensive and Thor miserable. I pointed to myself. "l," I said. I touched the babe's shoulder. "help him," then I combed my hands through his hair and caressed his tiny hands.

Thor nodded, standing up to help me out of the bed and room. The woman gritted her teeth, not once taking her eyes off of me.

I was being taken to child's room when I stopped in the middle of the path. "The kitchen," I pointed. "food?" I desperately told Thor. He did not answer. Verbs. only verbs. "Eat?" I motioned to my mouth. "Eat? Cook?"

Thor considered it for a moment. The baby's wailing had maids and guards gathering around us and I could see it made the baby irritated. I needed Thor to be fast. Thankfully, he changed our direction and took me to another room. It was kitchen with a cellar near it filled with food.

I did not waste a second. I searched for the items my brother used to make medicine with but I found only a few. There was a bowl of Rose Hip, a bottle of Thyme and a few lemons. The baby had started making unrecognizable voices and I knew if I did not cure him within the matter of minutes, he'd die.

I noticed three guards at the door and some maids all looking a me with a smirk on their faces. It was obvious to them what Thor and I had done. They were seeing me as less of a man and even a lesser human. My legs were limping as i moved about in kitchen and it made me humiliated. They _knew_. Every single one of them.

I was not stupid. From the way Thor was holding that baby and the reaction from that woman, it did not require a great mind to realize his relationship to the child. It made me feel filthy, what I had done. She was not her lover but there must be another lover. One Thor had kicked out after taking me.  
I should not have given into him. Thor would never go back from his decision to invade England. He had won, both me and my country.

With eyes filled with tears, I chopped some of the dryer Rose Hips and Thymes. I ripped a part of my tunic and put the the chopped ingredients in it. Silk was not so thick, it would allow the extract to flow pass its tissue. I put that in a boiling water above the fire place. It was for Thor's morning bath but his child mattered than a bath.

I did not turn around as the medicine was being prepared. But I heard them. The woman's tune was apologizing. She must have been sorry for not taking care of the Jarl's heir properly. I did not care. I just wanted to sit somewhere and wash the traces Thor had left on my body. His semen was now leaking from my backside, making me feel even dirtier.

After a couple of minutes, when the smell of boiling water had taken the familiar scent of medicine, I poured some of it into a small wooden glass. Then, i cut some holes in the lemons and added the juice to the drink.

I took the baby from Thor's embrace. I held him steady as I fed him. The woman held onto the babe's foot. She was afraid if I may hurt him. She had the right to feel so. Had a Viking tried to cure someone I loved, I would have acted just like her. But there was something about her that left a gap to my understanding. If she could not have been a lover of Thor, who was she? She kept her eyes low and her body leaned. It looked humble rather than seducing. Perhaps she was a nanny, or a relative of Thor. All I knew was that they were not lovers.

Once the baby had drank the entire glass, We took him back to his small nursery. He had stopped crying and the puffing of his lips were fading. I kept the window open and with motions of my forearms and hands I made her stand she must leave them alone and keep him cool.

The woman bowed to Thor but a reluctant nod was all I received. For the first time, I noticed her face; her elegant black hair and sparkling eyes.

Thor took me back to his room afterwards and this time, he made me undress completely. I lay by his side, face in his neck as he whispered something In my ear, I did not need to know his language to know what it was. "Thank you,"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thank you again so much for liking this fic you guys give me life ❤  
> 

  
Thor was not in the bed next morning. I took some relief but it came with worry. Was he bored of me now, that he had experienced all my body could give him? I could not Assert myself. Was it relief I was feeling or fear?

There was a set of clothes neatly folded near the fireplace. The warm water was clean and there were no traces of Thor or anyone ever being in it. I quickly undressed as I dipped deep into the water. I allowed my skin to feel the heat, inch by inch as I crew farther under the water. First I was in until shoulder length and then deeper, deeper until I my head was completely burried under the water. It was tempting, to just stay there until the water filled my lungs and save me.

But I was afraid.

I surged upwards. Then I sat, captivated by the tiny ripples of water in the Barrel. I recalled Thor, His hands upon my body as he violated me. I could not call it so, could I? I had acted as though I wanted him mutually. I had dragged him along in this very room and kissed him. It had been me who so eagerly pretended I was interested in him. I had no right to be disgusted. He was not going to lay with me that night had I kept my own business.

The water was soon becoming cold. I reluctantly withdrew from it, feeling the little drops that fell from my skin. They were leaving me like many pieces of me had. I dried my body with one of the washcloths on the wall. Once I was dressed, My maid came to take me away.

She did not take me to the small bedroom I thought was mine. We did not talk, not even of mockery, nothing. I knew at some point this little (or rather lack of) communication was going to be frustrating but for now I needed it. I needed the silence and the sense of unreality it gave to all these events.

She guided me to another corridor and for the first time, I was out of the house. It made me feel alive. I could hear the muscles in my thighs begging me to run, damn the consequences. But I followed the maid domestically. Thor knew of my _attachment_ to my country. I had no desire to make a rational decision that would cost many lives.

People were looking at me. They had the right to. A new face who was highly protected. I had two maids besides my usual one-- the inscrutable one-- and two guards following me. People eyed me with mockery and hate, their eyes glued me. I was entertaining to them. Their Jarl had a new slave, a _man_ who warmed his bed. If such thing only happened in England. At least, they were not throwing stones at me.

They just observed us until I was finally led inside a building. There, many seated women and few young men were weaving carpets, knitting and sewing furs. My maid pointed to one of the empty seats in front of a half-made frame. Its pattern was simple and easy; one I would not ruin on my first try. They were using me, more than I had already been used. Obviously I was not to live for free. Like any other villager, I had to have a responsibility before my age made it impossible.

I had seen my grandmother weaving enough times to know how it's done but it was solely done by _women_. Not only Thor had forced me their role in bed, he was now doing it in the little society of his? I wanted to refuse when I saw two young boys doing so. Probably Norse mens lives had their own traditions. Many women were warriors and were let inside in the feast of victory. And me fighting their culture would only have me attending to this job with more force. I decided to assure myself with counting its advantages. It was an easy task. It required me to do the minimum to create something useful. It gave me time to be out of Thor's house, to be in the village. I could pick a few words here and there, interact with people and find me some allies in case I had the opportunity to run. In the end, even the most popular of rulers had their opponents.

My maid nodded to the guards and maids and they left us. Many of the workers who had stopped working with our arrival continued with their duty. An elderly woman came to us, bowing to me and my maid as she sat besides me. She did not look at my face. Was she not allowed? Was I too disgusting for her?

I tried to push those thoughts away. I followed her fingers. First, she took a woof and held it upwards with her hand. She picked a warp from undersude of it and fixed her right hand beneath the thread. She took an orange stripe out of the many stripes of ribbons hanging from the frame of carpet. She circulated it around the warp. She made a tight knot out of it, cut whatever of the ribbon that was extra before she went for the next warp. After one row was finished, she let go of the woof. Then a beater came above them. Finally there was a simple observation before the next row was to start.

"forstår du nå?" she asked.

I did not know what she was implying but I guessed she wanted me to show her I've learnt. 'Du' meant you, I had learnt that. I gingerly weaved a row and she watched me closely, changing the angles of my wrist and fixing the length of my ribbons whenever necessary. When she felt like I was ready, She left me to attend to her own board.

With an exasperated sigh, I resumed my new job. It was incredibly tiring, It took forever to finish a row and that one row did not make a change in the appearance at all. It was like I had done nothing. How long it would take me to finish it completely? The thought had me rolling my eyes. I used a piece of cut ribbon to tie my hair. It was a lose one but helped with saving my face from falling hair stripes.

about lunch time, I was brought to house once again to have a simple meal without Thor. My maid not once left my side. "Du?" I asked her. At least knowing her name would be easier than keep addressing to her as 'the maid'.

"Meg hva?"

What did Thor say at our first night? Or the woman when she kept apologizing last night? They had used some form of "I".... Ji? Je? Jeg?

"Jeg Henr--Loki, Du?" I did not want trouble.

"Jeg er Loki," she corrected me with a devilish smile. She was amused I was trying. "Jeg er valkyrie... brunhilde."

 _what_?

She chuckled. "Val," she repeated. "Jeg er Val,"

We did not say anything until I had finished my lunch. I did not want to say thank you, It _was_ their job to serve me after stealing me from my home. "Thank you?" I questioned.

"Takk," the mai--Val said. She understood me.

"Takk," I repeated. It was not as difficult as I thought.

~~~~~

 

In the afternoon, I rested for an hour or two in my small bedroom before Val came for me. She said something, all I understood was "Thor" and "Du", he wanted to something me? I combed my hair and washed my face as she instructed. She also gave me a high quality piece of crimson tunic with neat cuts and a pair of tight black leggings. Thor was absolutely going to "something me", as she had said. She observed my hands, they had gone slightly dry after working in the morning. She took out a bottle of oil and applied some to them, then my face and neck. It smelled divine, similar to Lavender. She smiled, I was pleasant to the eye.

Instead of his bed chamber, I was taken to a courtyard behind the home and after that, its beyond: an empty shore. The weather was unbelievably fresh and pleasant. The breeze came from the sea-side, delivering all the heat from the ocean. The sands were warm enough beneath my feet to get rid of my shoes. If felt nice; not as warm as the beaches back home but despite the morning air, this place was warm. Val noticed my bare foot but she did not say anything. She just walked me to the behind of the hills on to the north until we were in a training area.

There were not many people there; few warriors and archers practicing. They had wooden weapons and their shields were much narrower than the real ones. Most of them were much younger to fight real battles but they treated the practice as it was real. My eyes caught the sight of Thor then, Teaching some younger boys how to hold a sword. He was kneeling beside them, holding a small knife in his hand and explaining how to roll itbin their wrists. As much as I did try to look at others, my eyes were fixed on Thor, how he was smiling even when the boy made a mistake. Not once he showed signs of frustration. He seemed kind. I gently sat on a piece of rock and watched them all from aside until Thor saw me, too.

It made me nervous, the way his smile faded and his expression became serious. It was unnerving, his gaze was cutting into my skin. I stood as he approached me. "kom hit," he said.

Val stepped back politely, urging me on with her quick eye movements which started from me and landed on Thor. I followed him, until we were in a near empty area. Other trainers were staring at us but with a glare from him, they all turned their backs. Thor brought me a wooden piece of sword. I frowned. Swords were never a favorite of mine. Even from my childhood I did not enjoy battles and fighting. My father never obliged me into learning them and There were too many books in the house to keep me distracted. My face must have shown lack of interest for Thor threw the wooden sword aside.

He offered the dagger he was using to teach the children to me. I sheepishly reached for the handle. I was hesitant as I held it to me.

The patterns on the blade were complicated. Much like the patterns in Thor's house, they consisted of many circles and half-circles tangling into one and other. It was difficult to determine which line was closest to the surface or if it was possible to create them in real life.

It was wonderful.

"liker du det?" He asked. Then, he placed his forefinger in the blade, then to my heart. He lifted his eyebrows. _did i like them_?

"It's beautiful," I said. "Takk,"

He smiled genuinely when that familiar word left my mouth. That moment between us was strange; half of Thor's face lit by the sinking orange sun as the breeze made his hair dance, his hands enclosing mine, thumbs caressing the back of my hands. His eyes were sparkling with love; love for me. It made my chest ache. He was just as hopeless as I was. Lost in translation, lost in a temperory haze. To pretend to love was one thing and _to believe_ the pretended love was another.

The realization made me feel guilty. I untangled my hands from his, awkwardly touching my arms. Thor's face fell a little but if anything he did not show more. He took my wrist. He fixed my statue but when he saw my discomfort, he called for a boy to come and teach me. I was shocked for a minute but my experience was near zero.

I watched as Thor returned to the younger archers. When my small tutor began to indulge me in the training, I did not look at him anymore.

~~~~~

 

That evening we had a more private dinner. It was not in the great dining hall anymore but a much smaller room. Thor, an elderly woman, The woman from last night with the baby and I. The elderly woman kept eying me with wonder. She was nervous to be around me. She kept playing with her food and her dress. She had to be Thor's mother. Her eyes never left my face but I did not catch hers on purpose.

"hvordan er Balder, Astrid?" Thor's mother--or at least the woman whom I thought was his mother-- asked.

"Han har det bra, Frigga," The woman muttered.

That was all the talk that happened.

The Dinner was served with neither fork nor spoon much like last night. I thought It was a feast tradition but it was probably a part of their life. I was taken back. Thor was eating vigorously with the same fingers he had put in my behind. It made me choke on my food a little.

We ate in silence until Thor's mother announced she was leaving. She seemed wise and calm, If I were to spend sometime here, I would have liked to have known her better. Pity we did not understand each other.

The baby was quiet through the dinner but he coughed a few times. There must have been something wrong with him, his lungs or a weak body in general. My brother often said half the children who got a bad cold won't make it to age five.

The woman was feeding him some milk throughout the entire dinner. Right when she was about to dismiss herself as well, the baby threw up the entire milk she'd fed him. The woman got angry and slapped the poor child across the face angrily, causing him to wail loudly.

I gasped, this woman was definitely not his mother. A mother would not harm her innocuous sick baby.

Thor grabbed the baby from her. He called for something and then the guards were taking her out. Then, with pleading eyes he placed him in my arms. "Loki,fix" he begged. Without further request, I grasped the baby from him, too quickly for his liking for he threw up again.

I shushed the poor creature. I pressed his tiny face to my chest as I softly rocked him back and forth on my arm. He was still crying, but not violrntly anymore. Thor was quick this time, taking me to the kitchens. I did not waste a second. The baby was hungry. Above anything I had to feed him something; else his body would have rejected the medicine. I couldn't give him milk, I was suspicious that a part of his problem _was_ the milk. I wanted to ascertain whether it was the goats or the cows or sheep milk he was fed.

But How could I? Draw them? I had to see their stables.

I gave him some chopped apple and he anchored his small fingers to my chest, opening his eyes to stare into mine. Then I made him the same medicine from the night before. He was quiet, pressing himself into my chest. When he fell asleep I wanted to hand him to Thor but he just shook his hand.  
"Jeg må delta på noe," he reasoned.

Once the baby and I were in his chambers, He left. I was scared and left with a baby on my hip. He made a rather pleading noise with his mouth and I rocked him again. "Hush little one," I whispered to him. His eyelids wrinkled but he opened them. And there, in the quiet of the room, For the first time I saw his eyes. They were an impossible green, identical to my eye color. Neither Thor nor that woman had this eye color. Then she was not the mother, I was made sure.

In the midst of these thoughts I heard some voices from behind the window. I walked to the window to see what was going on. There, at the bottom of the stairs, The woman was crying and Thor kept yelling at her. "du hadde ingenting! Jeg ga deg hjem, jeg ga deg barnet mitt!" He angrily shouted at her.

She was not saying anything but her tears were so much I feared she might get blind.

"Er du takknemlig for dette?" Thor asked her.

"ja, vær så snill ..." She cried.

Thor messaged his closed eyelids with her index and thumb. He was angry at her. Without any other word, he nodded at the guards to come inside. They closed the door upon her and that was that. She was to never set feet in this house again.

I was surprised. I half expected Thor to kill her or at least slap her. It made me confused, He was supposed to be a wild northerner not a man showing rectitude. First he had made a fool of me in the afternoon and now easily her?  
  
The Little one who was chewing on his finger began tapping on my chest, fully awake now. I looked down at his tiny body that rested completely upon one of my arms. "Hello," I said and he smiled, tapping my chest with more force. 

Thor joined us not a minute after. He was holding the baby's small cradle. He placed it on the other side of the room, the furthest from the bed. _He wanted his child here but he also wanted his pleasure_ huh!

I gently helped him to place the baby in it. One thing that was questioning was the lack of pillows. If the child vomited often, it was better for his head to be higher than his belly. I looked about the room...no small pillows. I saw the silk dress I had worn last night still resting near the fireplace, just as I had placed it. Thor watched with curiosity when i folded it and put it beneath the child's head.  
"It's better for the..." I pointed to my stomach and then my mouth with a small gesture of vomiting. "Vomiting,"

He smiled at me, before holding my hand and taking me to his bed. It was different that night, He kissed me with a certainty that had my knees shaking. His hands roamed all over me with aching slowness as he possessed me with the intensity of his pleasure. There was a heat boiling in my belly, not from the physical touch but from the way his gaze not once left my eyes. I saw the exact moment he found his release inside me. I caught myself panting and sated along with him once he was finished. I had not enjoyed it physically but I was _satisfied_ in some way I could not name. It was frightening, Was I getting used his violation or worse, did I still see his actions as violation?

  
  
~~~~~

 

The next morning started much the same. Thor was already gone but I was left with his child this time. The baby was playing with the stars that were hanging from the roof of his cradle. Upon seeing me he smiled. Was I supposed to attend to him? Was I Thor's lovely _wife_ now? I had helped the baby a few times but I was not his mother. I bathed myself in the water, dried my hair and body. Just when I was about to knock on my door to announce I was ready, I realized why no-one had attended to him. He was a sick baby, If anything happened to him once one of the maids was taking care of him, they would be damned.

I was torn between taking him with me or leaving him here when something occurred to me.

I had his pudgy body in my arms when Val opened the door at us. "He needs medicine," I said. "I must see the forest to find them," I said. I pointed to my body, then to hers and then the direction of village and mountain.

"Nei!" she said angrily, her voice rising."Jeg--"

I placed on palm on her mouth. I made the "Hush" sign with my index finger on my own mouth. "please, for him" I pointed to Balder.  
She nodded after a moment.

I was saving myself.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys Loki is learning Norwegian now!! The Italic parts are translations and they still consist of some foreign words. The more he learns, the more I will write their sentences in English. Hope you enjoy this chapter:)  
> ~p.s. Ǫgvaldsnes was the capital of Norway in that time.

 

It was almost a month since my arrival in the north. I had lain with Thor every night, many of which with a baby less than twenty feet away. Except for that first night, I not once had his company in the morning. I fed his child Balder all the time, and even started bathing him in my own Barrel. We were growing a bond the two of us. He was beginning to feel more healthy. He still couldn't drink any milk. And after we tried feeding him broth, he showed the same reaction as he did to dairy. After a while I realized I could not give him anything that came from animals with darker meat.

He was a cute boy, No doubt if he made it to his youth he'd steal the heart of many. And he was helping me to get to know some parts of the woodland. Each morning, before attending to my business of weaving, I searched the woods near the village to find medical herbs. I knew what I wanted but each day I walked a little further from the village. Val was always on my side, not giving me one spare minute. I understood her concerns; I now was not solely Thor's favorite, I was also the only volunteer taking care of his heir. On the rarer occasions that I took Balder to this short adventures, two other guards would join as well.

Under the protection of Val and Hogun, I was starting to learn their language. They had taught me basic words and verbs but for knowing harder concepts and words I knew only one person here could help me.

I had neither seen nor heard of Fandral during my stay. And walking around the village made me reconsider my earlier thoughts about calling Thor's City "Village". The fields behind the city extended until it reached the horizon on the land; a great companion to the grey shore that followed on the opposite side.

I loved the shore, especially in the early morning. It was cold but the chill wasn't unpleasant. Quite the opposite, The chill made the tip of my toes so numb I could step into the water without feeling anything. I could convince myself I was walking on the fog. Like I was weightless, like none of these events mattered.

I could never drift too far from reality though. There was always an 'uh-hum' from Val that called me back to where I was: somewhere in the middle of nowhere of my knowledge.

She had brought Balder alongside with herself that day. I gently held him to my chest as he tugged at my loose hair. "Hello little one," I smiled.

"I dag går vi ikke trening" _Today we are not training_ Val informed me.

"Why?" I asked her. She had learnt some words from me as well.

"Vi har gjest fra Ǫgvaldsnes, _"_ we had a _gjest_? from Ǫgvaldsnes. It was the capital.

"hva er gjest?" _what is gjest?_

she grabbed a long piece of wood from the ground to draw on the sand. she drew a home, ill illustrated but still detectable. "hus," _house_. I nodded. Then came the simplest human figure with a line as torso, four limbs and a circle as head inside the house. "Eieren," she explained. "som Jarl thor" _like jarl Thor._ And she drew another person outside but with a flash that suggested they are coming inside. "gjest...han bor ikke her. han kommer til hilse,"

_he doesn't live here, he comes til? greeting._

a guest.

we had a guest.

I did not get to ask her who he was. The moment I opened my mouth, I was startled by a force of something shooting near my ear. It passed through my hair, smoothly unwrapping a tide before it hit a stone behind me and fell.

Before Val and I had a minute to act, another arrow was shut, this time going straight into the hollow of Hogun's throat. For a minute his wide eyes couldn't comprehend the nature of what just happened. Then his hands instinctively ran to the arrow, feeling the shape and depth of it. He coughed, suddenly more and more blood shooting out of his mouth. Val ran to him but another arrow broke the skin of her right shoulder blade. I tried following its direction to discover the source. It came from the ocean, behind the fog. Whoever they were, they had chosen a wonderful time and place.

"Løpe, Loki!" Val yelled at me. She was pressing a ripped piece of her skirt onto Hogun's neck but a damp red spot was already on her back.

"your back..." I mumbled.

"Løpe!" _run_

and I did.

I pressed Balder to my chest. My hands were shaking as I ran to the bushes, distancing myself from the sea. Balder was clutching to my chest but he was silent. Smart boy, he knew how to save his life.

I did not know the path I was taking, the entire scenery that laid before my eyes was the same. I was panting, but no air left my body. My lungs and sides were burning, my feet were bare and sore. I was inside the forest when I stopped. I laid back against a dead tree. It was wide enough to hide me entirely, but not soft enough to press back against it for a long time.

Few minutes passed and when the shatterable peace did not seem to break as often, my legs gained the courage to step forward. I was not less than three steps away when the next arrow rushed to me. It's sharp edge broke the skin of my thigh just enough to leave a superfacial scar.

I did not hesitate this time.

I ran for my life. I ran in-between the blocking trees and fallen trunks on the ground. I almost dropped Balder twice. He was now crying in earnest. I pressed his tiny face to my chest in order to muffle his scared sobs and it made me feel guilty. I did not know what his disease was. What if all this jumping and running made him sick all over again?

I was not thinking of a destination. I ran until the muscles in my thighs were screaming at me to stop. The fog had crept into the woods, surrounding me along with the their older friend, fear. I kept walking on cracked floor, crooked little rocks and fallen pieces of sharp wood. I could hear their footsteps following me closely. But not once I was bold enough to return, to see their faces.

My shirt was damp with sweat and the humidity of hair, clinging rather ridiculously to my body. The breeze did not help with it. Soon I was growing warmer and more exhausted. I even sneezed a few times.

I was getting cold.

My path or rather the lack of it eventually headed towards the mountains. The woods were soon turning into meadows with short but full bushes. From the far I saw an abandoned stable. It was a stupid decision but I was not thinking. I doubt with all the effort in my muscles there was any blood left in my head. I ran to it. It was not only abandoned, but also wrecked. I took a glimpse behind me. There wasn't any one but I could hear them.

Only the moment I was inside the demolished place, I faced the depth of my idiocy. The other side was not as equally damaged as this one. The door was still there and it was _locked_. The curb chains that connected the two parts of the door, although rusty, were still firm and I made no progress in undoing the bits.

I swallowed. All the energy had left my body. Even when the Norse men had caught me in the stable I was not this scared. But now I knew the meaning of 'death right in the corner'.

I closed my eyes to await the rushing force of an arrow in my body but it never came.

"Hei!"

It was my head. I was hallucinating. My feets however, seemed to have grown their brain and a pair of ears for they made me spin. Less than twenty yards behind me, Thor was standing. In front of him, laid two corpses with a pod of fresh blood forming beneath their lifeless bodies. It took me a minute to acknowledge not all the moisture on me was sweat.

It had been raining.

I was stagnant. It seemed, my feet with their own brain not a mere minute ago were now paralyzed. Thor walked to me and In that moment, I was too scared to comprehend that he, in fact, was the reason I was in this unknown land. So when his tentative arms came about me to help me, I accepted it. I jumped in his embrace before all around me surrendered to darkness.

~~~~~

I woke up to the smell of broth. There was a tingling feeling in my calves. There was a dull burn in my back but I was content. The fresh scent of rain on the grass was soon travelling up my nose to my brain. It was the sound of Balder babbling to himself that woke me.

"Don't give him anything," I yawned.

"Good! you are wake,"

I remembered that voice. I jolted, Awed by the sight before me. It was _Fandral_ , the man who was supposed to buy me before Thor had come out of nowhere.

But where was Thor? He was the one to save me from those archers....Or was he? Where was Val? What had happened to her? as sad as it was, she was my only friend.

"Where is Thor?"

"You said his name when you sleep," He said. Balder clapped from where he was sitting on the floor. I smiled at him but ignored Fandral. "You think he save you in stable because fear," He explained. It was very comforting to understand someone fully after a long time. "It were me."

Balder was approaching the fireplace on his hands and feet. "Kom hit, Balder," I ordered him. He 'boo'ed for a second but started crawling to me.

Fandral's house was small, just the size of Thor's bedroom. The bed and the table was inside the same room and it was the only room. I sat on the edge of bed when Balder pulled at the bedding. I helped him up until he was sitting on my lap. He clapped a few more times before moving from my lap to sit on the bed.

Fandral was pouring some broth into bowl. "Is that pork?"

"yes,"

"Balder can't eat that," I said. "Do you have anything else?"

Fandral was taken back for a minute. "Cheese?"

I shook my head. "Not that,"

"Oranges?"

"Thank you; it would be wonderful."

I ate my broth in silence. Balder spent some time playing with the pieces of fruit but his hunger won in the end. He latched his tiny teeth to it and drank the juices.

"Someone wanted to kill me,"

"You are English slave lay with Jarl. It not be last," He shrugged. He had a point. People did nor like me here. Asking him how he knew of my relations to Thor was also a stupid question. There was one Jarl here and the people in the village talked.

"I must run away," I told Fandral. "Help me run. If you wish to read, come to Wessex with me. I shall teach you there,"

"The army leave autumn. No ship until then," he said. "And our village not go,"

"But you were sailing in this very summer, to Wessex. Thor said it," I insisted.

"They abrogate it. They go year after, to places but not Wessex. Jarl say no Wessex," Fandral said. "Warriors say he ask the king and the king talk to Danish and they accept not sail Wessex,"

The spoon froze before reaching my mouth-to my wonder, Fandral knew more of England than just the language, including keeping a spoon and fork. Leave Fandral and his obsession with my country aside, Thor had actually _listened to me_. He was not going to my homeland. Perhaps I could convince him to talk the king in order to stop the raids from going to England completely. But Thor had this conversation with the _king_ of Norway, who talked to Danish. It was making my head spin. A whisper falling from my mouth was the keeper of soldiers of Denmark.

"So there is no way?" I asked him.

He shook his head. "Thor go north this autumn, maybe. The kingdom is young. There are rebellions. King need strength." he said.

That meant I had to stay. Besides, escaping now was a rational choice. Thor's opinion was valuable to King Herald. If I was to disappear suddenly perhaps the army would change direction. I was able to convince him of this. What else was I capable of? If not the raids entirely, perhaps the violence in them. And Balder needed me. He was vulnerable.

"You should go Thor's home. He worry for you two,"

"I must see you again," I said. "You should teach me everything about here. So I could leave peacefully when the right time comes."

We were quiet again until he asked me a random thing. "You have name? Thor give you one?"

"Loki," I said. Fandral smiled to himself. "What?"

"You look her, like two half of apple,"

"Her?"

"Balder mother. Her name was Lokelani,"

"Thor's wife?"

"She were not his wife,"

It made the food in my mouth taste bitter but I said nothing. It made sense. Why was Thor so easily attracted to me, how he treated me differently from other slaves. I was invited in a feast on my second night in his house, offered the seat next to him. It explained why Balder's nanny and Thor's mother were both surprised by me in our first meeting.

I regarded Balder, he did look like he was my son. His blonde hair was darkening more and more by day and to complete this false heritage, his eyes and cheekbones looked similar to mine. "What happened to her?"

"She die birth him," He said. "She was very weak woman in last days."

Bader, who was finished with her fruit was now pulling at my shirt. It wasn't my shirt I noticed. Fandral must have changed it. I held him to my chest and he immediately began playing with my face. It was his new favorite obsesdion: faces. Though it was normal. Ot was a part of his development to be fascinated with faces and looks. He was leaning how everyone was different.

I pitied him. I, too, grew up without a mother. She died when I was five. My brother said it was a fever. I was not even allowed in her room. But he did not have anything from her, not even some of the hazy ones I had from my childhood.

Not much was said between us after that. But I was keen on meeting Fandral again. Today he saved my life. More importantly he saved Balder. Thor would definitely favor him from now on. But I could not talk about him often for that would plant jealousy in Thor's heart. He was a possessive man and I wished not to anger him.

~~~~~

 

Once we were back, Thor did not leave us for a second.

"Du vil ikke forlate dette huset uten meg igjen!" _you won't leave this house uten me igjen._ He demanded _._ "Der du går, går jeg,"

_Der you go, I go_

_where_ you go, I go.

I wanted to describe him Fandral's bravery but judging from Thor's fury and worry, I decided another time.

"Jeg beklager," I said. _I'm sorry_ ,

Thor stopped pacing about the room. He sat next to me, held my face in his head as he stared deep into my eyes. _He is looking at a substitute for his love_. It should not have made me feel as punched as it did. Whatever had happened between us, however barbaric, at least I felt-- I do not know what I felt. Loved? Desired? I was his slave.

When he leaned in to kiss me, I pushed him away. I rose from the bed, took the knife from the table and pointed it at him. "Don't touch me!" I yelled at him. He stood up to pose right before me. I was panting. For the first time I had the superior power. I had the weapon. He looked tamed.

I placed the tip of my knife on his hard chest. "Where were you?" I cried. "You can't steal me away, violate me every night and then leave me to die? I am a human!" I cried out to his face. I pressed the knife harder to his chest until I felt it pierce his clothes. He did not prevent me.

All he did was standing solid before me. My hands were not so sure anymore. I expected him to grab it from me, throw it away or to push me on the ground. I was breathing faster, My shirt was suddenly too tight for inhaling. I pressed the knife harder until a little scarlet circle formed around my knife. I was frightened. He was not even defending himself.

One of his hands wrapped around my other wrist as he also guided that one to the handle of that knife. I gazed into his eyes. They were sewed to mine and so intense I dropped the weapon.

What came over me next was not human. It was this animalistic hunger to transform all my fury and misery onto someone else. Who could be suited more, who more than Thor who had killed who I was by the life he'd given me?

I kissed him with a hatred, not letting a second pass from the minute our lips touched to untie his shirt. He was not amazed by this for a split second. In fact he looked like he anticipated it. It made me even more exasperated. Who was he to foresee my actions?

I scratched the exposed fresh scar on his chest with my nails. All he did was to groan in pleasure. "jeg dreper deg," _I kill you._ I muttered to him when his hands were kneading my body, and in that moment, I would have, had i given the opportunity.

"Kill," He said. Then just as I had braced myself for it, he threw me on his bed. But as he lay his weight on my body, I flipped him onto his back. This was my vengeance.

What happened that night between us was as wild as it could be. I moved on him with such a threatening determination he did not dare to steal the control. And I made my way into his soul. His eyes, no matter how dark, were filled with fear. _you could have died, just like her,_ They were saying _._ Anything that I had been through, all the judgments, the looks I was given, the life that was forced upon me, the violations, the pain, I wanted him to feel it. And even though he was touching my body with aching slowness, even though he did not spat my hand away when I almost choked him, I knew he felt it. He felt a tiny piece of what he brought to me.

And in the end, when I was finally on my back and he was reaching his edge like a beast above me, I allowed myself to let go. I wrapped my legs around his waist and let my head roll back. I was not going to escape this life anytime soon.

~~~~~

Thor did not let Balder and I visit his honorable guest from Ǫgvaldsnes. Instead, my tomorrow was spent near Val's bed. She had lived but Hogun had not. She was in a petulant mood, complaining about the smallest details, even once on the shape of her buttons. " _They are stupid"_ she had said.

But I could see the roots of her moroseness was planted elsewhere. She was a well-known warrior and now not only she had lost a friend, her position was unstable. Thor's heir could have been murdered.

I left her company for the lunch time. In the afternoon, Hogun's funeral was held in a shore near his cottage. It was a very small ceremony.Thor ordered two of his men to bury him. Once his lifeless body was resting in his open grave, The smith of village came forward with some blades and swords. They were all bent and broken. They must have belonged to Hogun. Breaking them was a waste of Iron but it meant he was gone for good.

Thor and I stayed until his grave was filled with wet soil and everyone was gone.

"I kveld spiser du to alene," _tonight you two eat alene  
_

"Alene?"

"Du og Balder. Ikke meg,"

_alone_

I glanced back to the bay. There were still those unamilair ships from the guests. Why did he not want them to see Balder and I? And if it mattered this greatly, was the men who attacked us connected to these guests?

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said it before but again:  
> Since Loki is learning Norwegian and it's a POV first person story, The English dialogues in Italic are just the translations in his mind. there are still some Norwegian words in there but it's all because he is learning:)

 

Balder said his first word before the end of summer. It was a fresh crisp morning in the middle of September. I was finished weaving my first carpet when he simply said a sheepish yet playful "Vann!". It meant water.

Thor was ecstatic. The child he presumed sick, weak and unworthy was now not only blooming physically but talking his first words. He couldn't stop kissing him ever since finding out. During the dinner that night, he announced he'll do a sacrifice to Goddess Eir to thank her for the regained health of his child. He also kissed the back of my hand in a gesture of gratitude which I had no choice but to accept.

He was in an exceptionally fine spirit that night so I thought it was an appropriate time to ask him a favor. I had Balder sleeping earlier that night and sent i  his old room with Val. Her arm was still healing but I trusted her to take care of him.

That night, there were chances Thor may not like what I was going to ask. He was a complicated man when it came to his politics but in the matters of love,he was as straightforward as a child. He did not like sharing, nor enjoyed divided attention. If I asked him to let another man, especially one considered legitimately handsome like Fandral to spend time with me, He would be suspicious. But what could I do?

I had to spend a year in this land and spending it with no or ill communication would make me go insane. Not many were fond of me and those who previously had not anything against me were beginning to dislike me.I had heard women talking in the mornings. Not one ship was sailing this summer, not even in the autumn. They knew I was English and well, people talked. I had bewitched Thor in their minds. I had made the soul of Odin leave Thor's will to fight, to replace it with my 'Christian filth'. Their words.

Truth to be told, I could not blame them for such thoughts. Thor, who was enthusiastic about invading Wessex few weeks ago was now travelling north to negotiate with Jarls who still hadn't pledged loyalty to king Herald. Most women said their husbands were upset by the Jarl's decision not to invade the 'goods'. It was offensive, how they viewed other humans as subjects. It was their culture. In everyday life I could see the way other slaves were treated. And compared to them, I was living a dream. _Just because I look like a woman who died._ The voice in my head kept repeating.

I was not about to allow it to steal my chances of escaping away.

I bathed one extra time that night. I made sure I was as clean as possible with the new soaps Val had prepared. I dressed in one of Thor's loose cotton shirts that he so desired seeing me in it. I combed my hair with patience, letting lose a few stripes of rebellious dark curls to fall about my shoulders, creating a playful contrast to my pale skin and white material of the shirt.

When Thor entered the chamber, I could tell he was already taken back by the sight of me already awaiting him. I had poured him some ale when he entered. He gladly took it from me as he drank in my sight. "hvor er Balder?" _Where is Balder_

"I kveld er vi alene," _We are alone tonight,_ I told him. The corner of his mouth curled up as he eyed me. With the way I was leaning into him I was the incarnation of pliant and giving. He placed the ale on the table as he stared at me, challenging me. _Play this game of yours, come forth_ his eyes were whispering.

And so I did.

I kissed him as sensually as I could, rubbing against him like I had no control over my body. Thor did not engage fully yet. He was curious to see where I was heading with this new game. I kissed down his neck as I undid his leggings. I smirked, he may not be participating but he just couldn't stay unaffected. I wrapped my hand around his already erect manhood and moaned in appreciation in his ear. "du følger mitt ord," _you listen to me_ , I whispered in his ear. I wanted to say he 'listened' but I had not learnt past tenses yet.

He gasped for I gripped his manhood harder than before, my hold tight and sure now. I was beginning to like this. The act of me pleasuring him, _me_ empowering him, _me_ controlling how much pleasure he received. I realized I was gasping along with him but did I stop? no.

Thor was losing his patience with my slow moves. He had always had what he wanted. He would fight for it until it rested in his grasp. He reached for the back of my thighs to pull me closer but I stopped him.

 _"That day a man help me and Balder,"_ I explained to him. I did need to learn how to use different times, also what was 'saving life?' I had to learn more words. " _He_ _speaks my tongue. I want to learn your tongue. He can teach me_ ,". I was truly horrible at this. I got mentally frustrated when Fandral spoke his ill English and judging from the frown upon Thor's face I had made some mistakes. I did not even know whether I was using the correct vocabulary but I desperately just needed Thor to understand what was my message. "For deg. For Balder"

He sighed. For a minute I was afraid he'll leave me alone. My confidence crashed down completely. How could I be so stupid? Asking him for a favor in the middle of his pleasure again? I had done it once before, he was sure going to doubt me. He would think I was manipulating him. Well, wasn't I?

"spør du for mye fra meg, Loki"

"What do you mean?" I asked in English. I did not understand that sentence. He was too quiet and tired. He was surely tired of me asking for more. I recalled other slaves who came here with me. How they were forced to endure labors that not even animals did or how they were raped in brothels multiple times a day. What if Thor was infuriated with--

"Thor," I called him. He did not lift his eyes from the ground. I grabbed his face in both of my hands and made him stare into my eyes. He did, reluctantly, but he did not avert his eyes. I kissed him properly this time. I wind my arms around his neck as he took me to his bed. I did not say one more word except his name as he loved me.

But once I was laid boneless on his sweaty chest, he answered me. "jeg gir deg Fandral,"  
_I give you Fandral,_

~~~~~

Fandral was waiting in the hall the next afternoon. Thor had set many strict rules about our time together. We were never to be alone, nor in public together. We could only meet inside the house with at least two guards attending us. I was in the weaving house in the mornings so I could not see him then.

During lunch, Fandral joined me, as well as two guards and Val.

"Hello," He said. "Jarl say I teach his guard English too. He worry you and I have tryst. We run together."

The way he talked made me smile. It made me remember my own weird attempts at making a conversation with Thor. "It is quite alright," I said. "Tell me about this sacrifice to Eir Fandral."

"We pretend I teach you." He reasoned, eying the guards carefully. "to teach is lære in our tongue," He said. I was silent until he swallowed. "Please repeat,"

"Lære,"

"It is two weeks with horse from Tyr-Strand. It is in Ubsola. Strond like Tyr-strand. It means Beach. It is our village,"

"Strand," I repeated. "I am in Tyr-strand." I finally knew where I was. "In Norway."

He nodded. "Now speak in my tongue,"  
  
And he began teaching me. It was a satisfying feeling. I no longer had to depend on illustrations to learn new words. He could easily tell me what each word means. So far there was not a word he did not know. It made me wonder, how did he learn them? But Fandral did not answer me when I asked him. Thor had definitely threatened him.  
  
That oaf.

I did not occupy Fandral's mind with more question. I would let his impossible fright subside until I asked him what I really desired to learn; Which were where and when to find a boat that sails west. In the final of our meeting he told me he will probably join us to our journey to Ubsola.

That night, Thor did not bed me for the first night since my arrival. It was hazardous to me. My fragile position was heavily dependant on Thor's genuine like for me. My actions that day, or rather my attempt to manipulate him was unwise. Thor must have thought I consider him a tool to get what I want. Well he was wrong. What I wanted was to go home; something he'll never give me.

From where I stood, near the window to be under the moonlight, I saw Thor walking inside a brothel. The laughters of women followed loudly once he was inside _. his little boy has finally lost_ But was it called losing? could it be called such? I was closing my eyes with a body that waa not violated for the first time in weeks.

What was it I wanted?

I pressed Balder tightly to my chest. I whispered him a lullaby long after he was asleep, until my own eyes were heavy.

~~~~~

Our journey to Ubsola began two days later. We packed lightly, only taking the necessities. Our pack consisted of thirty people. Thor's mother was not accompanying us. She would stay to rule over the village in Thor's absence. She stood in the door way, waving at us as we rode east.  
  
"We stay three night," Fandral told me. He was riding beside me and Val. "We return quick. Jarl has army to prepare,"

The blood in my veins ran cold. I was glad that Val was carrying Balder because had he been in my arms, I'd drop him. _An army_? was he not supposed to go north to negotiate with other Jarls? why was he suddenly in need for an army for such cause?

"Army? What for?"

"Some Jarls threaten to destroy king. It is for them." He said.

I nodded at him in a gesture of understanding but deep within me the seed of pessimism was being planted. Thor had not come to me in three nights. He only asked of Balder in my presence and not once looked me in the eye. I was filled with fear. What awaited behind the doors of his house was only misery of true slavery.

I regarded Thor, his back to us as he rode on the front. He was having a serious conversation with one of his closest brother warriors. I was so tempted to "accidentally" fall from my horse to see if he would keep his perfect ignorance wall still building up. That was a pathetic move but I couldn't help the fury rising within me. Who was he to ignore me like this? If he did not want me anymore why still allow me to sleep in his room while he made his nights into days in brothels?

I had heard woman in the weaving house laughing behind my back. There were these talks of a woman, _Sif_. She had just started working in the brothel. Thor had repeatedly visited her bed that three nights he was not in mine. I was glad, truly. I had slept well rested and calm without his interruptions. Besides, he needed me. No-one may care for Balder better than I did. He could kick me out of his room, but of his house? I doubted so.

 _she is as beautiful and fierce as Goddess Freyja,_ one of the elderly ladies was telling the others yesterday morning. Ah! what a match! Thor and Freyja! I was in fact happy.

~~~~~

  
On our way we passed many villages and stop by stop, I learnt more of Norse life and language. They were not the wildlings my people had described. Obviously there were differences, many of those in fact.I could see the liberty that Norse women had, the freedom that the church would never allow them.

I learnt their language more and more everyday. I understood some of their inside jokes and even laughed at them. I learnt more about Val. She was actually born in a Swedish village and had met Thor on a quest to Denmark.

Fandral had been enslaved in England for three years. It had been hid first raid and him, quite young, was lost in a church that was raided. He was taken by a clergyman who had also taught him some Roman. He didn't talk much about his life there. He said he's interested in learning my language because of a letter he was given. I asked him if I could read it to him but he shook his head. "I promise to see only me,"

So we began torturing one another. Val was nimble and clever with daggers so I asked her to show me some tricks. I taught Fandral how to read and write with left overs of animal skin as papers and mud as ink. I also commenced a plan to fix his grammar. Things had been going rather well in the days. But nights were a different story

I was to sleep in Thor's tent at nights. He usually arrived after I had fallen asleep and left before the twilight. He always slept with his back turned to his son and I. I knew it was probably my fault but my pride was always victor when it came to apologizing. I did not look at him if we ever came eye to eye. I made sure I was cold as ice with him but before him, kind and nice to everyone else. It was childish but I could not help myself.

We were three nights away from Ubsola when Balder began to show early signs of his disease. Thor was the one carrying him that day. In the evening, I heard him screaming my name as he ran to me. He was panting violently, his face was flushed with fear and his eyes were full of tears he was fighting to keep inside.

_"What you give him?"_

_"Just the apples you gave me,"_ He mumbled.

I gently took Balder in my arms and caressed his face. What caught my attention was a long stripe of hair hanging from his nose. I took a hold of its thin end and brought it close to my face to observe it. What I noticed next was what angered me. As the poor baby cried, I spotted some hair was sticking to his tongue." _You let him rub his face to horse's neck? eat his mane?_ " I questioned Thor furiously. _"you idiot!"_

" _Loki, I didn't know! Please help him!"_

I wanted to ask for some lemons but I had not many left, and I had to save them for Balder until the end of this journey. The last village was two days away and the next one was close to our destination. " _I go to jungle. I get him herbs,"_

Val nodded at me as she sheathed her sword but Thor stopped her. " _I go with him. You stay here and make the telt(?) until we are back,"_

I angrily grabbed an empty sac and a metal bowl. I walked to the woodland on the side of our road. Thor followed me suit but he did not dare say anything.

Balder was soon getting hysterical. He was turning red again and the strange puff was announcing its presence around his eyes and lips. I kissed his forehead and whispered the lullaby he most loved to him.

" _What are you saying to him?,_ " Thor said.

 _"Nothing worse than what you feed him," I_ barked at him.

He sighed but the rest of our walk was spent in silence.

we walked for twenty minutes until we reached a river. I crept carefully alongside the ledges of its shore to find a useful herb. Thor was looking puzzled and he did the bare minimum to help me. I poured some water onto the bowl and handed it to him. " _Make fire. Boil this,"_

I eventually found some Stinging Nettle and thought this will do. Ah! Thor's stupidity almost got his child dead! He was aware Balder could not eat most animals meat. Was it truly that difficult to discover he might not be able to eat their _hair_? Thor really did have two braincells in his head: fuck and fight.

I covered my hands with some cloth as I cut the stinging nettle to avoid any unnecessary infections that came with this plant. The rest was same, put the herb in boiling water and feed Balder some lemon to make him slightly more numb. His body was getting warmer so I thought to myself why not make most of the cold river while we waited for the herb to get ready?

I started undressing the sobbing baby. I washed his face and tiny hands and he purred in comfort under my touch. Thor watched me all the while. It was the first time in ten days and I could see the longing in his eyes. The longing of a thirsty man seeing water after days. I did not break our eye contact until he did.

The Nettle helped Balder. He quietly fell asleep in my arms. I could not leave him nude and his clothes were moistened with sweat. I undressed of my shirt and wrapped it around Balder as a blanket. I did not wish to disturb his sleep so I left him near his father.

I ignored Thor, who was most certainly looking at me, just as I had for days. I lost my leggings and entered the cold water completely naked. It was an excellent feeling. I had not bathed in days and I could feel the dirt leaving my body. I walked farther into the river until I was chest deep. I pinched my nose, closed my eyes and drifted lower until my face was buried underneath the water. I stayed for sometime until I was pulled up aggressively.

"What are you doing?" I coughed, holding onto Thor's chest to keep my balance.

_"you were drowning,"_

_"do you care?"_ I did not mean to ask that and it startled the both of us. A drop of water from my eyelid fell on my cheek. I should not have felt that but It had gone so quiet that I did. Thor was not answering me.  
I tried to remove my hands from his chest but he grabbed both my wrists.

_"let me go,"_

_"Look upon me,"_

_"what for?"_ I yelled at him. I wanted nothing more than to shove him away but when he kissed me, I kissed back.

I should have said no.

I should have shoved him.

I all but jumped on him. His wide palms hooked themselves under my thigh and I was lifted. I hooked my arms around his neck and kissed him harder. cold air was hitting my soaked body but I was not cold at all. What was happening to me? Was it the presumed jealousy that was pushing me to this madness?

I shoved that annoying thought away. I was concentrating on this moment. I could not have it again. Oh dear Lord, would I be upset if so? I shoved my hands into his hair as I climbed up him. He hummed happily into my mouth As he walked us to the shore. When we hit the riverside, He threw me on his pile of clothes as he latched his mouth to my neck.

"Thor,"

 _Was I moaning_? He approved of my scary hypothesis when he nudged my legs apart enough to settle in-between them. My body was no longer my property, I instantly hooked my legs around him to pull him closer. His warm body above me, locking me away from the rest of the world, from the world that taught me this wrong, was all I needed. And the realization of this immoral desire had warmth travelling across my body. I arched my back to him, silently inviting him to discover. " _What do you want this gangen(?)_ "

 _this_ _gangen? this time?_

 _"Only you_ ," I whispered to him.

Thor seemed to get drunk on those words. He sucked on two of his fingers and guided them to my backside. I angled my hips for better access. Thor moaned, just as me. He was excited and shocked by the display of this sudden consent. He kissed the inside of my thighs as he worked his fingers inside me one by one. It did not hurt at all, quite the opposite. I was whimpering for him for more.

When Thor's dripping wet body covered mine again I couldn't keep my hands to my own body. I sat up to kiss the middle of his chest and neck, My hands finding his hard manhood. It was warm and throbbing on my shaking palms. he gasped as I fondled him. I did so for a few seconds, my hands bringing him close to edge. It made me feel so desired. I was making the great Thor moan like a weak child under my touch.

Thor spun us around. He sat himself on the ground as I sat astride his lap. I rolled my hips a few times. His abdominal muscles were a pleasurable touch on my own manhood as his erection poked at my behind. gasped loudly as the head entered me accidentally. I was wrapped all around him, my movements suddenly all frozen.

Then it was Thor's turn to move. He did it ever so slowly. I laid back just enough to see his frowning face hitting my chest with each thrust. I fisted my hands in his hair to avoid falling in the water. But as his movements grew faster and harder It was the only anchor to my sanity. I was whining with each of his thrusts now. He was touching places within me I did not knew existed. I was going to release. The threatening feeling was boiling inside me, I was going to release on the body of my captive.

Thor grasped my hips with all his energy, bouncing me more and more on his manhood. I had to stop him. I was going mad. I closed my eyes hard, bit my lips to bleeding in ordrer to lock my scream as I reached the height of my pleasure. I heard my muffled moan like it was someone else. I had never been felt that blessed in my life. It did not take long for Thor to release his seed within me.

I lay boneless across his body as he ran his hands on my back. I closed my eyes and listened to the world around me. I listened to his heartbeat. What had I done? It was of no matter now that it was done. I was content in a long time. The small waves of river tickling feet and the wind murmuring tingles to my back.

_"you called me idiot. Fandral is teaching you insults?"_

_"I must know every word, even insult,"_

He chuckled and slapped my behind playfully. my face became flushed red but I did not say anything.  
  
_"do not dra(?)my hair, Loki,"_

" _I'm not touching your hair"_

Then our eyes snapped open as a familiar babbling echoed in the quiet. I lifted my head from Thor's chest only to be eye to eye with Balder. I cried out, pulling the clothes from beneath Thor to cover myself with it.

Thor laughed but made no attempt to cover his own body.

"Vann!" Balder pointrd to the water and the three of us laughed.

~~~~~

Thor and I were acting like two blushing children who had found affection for the first time. We could not stop grinning at each other from time to time and almost everyone had noticed. Val was only smirking but Fandral looked worried. I did not ask him anything except for the unknown words I had heard during the day.

Thor was on watch half of that night and the rest he was too tired to do anything. He did sleep in my arms though. I did not know what this new found attraction was, nor was interested in finding out. At least for now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: sacrificing animals. if it makes you uncomfortable just skip it:) It starts from the "The sacrifice to the goddess..."  
> 

  
The Ubsola was far greater than Fandral or anyone could ever describe it to me. It had a unique architecture that resembled all the villages we passed on our way. All the North gathered in one place.

It was built in-between the hills, a golden chain surrounding it. It was impossible not to notice from afar. The building was huge; the columns holding its marvelous body, an antagonist to the threatening winds.

Thor noticed me gaping. He chuckled at my disbelief and when I eyed him angrily he just grinned wider. _"You have temples this wonderful in your England_?"

" _We have churches. But none are like this,_ "I honestly replied.

As we rode closer to the temple, I began to notice imperfections. There were graves, in fact so many of them. And not all of them were human sized, some were quite huge and some were much tinier. It made me feel uneasy. The pleasantries of my expectations were losing to the darkness of my suspicions. Could those graves be for children? Could the larger ones be a result of _multiple_ sacrifices?

My fears grew worse as I noticed the thick bloodied threads hanging from stronger tree branches. The blood on them was not fresh. It had turnt almost black but without doubt, bodies had been hung from there. Human or not, this fashion of religion was utter violence.

"Fandral, what are these tight threads for?" I asked him.

"They are for spring sacrifices," He explained. "Not worry. Most of them are for animal,"

"Most?"

"Some Jarls scarifice christians. But Jarl Thor never kill human. Only animal,"

It did not offer me any peace. The anxiety soon shadowed over me with a rush of 'what if's. What if I was in another side of the small village when the raids had happened? What if I had been on another boat? What If Fandral had not dragged me to in Thor's village? What if someone else had bought me? What if I did not look like Balder's mother? What then?

Would I be brought here to be sacrificed?

We were close to the temple when Thor climbed off his horse." _Set the tents and fire here while we visit the temple_ ," He ordered the maids and slaves. I reluctantly followed him, Val and many guards following a few steps behind us. Thor wrapped a comforting hand around my waist as he guided us to the temple. Sure, the temple was almost empty but what if another Jarl was here? Was it not the reason he hid me when we had guests a few weeks ago?

I wanted to ask him if it was a taboo to be seen or conaidered intimate with another man but then again, maybe I was not considered one. I was a slave in their eyes, not worthy enough to be considered one.

Thor, unaware of my doubts, still held me tightly. _"You are alright, Loki_?"

" _I am just_.." overwhelmed? I did not know that yet. " _it is all new,"_ I faked a smile. Thor noticed, but if anything, he was not insistent. Instead, he steadily guided me towards the main building. Upon this small walk, some eyes turned towards us and we even recieved some bows but no small talk. The heavy smell of iron kept getting stronger as we approached the temple, a fine reminder of where I was. A heathen temple. A land built on blood of the dead.

I was never religious, but I was afraid of death. And the church did accomplish the task of relating heathens to death marvelously. I swallowed, then started breathing with my mouth to avoid the scent of blood.

Inside the building lay three sculptures twice my height; One was Odin, I had seen his painting enough to recognize him. Lord of all Gods. In the middle, the greatest of all was Thor, god of Thunder. Thor's father had named him after this god. Most of the visitors were gathered around him as they prayed. Thor took Balder from Val's arms and knelt before Odin. The words he used for his prayers were too difficult to I asked Fandral to translate what he understood. Next to me, he whispered ear to ear what Thor was saying. Fandral did not present a fine translation but in the months to come, I learnt all the words in it. It was this.

"Thank you lord Odin for letting my son survive last winter and me the last war. I beg you to offer a fine rest for Balder's mother for she suffered enough in this world. Tell her I shall protect her only son with all the strength in my muscles and the will in my bones. This I swear."

He then carried Balder's tiny sleeping form to pray to Thor, then came the other statue, a depiction of another deity. "Who is that?" I asked Fandral.

"Lord Freyr" He said. "He is god of virility. some say also war,"

"Why is he praying to the God of War?" I asked cautiously.

"Loki. He fight rebellious Jarls in North. That is why, I told you."

I nodded, waiting for Thor to finish his prayers. Once we exited the main temple, Thor took us to a memorial or perhaps a grave. There were eight stones at the bottom of it. They were all round and smooth and designed with little white flowers. Seven of those flowers were dead and old, yet one was recently planted. Fresh as the ones that were alive that very morning. Thor hesitated. He took a quick glance of our surroundings before his eyes focused on something afar.  
_"Val, Take Loki and Balder to our settlement. I join you at night_ ,"

" _What is it?"_

 _"Nothing to worry you_ ," He said. Though his words were regarding me, his eyes were fixed else place. " _Hurry_ ," he begged but when Fandral wanted to run with me he asked otherwise. "Y _ou stay Fandral_ ,"

Val grabbed my wrist and led us towards our village settlement--the village, it was not mine but I kept forgetting that.

" _Val what is happening_?"

" _It was stupid to come here_ ," Val muttered. I freed my wrist from her grasp with such a force that had Balder almost falling from my other arm.

" _I will not move. you tell me what is happening. I move then."_

" _You want that monster to see you?"_ Val yelled at me.

"Who?"

_"please,"_

And so we continued our path, this time in utter silence. Even Bader dis not say anything.

~~~~~

At night I waited for Thor's return. I had no other choice. Nobody was answering my questions. At least the ones who seemed to know anything avoided talking to me. For hours Val had laid against a tree, sharpening a piece of wood into a miniature dagger. The rest of slaves and maids were preparing dinner and attending to some of the animals we had brought from the village.

A soft rain had begun pouring outside and there were drops of water falling from the roof of the tent. Bader did not seem to mind though. He was having fun crawling on the furs and the tiny wooden table, babbling words only he understood. I smiled when he pulled at my sleeves to get my attention. I did have a friend after all. I settled behind him, hooked my left wrist gently under his tiny armpit and spread my palm across his chest. I urged him on to walk on two feet. "Let us get you to walk," I whispered. With my right hand I helped him take a small step. His body seemed soft but his bones were strong under my touch. He participated, in fact so wantonly I had to follow him around the room. After few minutes though, his face was falling into the trap of night. He was sleepy. He was yawning repeatedly and his eyes were too heavy to keep open for more than two seconds.

I laid him on the furs and when he finally slept I saw Thor standing at the door of the tent.

" _You are better with him than his mother was,_ "

 _"What happened today_?"

 _"There was an old friend. We are not very close now. Me and him,"_ He loosened his armor as he sat on the bedding.

_"Is he one of the rebels?"_

_"I do not know that,"_ He answered. The frown between his brows was persistent. His forehead was adorned with lines of concern and perhaps fury. I sat next to him and helped him out of his armor and wet outfits. His eyes were focused on the ground. He barely even noticed me staring at him. I desired to acknowledge more about this rebellious friend who had Thor sweating like a scared child.

" _Is he the one from Ǫgvaldsnes? who visited weeks before?"_ I questioned. Thor's uneasy hands that was clutching at air mere minutes ago stopped completely. For a second I feared I may have crossed a boundary. However, he neither lost his temper nor answered me.

 _"...I was teaching Balder how to walk,"_ I tried to change the subject. " _He will learn soon_ ,"

"Thank you,"Thor smiled at me, a genuine one but he was impossibly tired. He fell asleep with his head resting on my chest.

~~~~~

The sacrifice to the goddess Eir was quick and plain. There was a figurine of her made by stones that I noticed they call "Hörgr". Thor held down a horse, no older than a few weeks and shed his blood. His blade was neat and the poor creature did not suffer much. His blood flew on the ground as Thor hung him to a tree from his legs. I noticed everyone watching with concern and confidence as the ritual ended.

Thor also sacrificed a boar to the god Freyr. The animal was a recent hunt of his. It made me filled with wonder once I saw it first. The poor thing was not quite tame during this trip and more than once the animal had attached the goats and horses. But Thor was quick; He closed the creature's hands and legs. A new guard of his, Ivar was his name, brought forth a bowl of fresh blood. Thor dipped two fingers and began to draw some illustrations on the animal's body.

I wanted to ask someone what they meant but Val used difficult words and I could not find Fandral since yesterday afternoon. I was scared for him. Thor was not very much fond of him but he could not hurt him, could he? And I could not ask Thor he was for sometimes he could get too jealous.

The blade of Thor's sword came through the boar's throat. It hit the ground with a sharp sound, forcing me to close me eyes in disgust.

A pagen priest came to stand next to Thor. He prayed Lord Freyr for a fertile land, strong men and success in keeping Thor's country united. In the end he promised to take the sacrifices to the God. Thor thanked him but I could see he was not grateful.

I regarded him. His face had a sheer of fear in it. _I do not know_ , he'd said. He did not even know who he must fight once he leaves.

His complicated braid was red and black with blood and mud. He did not show any vulnerability and I doubt anyone but me noticed how one tear fell from his eyes to wash some of the dirt on his face. I did not want to pity him. And I wasn't. The surge of emotions within me were more complex than pity but of its true nature I had no idea.

Once were back to our settlement, I decided to talk to him, only to--to what? give him peace?help him calm down? What is it I wanted?

 _"Why do you do that_?"

 _"Do what_?" He began to undress, setting aside his clothes as he settled into the warm Barrel of water.

With my hands I made a gesture of killing and then hanging the boar from the trees. There were many words in that sentence I had not learnt.

" _A tradition_ ," He said. " _You drink ale in houses of your god. We do this,"_

 _"Why are we here now? That memorial... For who? "_ I asked. I know it was irritating him to ask so many questions but I just needed answers.

" _Balder has seen all four seasons once now,_ " He informed me. " _And his mother again under the ground the day before,"_

Lokelani. It was the woman who looked like me. It was sad. Perhaps now here Thor discovered that I am _not_ her. What if this visit urged him to make me a common slave? I was scared to live like those who had come with me. I did not want that. If I was to be here until the next summer, at least I had a warm house to shelter me. But he said himself, I was nicer to Balder than his own mother.

_"You loved her?"_

_"I made her a promise,"_ and we stopped talking until a maid brought Balder inside. She had washed him for the night and now he was here to sleep. Upon seeing his father and I, he grinned from ear to ear.

I took him from her and she excused herself. "Say Far, Balder," I whispered into his ear. It meant Father. He babbled non-existent words a few times before a broken 'Far' came out. Thor, as if I stabbed him turned to us. Balder seemed to enjoy his reaction for he repeated that word. Thor reached out for his son and once I handed him hidms son, he kissed his forehead. "Thank you Loki,"

And I could not not be happy.

~~~~~

We left the temple the next morning. Thor insisted to stay the final day near the 'old tree'. It was short ride and I saw Fandral already awaiting us there.

The tree were magnificent and incredibly tall. It reached the roots of the lower clouds. There was a strange peace about it. There were no sounds but the whisper of wind in the trees there. I climbed off the horse to stand near the tree and I felt so small. Was it a miracle of nature or truly a bridge for their gods?

 _"When I was child, My father used to say said this was Yggdrasil_ ," Thor wrapped his arm around me from my back. _"The column of the world,"_

From the corner of my eyes I saw Fandral suspiciously eying the land around us. whatever it was, They were hiding something from me. All of them.

Val, the trusty Val with the respect she had. Fandral, the man of many lands who had a mystery beyond seas and Thor, who was constantly hiding me from something. Was it a ghost? His friend? A murderer?

I did not know.

And it made me uneasy. The rest of that day Thor had the anxiousness with him and approaching him was surely not a wise decision.Yet the minute we left the temple, he gained his confidence. It was like the old place had left a magic spell on him. He was back to his serious yet caring Jarl. At nights, He would once again lay me down on the fancy furs to buck into me with an agonizing slowness that had the entire settlement familiar with my moans. They never mocked me, nor smirked at me again. Was this respect or the ultimate of pity I did not know. But it was comfortable.

Sometimes he even told Balder stories. It was of their gods and heroes. And I would listen all along. Fandral would translate some and the rest I guessed the meaning of each word. I was getting much better at understanding and utilizing each word. It made me quite proud.

~~~~~

Our arrival in the village came ten days after our departure from Uppsala. Thor's mother was waiting for us at the gates. She kissed his and Balder's forehead and to my surprise, I also received a graceful kiss on the cheek.

I did not want to admit, but the house felt...welcoming. It was not as scary as the world outside and as mysterious as the time before our journey. Thor had yet another feast that evening to celebrate the one year since he had his son.

The feast was huge, many warriors and shieldmaidens were all waiting to hear the last news from east and Thor's plan for the future. Frigga told me she had to slay more than twenty porks and few goats to make sure food was enough and even then, looking at all the plates and bowls, I doubted so if the feast continued such.

A pork was hung from the ceiling, much like sacrifices in the temple although this time it was cooked. Warriors threw their knives at it and some cut different parts of its flesh. The music was too loud to be enjoyable and Balder from his new tiny seat was getting frustrated. He was starting to throw things and make angry noises.

When Thor entered the hall, it did nothing to calm the guests. They all cheered and banged constantly on the tables and ground. Thor raised his glass of ale to silence them. _"My brothers and sisters_!" He shouted. Suddenly all the noise was gone except for the fire burning in fireplace. " _I am to tell you of another glorious battle Lord Odin has put in our way!"_

They all roared. I nervously locked eyes with Fandral from across the room but he closed his eyes in a matter of reassuring me that all is fine.

" _We all fought in Battle of Hafrsfjord not months ago. We are now forent(?), we are powerful as the rest of the North_! " He looked at Balder and I before continuing. " _My_ _son Balder is now my heir! I prayed for his health to Lord Freyr and he promisee me a bright future for him. A future with no wars amongst ourselves!"  
_

Everyone cheered and some drank to his words. Thor raised his glass to silence them once more. " _To make that happen, We must have the last battle with our own men. The King is sending us North to find those who want to weaken us. May Lord Odin do as he sees best! "_

They all agreed with their own type of encouragement; yelling, shouting, drinking and eating more. I was relieved. Now I knew Thor had been obedient; at least in this matter. But something occupied my mind. What if this battle would take years? what if Thor loses and The village is destroyed by the rebellious Jarls he talked about? Thor had talked the king into avoiding Wessex and I knew many were not glad about it. Maybe some just craved war and the violence it brought but the rest, they wanted the English gold.

I drank a glass of wine in quiet and let myself think over all the possibilities. Eventually I turned to Thor. " _When will you depart_?"

 _"Week after next. I am back for the winter_ ,"

Many warriors came to our table to discuss the possibilities, goods and the damages of the war. I was interested in the beginning but then my eyes landed on our guests. Many of them were eying me differently than the first time I had been sitting in those very chairs. I was no longer the skinny boy with messy hair and sad smile. I had a glow in my face and hair, and I looked leaner and fuller.

Their eyes were lingering on my body, on my face and to parts where the shirt was tucked and skin was exposed _. English slaves and their warmer bodies and holes. 'Much like their weather.'_ I heard some of them say and laugh out loudly. That moment I wished for one thing only. I wanted Thor to return alive and successful from these battles.

~~~~~

 

The feast was finished when Thor's mother called for us. At first I thought it was because she had missed her grand child. But it was not the cause. From the constant way she was fidgeting with her jewelry and sleeves, I figured something of trouble had happened.  
She did not waste a second to inform us of the news.

 _"Thor, The girl from the brothel arrived here minutes ago. She said she missed her blood this month. She claims she is carrying your child,_ "

And I felt the world spinning around me.  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On this episode we have...  
> Bad writing!Angst!Smut!Thor being a sweet lil baby who threatens to skin people alive! Enjoy!

_"Thor, It has been five days! Just see the poor girl. If not for her sake, for the baby,"_

_"But am I the father of this baby, truly?"_ Thor protested to his mother. His voice was so loud even I had to put some distance between my ear and door. Yes, I was eavsdropping. " _She is a prostitute! How many other men have bedded her in the last month?"_

 _"Women know these things,_ " Frigga objected.

_"Just How many men?"_

_"She said she is not working there,"_ Frigga protested hastily. " _I will ask other woman tomorrow. If she is being truthful, then--"_

 _"Then what?_ " Thor roared vehemently.

_"We've talked about this Thor. Balder can't--"_

Balder pulled the bottom of my night shirt. "Lokka!" He called. He stretched his arms towards me and looked up. It was a silent plea he had recently developed. He wanted to be held up. I smiled softly at him as I granted him his wish. The minute he was face to face with me Thor growled from the other side of the door. Out of coincidence, a raging thunder struck the sky in the very moment and Balder cried out.

"Shh...," I pressed him to my chest but he did not stop.

Thor stormed in, banging the door behind himself as he did so.

 _"Whore!"_ He called out, to his mother or the Sif woman I did not know.

Upon seeing Balder crying he came forward to hold him from me but Balder wailed louder when I tried to hand him over. He tried to get him by force but Balder buried his face in my neck. This made something in Thor's frown become loose. He gulped with sadness, swallowing a weak sob as he fell down to the chair before us.

 _"My only son doesn't want my embrace_ ,"

_"Thor he's just tired..."_

" _No_!" He yelled. Once again his roar had the child crying. This only deteriorated Thor's rage. He groaned in anger as he kicked a chair recklessly.

I called for a maid to help Balder to his own little bedroom. I handed him to her at the door. Thor did not like to be seen vulnerable.

He was not the only person confused after all that happened in the past days. At first I was furious because during our journey I felt like I had grown to be something more than just a pathetic resemblance of an old fame but I was proved otherwise by all these talks of Sif. Then I negotiated with myself. Thor had bedded her once he thought I was taking advantage of him. Perhaps he too had his own wild expectations, rather illusions, of me developing feelings for him and then realizing It was all to reach Fandral's company.

I had no feelings for Thor. I was absolutely sure of this. And the jealousy that I felt in the beginning was because I felt my place was threatened due to the new woman. And that was all. Truly. He could share bed with all living creatures in the village and I still would not give a single care. I told myself I was only trying to help him because of the shelter he gave me.

Once crying Balder was gone, I spun on my toes to find him standing by the window. I approached him prudently. " _Thor_ ,"

_"It is unwise to be in my company,"_

_"Please I wa--"_

" _What? You value me so little not to deserve one, one frown on your face, Loki? Are you even sad she said this?_ " I did not answer him. " _Are you_?"

Was I?

Was I sad this had occured?

I was left speechless. Then I fell victim to the endless river of my mind. Thor's touch on my waist, asking me if I was alright. His foolish attempts in teaching me the meaning of more difficult words. Him still remembering to smile at me in a room full of his most trusted shield siblings. Me in his arms in the wet tent, him drawing circles with his fingers on my back. Him holding Balder in his muscled arms but still afraid to drop him.

Was I sad?

 _"I am angry!_ " I yelled. Thor's eyes widened at the raw display of my emotions. I was also astonished. But I was also a rush of relief. I had been a dishonest, concealing child, even to my cunning self. " _You bed prostitutes because you don't have me for one night?_ " I cried out, making the most abhorrent expression I could manage. I shoved Thor back roughly. " _You steal me. You fuck me. You make mistake but you blame me!"_

Thor was not even fighting. He was standing before me like a numb corpse. This aggravated me further. " _You want me to be sad? I am Angry!_ " I yelled so loud I was sure people in Ǫgvaldsnes heard me. " _Are you pig? Must you rut every night?"_ I was constantly shoving him backwards until he hit the wall. I did not stop then. He had acted as a helpless man in love and here he was, not even denying my words!

How could I love him?

I hated Thor!

 _"I hate you you pig!"_ I confessed weakly. My hands lost the soul of violence as I rested my head on his sternum. "I hate you," I needed to reassure myself in my own language. I needed to hear myself. My voice sounded different when I talked in their language, it was lighter. I just needed to find myself. I needed to define my desires, to recognize my emotions.

But when Thor embraced me, I did not fight his touch. _"I want you. Not her,_ " he said.

" _You lie,"_ I insisted. Nevertheless when he placed his lips on mine, I kissed him back. It was rather a gentle kiss for us but Thor did not rush it. Instead he tilted his face to deepen it. His right hand fisted in my hair as his left held my waist firmly. I felt the blood leave my legs to rush to my head, making me lightheaded. Thor was devouring my lips, his hands rubbing all over my back, almost hoisting me up the ground.

I wanted him to lift me up, to show me how powerful he was. I felt for his shoulders and biceps, relishing the hardness of his muscles. Something was wrong with these thoughts, Yet I cared naught. This simple act of kissing was making me feel more alive than ever and I dared not stop.

" _Loki..._ "He murmured. He sounded like he was feeling exactly what I was feeling and he was scared. He was frightened by the intimacy that one kiss brought him. I did not let him finish, I attached my lips to his again because I couldn't bare not to.

Finally I had to move away to catch my breathe. Thor was panting alongside me, his lips were puffy and his cheeks were red.

 _"Are you still angry?"_ He asked, no louder than a whisper.

" _Yes_ ," I answered slyly.

Thor made an amused expression. " _Yes_?"

I grinned, showing a full set of teeth. He laughed this time as he kissed me but I could not laugh, I moaned instead. What was wrong with me? Thor pulled back to observe me. I did not meet his eyes. I was too embarrassed. He hooked his hands under my thighs and took me to the bed.

~~~~~

In the morning I could not help blushing whenever I was met with Thor's eyes. He only had a week before leaving for the entire autumn so resting was out of question. He was still nude on the ruffled bed. He was watching me with a clear intention; evidence visible both in his eyes and ... lower parts.

 _"do not go to weaving house today_ ," He suggested as I was dressing up. I chuckled but did not even consider the idea. This morning Sif and some other girls were coming to discuss the recent rumors with Frigga and me staying at home meant this was a matter of great importance for me. It was me admitting that I saw her as threat. I had to make an appearance and also take Balder or Thor with me to prove that we were happy. I could not stand being humiliated by those villagers anymore.

 _"Come with me," I_ asked.

_"To the weaving house?"_

_"To swim,"_ I informed him. _"Are there beaches in the north?"_

" _Not where I'm going_ ," He smiled sadly. " _This could be my last mulighet(?),"_

My hands froze from where they were combing my hair. I approached him, sitting by the edge of bed to observe his face. Thor was a human, too. I may have not seen him as one until that day; he had thoughts, beliefs, feelings. He was a father, Balder's father. I bit my lips in nervousness, not knowing what to say to someone who was walking to death.

 _"Then come with us,"_ I insisted.

And from that smile, I knew he was.

~~~~~

  
We bought a few furs from the village. I tried my best to smile all the while, nor once handing Balder to a maid. Some gossiping villagers caught us, which was exactly what I wanted.

I had left Val at home because at the end, I still found it irresistible to ignore the events of the day. But when Thor asked me why she is not present, I blamed her healing shoulder. She was somehow reluctant to come with us either. Well, her last time in a beach did not end pleasant.

Thor was also protective. He took us to the nearest seaside and I wasted no time in making the most of it. I shed my clothes as if they were but waste. I hugged Balder to myself before stepping gingerly in the water. I had missed this.

Swimming was an occasional sport in my family when I was growing up. I couldn't swim in the wild waters for I only had the experience of warm summer lakes in the woodlands.

Balder clutched to my shoulders, trying to climb up me in order to avoid the water. "That will not save you from the inevitable young man," I giggled before resting my wet hand on his bare back. He made a surprised noise but did not fight me when I poured some water on his back. I could not drop him unexpectedly. I had to get him used to the temperature first. It was much colder than our usual baths.

I was wondering what had taken Thor so long to join us. I gazed back at the shore to find him deep in conversation with his new guard Ivar and a panting man on his horse. He was not here when we arrived but he was the one to do most of the talking. He must have delievered something important. Thor excused the messager soon. He rubbed his face while Ivar tried to comfort him. The other guards and the maidens that came with us looked rather disturbed too.

Thor noticed he was under my surveillance. He faked a smile, whispered something to Fandral before taking off his clothes to join us in the water.

" _Loki, I--"_ He said once he was close enough to me to hear him but far away enough so only I could hear him.

I shook my head, placing a finger on his lips. " _We swim_ ," I said. " _Troubles are not let in the water,"_

He swallowed but nodded nevertheless. I smiled and caressed the side of his face. He quickly learned into my touch, kissing my palm. _What was I doing?_ Why was I acting so caring towards him? It ought to be because of last night, I told myself. Maybe I pitied him numerously for he was heading into a war. I did not know any longer. I had lost care. It just felt right to comfort him.

"Far!" Balder called for Thor, ending my thoughts. He stretched his arms towards Thor. The poor man was confused. I rolled my eyes. He could be so dense sometimes.

_"He wants you to hold him,"_

_"But last night..."_

_"He was scared of thunder, Not you."_

And so we played with the water, splashing it on each other as Balder surprised us with his swimming skills. My father once told me children knew how to swim, it was time who erased it from their memory. I told Thor this when I saw how surprised he was and he kissed me in answer. I did not return it. I was mortified to be seen groped in front of all those people. Despite all of them knowing already I spent almost every night underneath Thor, displaying it was another story. Thor found my instant reaction of pulling away entertaining so he delved in for another.

"Absolutely not!"

_"What?"_

" _No_!"

" _Why?_ "

and I ran from him, holding Exhausted Balder to my chest.

We stayed in the water until our skin was emptied of oil and was covered in water wrinkles. Balder had fallen asleep on my left shoulder. Thor left the water to make the furs ready for us. We immediately covered ourselves in the warm furs and I let Balder fall asleep under the sinking sun.

Thor nodded to the guards and they left with concerned glances. The maids placed some dry cloth and fruits for us before disappeating too. " _I leave tomorrow_ ," He murmured when they were all gone. _  
_

" _What_?" I sat in front of him.

 _"I want you to be careful when I'm away,"_ He mumbled. _"Someone may come here,"_

What was he talking about? Did he mean another warrior, a friend of his was to rule during his departure?

_"Who?"_

_"A Jarl who hates me,"_ He said. " _If he...comes here, take Balder and run with Ivar. He knows what to do. He must not see you nor Balder,"_

_"But..."_

_"I will tell you why when I return,"_

_"at least tell me his name_ "I begged him, launching closer until we were inches apart.

 _"_ _Svadilfari_ ,"

I repeated that name few times but I noticed his discomfort so I let the matter rest aside for now. He was leaving _tomorrow_ , so soon and abrupt. But there was a question ringing in my ear, was I glad he was going to war? I could sleep all by myself, sated and untouched each night. But somewhere along the way, Thor's heavy around my waist had gone from restraining to comforting. It made me confused. I even reached out to touch him often, much like reassurance, just to secure myself with the knowledge that he was there. It made me put some distance between us and he mistook for fear.

 _"I kill him for what he did to my friend,"_ He added _. "But if he touches you, or my son, I will keep him alive. I will flenge(?) his lungs from his chest, make him wish for death,"_ There was a certainty in his eyes, in his voice, that made me quailed for a brief moment. Could this happen to me if I did him wrong?

 _"I take care of him,"_ I promised.

  
  
~~~~~

The night came soon, much sooner than it did on any other day. It was like once we wanted to run away from tomorrow, it was running after us.

But the news of Thor's sudden journey was not the only surprise of the day. At the dinner table I faced the woman; Sif. She was dressed in one of Frigga's nightgowns. If anything, she did not look like a prostitute. Her skin was glowing and clean, a contrast to the prostitutes I had always seen. She greeted Thor with a bow. _"I made dinner for you, My Jarl"_

Thor exchanged few glances with his mother but she tilted her head with a peaceful expression. Figga also greeted me, and thanked me for taking care of her grandson.

We were almost finished with dinner when Frigga set her cup of wine down to inform us of the events of the day. " _Sif is not a prostitute. She is a warrior who was passing from our village. She--"_

" _\--Is also mute?"_ Thor interrupted. " _Talk for yourself,"_

I stopped eating, fidgeting with my tunic as I waited for Thor's answer.

 _"I was only staying in the village for a month. I stayed in a room and you thought I was a--"_ She said too quietly.

_"Why did you not say so when I entered your room?"_

Sif did not say anything. Thor sighed angrily but Frigga rubbed his shoulder in a failing attempt to comfort him. _"She tells the truth,"_ She tried to sound logical. _"I told her she can stay until the baby is born."_

That seemed to set Thor's fury aflame for he stood in full height, panting haughtily " _Am I nothing in this house? I hope to die in the north so you run this village as you do mother, only with no shame!_ " He left the dining room, banging the door behind himself as he cursed his way outside. We sat in wonder until we heard him march to the stable with heavy steps and take his horse out from the stables and ride him at a gallop.

I excused myself, heading to Thor's bedroom to sleep. Val was waiting for me inside. She did not offer much excess information besides what Frigga had already said. She left eventually, leaving me alone to fall into the void of thoughts. How challenging life could be. My father desired me to become a physician, I had foreseen my future to be a travelling merchant and yet I was in the bed of an enemy of my country. I saw a homeless woman as a menace to my unstable position and Here was Thor, leaving me tomorrow. What a life.

I buried my face in the soft furs and stared at the blazing fireplace until I fell asleep, hoping to wake up far away from all of this.

~~~~~

A familiar warm hand that wrapped around my wrist woke me. I hesitantly opened my eyes to see Thor sitting by the edge of bed. He did not say anything and I asked for nothing. He was soaking wet, from riding hours in the soft rain outside. He was heaving like the horse he was riding before he jumped on me.

I reacted instantly, Wrapping my hands around his shoulders to pull him down on top of me. Thor removed his shirts and leggings and opened my night robe before settling between my thighs. I tilted my head back as he trailed kisses on my neck and shoulders. He did not prepare me enough but I doubt we both wanted much waiting.

Thor angled his hips, poured some oil on his manhood before thrusting in quickly. I moaned weakly beneath him, arching my back to his solid warm body as he gave me pleasure. I tangled my fingers in his hair and looked at his face. His flushed cheeks and dark eyes were exactly above mine. I bit my lips as he changed the angle of his hips to plunge deeper. I scratched his shoulders.

I dared myself to look beyond his shoulder, to his back and hips as the bucked back and forth. He was soaked in sweat but his hips did not once lose rhythm. The sight made me mad with lust, I hooked my ankles behind his hips to urge him to go faster. " _Faster, Thor,"_

He groaned, granting me my want.Thor wrapped a hand around my manhood and I lost all my sense. I released not long after that but he still continued. He rose up to pin my back to wall to have me like that. Although I had already reached my edge, the dominant position had me filling with want again. I bit my lower lip as I stared deep into Thor's eyes. He lost his pace the final seconds and then went completely still.

He kissed me so but he did not sleep. I closed my robe and helped him pack what was necessary. He did not take much. It's wiser to take less when you leave for war, it reminds you less of home, it helps you fight without fear of death, Thor said. And well, Norsemen had a reputation of fighting until death. They could not let go of their lives so easily if they kept getting reminded of their families.

When It was time to go, Thor gave me a long deep kiss before he left the bed chamber. We did not say much. There was not much to say. Or if there was, we left them unsaid.

Thor and his man were to lead the way through the woods for their destination was surrounded by land only. As I observed other warriors and their families, I discovered the same disquietude in their faces that Frigga and perhaps myself had. Children who were young enough to know the meaning of battle had tears in their eyes and younger ones did not see it important enough to leave their morning sleep. Perhaps their parents had seen better this way, to lessen their own pain.

Fandral and Val were not leaving. Instead, she was inspiring few young warriors while Fandral helped to pack water and food on the carriages. I was thankful they were staying.

Thor kissed his mother and sleepy Balder on the forehead but gave Sif and I a nod. He climbed on his horse and left to the unknown that awaited him.


	9. Chapter 9

The leaves began to fall few weeks later. The woodland that stood between the village and the mountains was blooming with warm colors, unlike the weather that was becoming more raw each passing day.

I was not used to the cold as the Norsemen were. I began to wear gloves in October and heavy furs in November. Even with those on I could not spend more than an hour outside. Sif was strangely intrigued, she cleverly used any opportunity to remind me of my origins sardonically; gone was the nice girl who made Thor and I dinner.

I did not try to engage in any argument with her. I even raised no voice even when she begged like a child to get Thor's room all to herself. All she had to do was a cough and rub her belly few times to sneak her way into Frigga's heart. It was unsettling, how her manners changed when the old woman was around. It made me reminded of Thor's questions, of why she had not voiced out she was no prostitute when Thor had gone to her room. Perhaps she desired this. If her child was a healthy boy, it could make a better warrior than Balder and eventually become Thor's heir. I did not know if this was the costume around here to choose the eldest son or the Jarl was basically the best warrior. For now I wanted no-one to be the Jarl except for Thor.

He was gone for four months now. During that time, Balder had said his first sentence: " _Look at that!_ ". I was so overwhelmed I felt the instant need to tell Thor. It was the first time I realized I was sad because of his absence and that I had missed him. It did not help that everywhere I went I was reminded of him.

The greatest symbol of his legacy was Balder who never left my side. After Sif had taken Thor's bed chamber to herself I usually slept in Bader's tiny room and even in sleep he clutched to me. It was sweet, I was starting to feel like he was my own son. This even made me feel more pathetic. I wanted to run, I was going to run. But If I did, would I ever see Balder again? Or Fandral? Or even the haughty Val? I had no friends in England, only associates from my business. I did not even own a house, but here, I was starting to--No no no! I was still their slaves! None of them all saw me as an equal, especially that Thor who only chased his own pleasure.

That last claim made me quite mad with frustration. It was not true. I was beginning to _enjoy_ our couplings. Even thinking about Thor's hands on my body never failed to create a writhing mess of me. I did not often touch myself but after being bedded almost every night, my body craved human touch like never before. I was only beginning to understand why people were willing to sometimes even spend coins for it. But I dared not do so for I knew nobody could love me the way he did. The minute I touched my skin I could see his eyes hooded with lust on me. And my hands always betrayed my modesty, they never left my hole alone. I would only think of his body when I closed my eyes in the depth of my pleasure. Afterwards I would sit there drowning in shame that I did something so wanton. But it happened each time and I could no longer pretend I didn't yearn for Thor. Because I did.

My days had fallen into a repetitious torture of tolerating the life I had never volunteered to have. I had to deal with insinuative remarks of villagers, maids and Sif. Most of the time she'd approach me with feigned empathy to discuss why Thor would eventually leave me for her.

 _"How old are you? no older than 20 or 21, right?_ " She finally gained enough courage to talk to me. She had been sitting in the kitchen for minutes, watching me make Balder a herb tea.

 _"Younger than you,"_ I replied coldly. I only wanted her to let me be.

" _Do you know how old Thor is?_ " She smiled with ferocity.

" _I care not_ ,"

 _"He will become thirty this winter,"_ She smiled. " _Do you know what that means?_ "

" _I do not care_ ,"

She, however continued to share her unrequited opinions. _"He can no longer act like a child. He must stop playing with slaves and get a wife,"_

I beamed at her. She was being delusional. I was not as vain as she was, Instead I trusted the reality. Thor did not like her, he was only accepting her for the sake of her baby. Thor wanted me.

 _"And you think he'll choose you?"_ I grinned. _"I don't blame you for dreaming."_

" _Dreaming? If not me, then who?_ You _want to be his wife?_ "She raised her eyebrows. _"Maybe you do have a cunt."_

 _"Maybe I do. You can only rely on your imagination,_ " I smiled. _"Or you want to see?"_

Her expression was disgusted and offended as she left the kitchen. Good. She may fool others with her fake charm but I could see beyond her pretty face.

But her words remained with me for days to come. She had been somehow correct. For a warrior, Thor was almost _old._ Most of them did not not live that long. And even though Thor did have a son, Balder was sick. He could not touch an animal's body for long and he could not eat many things. If he was caught in a drought or battlefield, was there a guarantee that he could endure it alive? Even if Thor did not need her, He needed her son or daughter. And He wasn't heartless, he could not tear her away from her child. Days, months, years, He could lose his attraction to me.

I pushed that thought aside because it was not happening now and I was not going to be here for years.

~~~~~

 

Val and I were helping Fandral rebuild his old stable. It was the same one I had ran into when I was attacked at the beach. "That day when you found me here," I said to Fandral. "What happened to the man who was chasing me?"

"I shot him with an arrow. But I had to get you and Thor's son a safe place first. When I return, he gone." He said.

"He was gone," I corrected him.

"Yes, that," He nodded, carrying a few bricks to the stable. I had wanted to help but Val made it crystal clear about how Thor did not like me to be sick and cold. Instead I was staying in the small cottage to take care of his pigs and goats while they were away. He said he could not let them wander in the yards like the last winter when his stable was crushed under the heavy weight of snow. "I can not lose one more goat," He had complained. "I am already poor enough,"

Val had brought a few of the older teenagers along with her to help with the construction. I usually took Balder with me but even in Fandral' s cottage, I had be accompanied with at least a guard and a maid. I usually ignored them as I played with the little boy. He mostly wanted to touch and grab everything now that he'd learnt to walk around scurrily. He did not ask much about Thor, his mind was still too young to understand time fully. When I asked when he'd last his father, he replied "today,".

I spent many hours talking to Fandral in his free time. I asked him about Svadilfari, about who he was. Fandral did tense at my question but he answered me, as much as he was allowed. After a few weeks I could not postpone my urge to discover the truth.

"Is he, the man whom Thor saw in Ubsola, near Lokelani's grave?" I asked. He was chopping some onions for dinner. But then his hands stopped. His shoulder blades twitched for a minute but continued nonetheless.

"Fandral I know that you know,"

"I did not say I don't," He hissed, pouring the onions into the water boiling near the fireplace. His recklessness caused the steam to rise high to hit his hand and he cursed, running around the kitchen to find water.

I handed sleeping Balder to my maid and ordered her to take him away. She bowed and left with the guard. We were finally alone.

"Tell me,"

"Stop this,"

"Was it him?"I bellowed.

"I said stop,"

"So answer me!"

"Yes!" He cried out. "It was him! It was him who was there! It was him who killed my mother! It was him who destroyed my family! It was him!"

"Fandral--," I tried to reach for him but he took a step away from me.

"Are you satisfied now?"

"That is not--"

"Leave!" He ordered. He covered his shaking burnt hand under his cotton shirt. I realized the shirt was sticking into his meat as the material made a distabt hissing sound. Yet the pain of it did nothing to hide his anger. "I said leave my house!"

Despite his state, I regarded him with a heavy heart, shameful of myself as I wrenched the door shut behind me.

~~~~~

 

I became even more lonely. Fandral refused to talk to me in any matter other than teaching me more of their language. I dared not ask any more question, neither from him nor anyone else.

But losing his honest company was not the worst accident that came upon me during Thor's departure. The worst of it happened in December.

That morning was particularly colder than most mornings and I arrived later in the weavibg house. Upon my sight, some women shushed each other. I paid them no mind. I was used to being treated like an outsider. I sat in my usual place and began to cut a few red threads. Behind my back they started to whisper again and I heard some of their words.

_".....The seer said her child is a girl ...."_

_".....And that she will limp!...."_

_"....Poor girl was so upset!...."_

_".....It's like the gods are punishing Jarl for planting his seed in a place it doesn't take...."_

_"....He will kick him out soon, he is not even easy to eyes...."_

She was talking about me. My hands shook and I dropped the cutter on the ground. The women noticed and the gossips died.

I finished early that day before heading straight to the house. I ate my lunch in a rush before locking myself in an empty room. Sif saw my dishevelled state and emotionlesd expression but for once her sharp remarks stayed in her own skull.

I stayed in there for a couple of hours until my mind found some peace. However when I went to visit Balder in his room his maids told me _Sif_ had taken him out for walk. Even they were confused because of Sif's sudden generosity.  
  
It was peculiar! Sif disliked Balder immensely. No matter how sick she saw him, he was still a threat to her child's position. I could see how sometimes she eyed her with loathe and disgust.

_seer said her child will limp!_

It suddenly made sense to me.

 _"Where? Where did she take him?"_ I questioned the maid.

" _She--She did not say_!"

I grabbed my furs and without informing anyone I ran to the village.

Sif was going to get rid of Balder.

My feet were beginning to hurt as the snow slipped into my boots. My face was cold and numb but I did not care for myself. I searched the entire village and asked any one passing by if they'd seen her. It was like Sif had turned into a ghost. Nobody had seen her after yesterday evening when she had cried running out of the seer's cottage.

After the restless conquest I decided to look for her outside the village. She could not be at the beach; many youth were sparring with each other there. The woodland was also out of question, there was a huge lake she had to cross if she wanted to abandon him far from the village.

The lake.

There was a frozen lake there.

Without any second thought I ran towards the woodland. The place was dead; the tree brenches were covered in heavy snow and no sound I could hear except for my own feet getting more ans more clumpy. At some point I had to undress from one of my furs for it was strangely heavy.

I eventually found the lake. On the other side of it Sif was sitting with her Balder playing in her lap. She was completely alone. Where had her guards been?

The fragile looking ice forced me to walk on the more solid side of the frozen lake. It took me few minutes to reach her and all the while she stared at me immensely, not even twitching her leg.

Balder was wrapped in her arms, covered from head to toe as he struggled under the heavy clothes. Even his face was covered.

 _"You are not as stupid as I thought,"_ She remarked.

 _"But you are just as irrational,"_ I answered with shaking voice. My gaze was fixed behind her shoulder. There was a hole caved in the thick ice of the lake side. What was she trying to accomplish? Had she done this all by herself? She did not look exhausted. There had to be someone else helping her.

 _"Give him to me,"_ I asked her gently. " _And I tell no-one of this,"_

She grinned. " _No you will not,_ " and she dropped him in the water. I saw as his small body disappeared underneath the freezing water. I could not believe my eyes. What had she done? Balder was just an innocent child! He was like my own son!

I did not fully comprehend my next actions as I jumped into the water to save him. The chill that went through my bones as my body was sucked into the hungry lake had me paralyzed for a few seconds. But I did not have more seconds to waste. In a blur of water before my eyes I saw his body a few feet beneath mine. I swam towards it and held him to my chest.

Then I heard something.  
  
The voices changed under the surface of water so I could not tell what it was. However, as my head span into the direction of the loud crash, the hole was _closed_. There was a thick piece of ice covering it and as much as I hit it with my arms and legs, I could not move it. panicking I pressed Balder's to my body before the corpse of a _rabbit_ escaped from underneath the cotton.

I had been tricked.

She was getting rid of me, for without me all it took to kill Balder was a wrong meal. I followed her from under the water, punching at the ice until my lungs hurt and my vision darkened.

~~~~~

 

"You are a disappointment!" I heard my father's voice in distant. He often called me that. It worsened as my brothers travelled to Rome to to learn biology and I stayed in the house.

He was a man of respect in Wessex. In exchange of the rare merchandise he traded, many of the royal men respected him enough to let him in their houses. He also found himself attracted to many of the wonders he brought from the east. Our house soon had no empty place for it was filled with Chinese antiques and goods the Arabs sold him.

My lonliness and the fact I was left wandering around the house most days made me friends with his books. Those books were for sale to nobles only. I was not allowed to read them but who would know? The more I read the more fascinated I became with whatever my father was keeping behind thosee doors.

I asked him humbly to let me visit Rome but he refused me. When I asked to travel to Francia he denied me.

I was nineteen, I was old enough to travel the world. He often said he started his commerce when he was sixteen. One night I stole few of my father's antiques and hopped on a horse to ride away. My journey did not last long for the Norsemen took me to their home.

But was it not my dream? To live somewhere new, Where nobody knew me, where I could build my own life and family. Balder's voice echoed in my mind 'Loka'. I had saved his life, And Fandral had saved mine. He needed me. He was waiting for me while my own father wasn't.

I felt press of lips to mine and a firm press on my chest. A rush of water left my mouth as I clutched to the body above me before I fell unconscious.

~~~~~

 

I woke up to the feeling of a kiss on my cheek. I would know those lips everywhere. "Balder," I whispered.

"Loka!"

I opened my eyes to find him sitting on my chest and playing with the blanket on me. I looked over at my surroundings. I was in Fandral's cottage. Only when I tried to sit I noticed the sharp pain in my chest and the numbness in my arms.

"Ah," My moan of pain startled Balder. "I'm well, Little one," He seemed to relax at that. Sometimes I thought he understood my language and for some unknown reason it made me feel relieved.

I struggled to sit for a few seconds but then I was leaning against the wall to watch him play.

The memories came back to me. Sif had tried to _Kill_ me. I could see her now. She did not have a guard because she did not have Balder with her. But then why leave Balder with Fandral? Maybe because it was inconvenient for me to disappear and Balder to die in such short time. Thor would be suspicious.

But she could not have lifted that heavy piece of ice with the bulge of her stomach. There had to be someone else helping her. An ally who would despise me also. It was not difficult to find a person who hated me, many if the villagers did. I could name many but also name none.

It all felt like a dream, Like I had fallen asleep in the empty room inside the house. I pinched the inside of my forearm. The pain was real. It had happened.

 _"You are awake,"_ It was Val. She had been quiet enough for me to remain oblivious of her.

_"You saved me?"_

" _Fandral saw your coat in the woods_ ," She was not wet and it was early morning. I had been following Sif in the noon.

" _You were asleep for a day_ " She said, as if she read my mind. " _Sif tried to kill you."_

" _She did_."

 _"If we had not saved you, you would be dead."_   She said solemnly.

_"I will tell Thor" I whispered.  
_

"Far!" Balder said at the mention of Thor's name. I caressed his hair but my eyes were on Val.

" _Thor is defeated. He does not need to suffer more. I tell him myself after she gives birth, "_

Defeated? How did she know? Was Thor back? " _Where is he?"_

 _"He will be here tomorrow,_ " Val answered, as if reading my mind. " _He does not like seeing you weak. He is already upset,"_ She placed a bowl of warm onion soup near me before leaving me. That woman was heartless. If I had seen somebody in my condition I would be at least kind to them.

And why was she defending Sif? I had to confront Thor about her myself.

From the window side, I saw her kicking the cottage as she marched to the stable. She must have made Thor a promise too, Just like I had. I Protect Thor's son and she protects me.


	10. Chapter 10

 

That night I slept in Fandral's bed. I was too scared to visit the house. I was not afraid of Sif, I was afraid of myself. I could see myself stabbing her to death with the first sharp object that would find its way into my hands. That little monster was disguising herself as a shy victim of Thor's sudden urges. I was certainly sure she had planned this from very beginning. Just How long had she been hiding in that brothel waiting for him?

The sleep did not haunt me. I lay awake for I could not sleep. Each time I closed my eyes I felt the flow of non-existent water down my nose and mouth. After a series of failed attempts I sat against his board. I did desire to think of something, anything except the feeling of water rushing into my nose and blocking my breathing. I was not quite successful.

In the end I put on a fur coat to visit Fandral. Not only he'd been distant, he was now visibly escaping my company. But he must not hate me, He saved me after all. Whether it was to avoid me or the urgent need to fix his stable through a freezing night, he had not stepped into the house.

I found him and few of the village's younger boys sleeping on the floor of stable. They were shaking with cold as they were wrapped around each other. I looked further into the stable, to the pigs, goats and few horses that were bumping into one another as they tried to find a corner to sleep in.

I was sauntering around the place instead of going back to the cottage when I sensed a low breathing behind some bushes. I was overcome with fear of death. I swallowed so heavily my throat hurt and only then I realized I was breathing too loudly to keep quiet. Then the bushes quivered and I lurched back with a gasp. I was ready to squeal when a little fox jumped above it.

I was about to calm down when I discovered what an absolute _idiot_ I was! I had already been a target twice. l could not be wandering around in the woods alone in the middle of the night! I almost ran the way back to the cottage and locked the door behind me. To my surprise, all the noises I made did not stir Val in her sleep.

I was so tired I did not recall when my heavy eyes won the best of my heavy breathing and I fell asleep.

~~~~~

I presented myself handsomely in the morning. Val brought me what she could of my favorite clothes. I did not want to seem like I'd anticipated Thor's return so desperately but I could not fool myself. I spent a little too long washing my body and face. I did not even try to braid my hair as most people found it customary. I allowed it to curl and fall about my face while I washed my face for a second time.

Val was amused. She took a giant bite of an apple as she observed me in complete interest. " _He will get into bed with you, with or without all this fuss!"_

I eyed her with a little suspicion. She was right but I had to look presentable for every one, especially for Sif. I needed Thor to only have eyes on me. I needed it, I needed his assurance to make sure my position was safe once again.

I applied some dark color behind my eyes, just enough to emphasize them and I felt I was ready. Ivar and Val walked me to the gates of the village where I greeted Frigga and Sif. She looked bitter. Her eyebrows were fixed in their place due to her unresolved anger. I enjoyed seeing her in such disturbed state. It made me feel stronger.

I smiled at Balder who was tucked in Frigga's arms and he grinned at me. I was not letting anything terrible happen to him.

From north, we saw the first of our village's warriors coming into view. I expected it to be Thor. Unconsciously I took a step forward, breathed faster in anticipation. But when it was not him I almost lost my confidence. Nothing could harm to him. I stood there, eying broken warriors as one by one they reunited with their families.

I was losing hope when I saw his dark red fur and silver horse. His expression was fixated on something far behind on us, the sea. His jaw was clenched and there was a deep cut on his throat. He looked like he'd just returned from hell.

He climbed off his horse to greet Frigga and his son. He kissed them both on the forehead. He touched Sif's shoulder in greeting until his eyes caught me. I could not control my breathing, I was gulping air into my lungs. I opened my mouth to say a hello but nothing but a quivering exhale escaped me when I focused on him.

Thor was _wrecked_. The cut on his face trailed under his collar, his entire left hand was wrapped in bloody cottons. There were dark circles under his eyes and his lips were bruised and dry. This was not the Thor that left the village four months ago.

His eyes ranked over me before changing his path to go inside the house. He was not as excited as I thought him be. I knew he was defeated, that he must at least be appear remorseful. But some greeting was not unwelcome. Needless to be told I followed him. Not one guard or maid minded us. Nobody asked him to stay and encourage his lost men. When I followed him, there was no question of where he was heading. He was a soldier who was months away from warmth of skin, he longed some now that he'd returned. I chased him into his bedroom but before I could close the door, He had me against the nearest wall.

I was familiar enough with Thor not to surprised. I had relished it since the minute I knew he was coming back, I had relished it and I had wanted it.

He was panting into my face, his bulk looming over me. I looked up at him with the same want he expected to see in me. _"I missed you so damn much..."_ he whispered, hands that were tight around my waist a second ago moving lower to my hips as he handled me roughly. He didn't finish his sentence and all I did was rewarding him with a pukish grin. He did not smile, he just pressed his face to mine and breathed me in. I did the same, scenting the remnants of fresh mud and dry iron from his blood. He smelled like war, like a lost wolf. I pressed both of my palms on his shoulders to levitate myself and that was when he I saw her.

Sif's eyes were locked on us from across the corridor, fury burning in her eyes. I cradled Thor's head to guide him lower, to my neck. He obeyed me like a tamed pet and when I rolled my hips experimentally, he did not disappoint me. I locked eyes with Sif as Thor ravished what he could with two heavy coats separating our skins. She left eventually, there was no point to pour salt on her scars.

I tried to reach for his coat but he batted my hand away with a painful groan. " _Thor_?" I questioned him.

He shook his head with a concerned expression. He bagan to undress me but I did not touch him further. When he was trying to pull my legging I lost my balance for a second. I was going to tumble if my hand hadn't found his waist. I was a second away from laughing but he winced in pain.

I could no longer ignore this.

Even with his verbal protests he did not fight me when I helped him shed his armor and tunic. We were not finished when my eyes caught the huge stain of blood on his side. It was an immensely scarlet red and it was still damp when I touched it. It was fresh.

" _You need help_ ,"  
  
" _I don't,"_ He insisted in a bitter voice. " _I'm fine_ ,"  
  
" _You will die if we don't--_ "

 _"I won't!_ " he cried out.  
  
He sat himself on the bed. We looked at eachother with wrath until I realized this was ridiculous. I closed the door to check on his scar. I knelt beside the bed to examine him clossly. With his reluctance, I had to get rid of his tunic all by myself. He tried to push my hand away but with my glare, he surrendered. There was a nasty cut from under his lowest rib down to the edge of his left hip. It was not infected yet, but it was red and slightly inflamed _. "Is it worse than it looks?"_ He asked.

The blood was still spouting from some areas near his ribs but the cut was not deep enough to pierce any organ.  
" _It is not deep,_ " I informed him. " _My elder brother taught me somethings about preventing infection but I can't promise I was a great student,_ "I murmured, still examining the cut.

" _You speak very well,_ " he complimented me. " _I must thank Fandral properly,"_ I could see he was struggling to speak. Each time he opened his mouth to talk, an excess amount of air caused his ribcage to expand and more blood to leave his scar.

" _quiet_ ,"

_"I told you I am fin--Ouch!"_

I pinched the top of his scar to silence him. _"I need some herbs. and warm water._ " I said. " _I will go get them quickly. Don't move_ ,"

For the next few hours we didn't talk much. I was too busy boiling water and making him any salve I knew to care about war and anything.

We ate lunch inside the room. I wore nothing but a simple robe as they delivered some food to the room. I had to appear as if we were too _busy_. Otherwise they would insist on staying until we were licking the dishes clean. Thor was intrigued, his stupid grin didn't once faltered as I fed him in a half nude state. I remained expressionless.

 _"Are you mad at me?"_ He whispered, caressing my face after I closed his scar with a tight piece of cotton. I was taken back. What should I say?

_"Why did you take so long?"_

_"You don't want to hear war stories,"_

_"Tell me," I_ persisted. _"I will hear it from soldiers sooner or later,"_

I huffed out loudly, sitting next to him and crossing my arms. After a few minutes Thor reached out to grab a loaf of bread but I slapped his hands away. Ignoring the stunned yet offended expression he gave me, I began to eat his chosen bread. I raised my eyebrows and pouted, daring him to think about anything except explaining himself to me.

_"May I at least see my son?"_

~~~~~

Thor was resting his back against the pillows as he watched Balder play with his new toys. They were some curved wooden horses and bears Ivar had made him. I was boiling him a new bowl of herbal tea when he arduously straightened himself in bed to talk. _"We were winning,"_ He said. _"I killed 8 Jarls and their sons. I only had two villages left,"_ He coughed, drawing attention from Balder. I caressed his tiny hair until his attention was shifted from his wincing father back to me and his toys.

 _"Father will be fine,"_ I reassured him, caressing the side of his face.

Thor was gazing at us with a strange fondness that made me slightly uncomfortable, Like I was caught doing something much more intimate.

 _"But when I arrived there, the village was empty. My warriors were scared. I knew it was suspicious. I wanted to take my brothers and sisters away as soon as possible but then there were those arrows. Their warriors had been hiding in their homes like scared children and they shot us from the windows. They were so close to us. Not one of their shots was missed."_ He said in one breath, his voice turning weak by the end. I was speechless.

 _"I took my soldiers away. I sent two of my warriors to the final village but there was no-one there. We decided to come back but in the road, we got attacked as we passed a dead valley. By both Jarls_."

He paused. _"I ran like a coward, I failed my shield sisters and brothers. I failed my king. I failed my son, my father, I failed m-- "_

 _"Enough,"_ I shouted. Balder stopped playing with his dolls and pulled at my shirt to calm me. Thor was only staring at me in wonder. " _You were tricked. You will not blame yourself. You are not responsible for the lives of those men who died. I saw them the night you announced a war in the north. They wanted nothing but bloodshed and they got it. They were old enough to know this isn't a child game. You did what your king ordered."_ I babbled the last parts, noticing I had talked in those sentence more than I had in the last weeks. " _You did what I wanted you to do,_ " I blurted out, because in some ways I was correct. I asked him to choose staying over travelling south. I had saved many people in my country but did I save those in Mercia? In Scotland? In Northumbria? I saved hundred lives but sacrificed thousands.

_"Loki, Are you well?"_

_"Yes"_ I answered. _"Yes I am,"_

~~~~~

I did not inform Thor about the incident with Sif. His mind was already disturbed. I noticed his insomnia many night after. At first I tried to ignore it but eventually I was not able to. I lay there with my head resting on his chest as I told him stories. Sometimes I stumbled on a word or two and we laughed as I tried to define it. I occasionally pecked his lips but Thor's body was too weak and his mind was too occupied to want more.

Thor refused to visit any doctors. He banned me to tell anyone of his condition and I complied. I was at his service almost all the time. We even started benefiting from a much larger bathing barrel which we used together. I massaged his tense muscles until his deep purple marks commenced to fade.

He began to retreat to society a few days later. Together, we visited some of his warriors who were injured most. Thor would often thank them with a decent fox fur or a freshly haunted rabbit. He started training with younger boys and girls in no time. His healing became rapid after that, he was increasingly improving. With the cuts on his face fading and his body getting toned again, I could no longer deny the feeling I got each time I saw him sparring with someone.

It was a quiet evening that I found him training a few teenagers for the first time. I watched the youth making an elaborate pretence of fighting him only to be knocked down with a swift effortless swing of his arms. He noticed me observing him from the veranda and that self-praising grin was back. I rolled my eyes but it was a sham show of apathy because I was beaming the entire time. He sparred a few more experienced, older warriors and not one managed to make him wince even with all his wounds.

He placed his wooden sword aside and swaggered towards me. I leisurely stepped back with my hands behind me. I knew that look on his face. He had spent the past days thinking himself unworthy but now that his strength was reviving, he was again feeling like the oaf he was when he left. I bit my lips in the promise of what was to come. Thor chased me back into the corridor but I slipped inside the old bathing room in the back of house. Eventhough it was always filled with warm water, it was usually empty.

 _"You are very cheerful today,"_ He stated in-between the kisses to my neck.

_"Do you mean am I bitter other times?"_

Thor pulled back a second time to look at me. _"You have a wicked mouth,"_

 _"I have been told,"_ I replied playfully before kissing him again. His hands went straight to my buttock and he squeezed hard, making his intentions very clear. And for me? I was glad I was wanted.

In mere moments after that Thor was sitting on the edge of the tiny pool, his legs dangling in the warm water as I was sprawled on his lap. He chased his pleasure relentlessly, making me bounce on his feverish body over and over again. _"Do you ever think about it?"_ He asked me breathlessly. _"How do you do this to me?"_

 _"Do what?"_ I asked, my voice broken due to my constant gasps.

He slowed down, forcing me violently down and then keeping me seated there. I threw my head back and let out a shocked squeak, the feeling of him filling me to the breaking point was too much to handle. He grinded me back and forth, not once allowing me to lift myself. I slapped his shoulder, too far gone to form words. I was losing my mind. He ignored me completely and continued with his torture.

He pushed me back a little and grind me forward and I felt my soul leave my body. I heard my breathy moan but I did not recall making it. I stared into Thor's eyes in wonder when he repeated it. I inhaled, but no air left me. He seemed to get exhilarated, now driving into me non stop. I could just sit there and take it. _"You turn me into a wild bull"_ He purred into my ear. _"I want to fuck you all the time,"_ He pulled out of me only to push us both in the water. My sensitive skin felt immensely soothed by the touch of warmth against it. Thor was behind me at once, bracing us both on the edge as he entered me once again. He mercilessly bucked into my trembling body.

 _"Yes,"_ I panted, arching back into him, meeting his thrusts. I was getting close, Thor was constantly rubbing at all the right places inside me. I just needed it to be little--" _Harder, Thor, Har--"_ I begged.

Thor grunted next to my ear, lifting one of my legs to comply my wish. The fact that he listened to me made my stomach clench with a wave of heat. I turned my head to gaze into his eyes. I knew I looked greedy and wanton but I cared not, I was diving high into pleasure. Thor wrapped his other hand around my manhood and I spilled into the water with just one touch.

My limp body fell forward on the edge as he emptied his seed into me also. He began trailing kisses on my back until his path lead him to my face. He gently placed strand by strand of hair away from my face and onto one of my shoulders to press his face against mine.

 _"This was the welcome I wanted,"_ He said gingerly. I chuckled, wanting to reply with something clever but he went down into the water. He planted playful bites on my hips and thighs but then they were suddenly gone.

 _"Thor?"_ I asked cautiously, turning around to see nothing but the empty room. I stared into the empty water and I was possessed by a raging fear. I remembered Sif's shadow over the thick length of ice as she walked away from me. I relived the feeling of water in my nose, how its pressure threatened to dig my eyes out of my skull. I couldn't breathe anymore. I was locked in my place. Thor was hoping through the same thing, right before me.

I realized my breathing was quickening but in reality, I felt breathless. My heart was beating so loud I it was the only thing I could hear.

I was a second away from sobbing when he surged up, his arm ring hooked on one of his fingers.

 _"It is getting loose. I must get a new on--Loki_?"

I looked pathetic, I was aware. I was swallowing repeatedly and panicking like a small child. Thor hugged me to himself and I let the tension leave my body. He rubbed my back and shoulders slowly to comfort me and I hated the fact that it was helpful.

 _"Don't do that,"_ I said. _"Don't suddenly disappear under the water,"_

_"But I was right here,"_

_"Just don't!"_

He stepped back to look into my eyes. _"Where is this coming from?"_

 _"Si-Sif tried to kill me,"_ I babbled, no longer able to contain myself. _"She..She forced me under the lake and I...I.. was dying, had Val not saved me,"_

 _"Loki, Why did you not tell me?"_ He kissed my forehead. But he did not wait for my answer, already striding out of the pool.

_"Bring Sif to my room!" He called the guards.  
_

 


	11. Chapter 11

  
Sif begged to Thor on her knees. She wailed as she asked for forgiveness. The bump on her belly was quite visible and she made a show of pointing at it, as though no one was able to see it. To haveone last chance, she even promised to leave her child after birth to live in a temple and pray for Thor's health.

She didn't win his mercy.

It was Frigga who convinced his son to let that woman stay. 'You wouldn't want another motherless child in this house,' was all it took for Thor to dismiss Sif. She was to never harm me again but that promise was as shallow as the pods of water in spring. She was lying and I knew it.

Thor prepared a small cottage for her. He gave her two maids and a warrior. I watched her leave from the stairs with Thor's arms wrapped around my waist. _"Why did you not tell me the minute I arrived?"_

 _"You were miserable enough,"_ I teased and he chuckled _. "I did not want you to trouble you more,"_

He kissed my cheek _"I heard you helped with Fandral's stable,"_

 _"I did what I could,"_ I smiled. The mention of Fandral's name still made my jaw tense. Not due to anger, but all in shame. I had craved information even when he refused to answer. He was evading me perfectly. It was clear now, he had personal business with this rebellious Jarl, much like Thor.

The question was why they were both trying to conceal me from any outsider? Was he the same man who tried to kill Balder that day on the beach, then if so he already knew of his existence. It was pointless.

 _"The two Jarls you could not defeat... was this Svadilfari one of them?"_ I cautiously asked, noting how Thor's hand tightened around my waist.

 _"Yes,"_ he whispered. _"Don't occupy your mind with it,"_ He said before guiding us inside.

When I glanced back a final time, Sif was fading in the view.

~~~~~

  
The Winter was upon us a week later. I watched with wonder as the maids brought sacs and sacs of moss to fill in any holes in-between the walls with them. The windows were soon covered with wood and thick cotton to keep the heat inside.

Thor and his closest friends-Including my guards- spent the last days before the snow hunting in the mountains. I was opposed to him leaving, his scars were finally healing. He of course did not listen, _"Now is the best time to hunt before the winter. Animals are weak and the meat stays fresh,"_ And he returned a few days later with a bear, ten rabbits and few foxes.

I caught a cold a day after the first snow. My body was not at all prepared for the cold that suddenly stroke. Thor found it hilarious. He would chuckle each time I sneezed and my whole body jolted forward. My head ached and my entire body was exhausted. I spent most of the days sleeping and I was eventually so lifeless I could not even pleasure Thor with my hand. _This_ stopped the chuckles and smirks.

My sickness made me quite popular in the village. The women who weaved with me brought me fishes and fresh winter fruits to wish for my health. They talked to me very respectfully, asking me favors or just simply begging me to tell Thor their husbands said hi. I did thank them, but my answer to their wishes was just a 'If I find a time'.

And he was occupied. He was training with his warriors harder than ever to raid north again as soon as the summer arrives.

My strangest visit though happened in an afternoon where he was outside the village. I was teaching Balder some new words when a woman whom I had not encountered before brought me a scarf she insisted was one of her own makings.

We drank warm milk together in silence. It was rather uncomfortable; at least I could ask some questions from the woman of weaving house but I did not anything of this woman. I was in the midst of my thoughts when I noticed she was staring at Balder with visible tears in her eyes. And the more I looked, the more I became suspicious. I held Balder closer to myself and narrowed my eyes at her. She noticed, stealing her gaze downwards to her hands.

We did not say much until the silence became unbearable.

 _"I have not met you before,"_ I said _. "You have a message for Jarl you want me to deliver?"_ I tried.

_"I suppose you get many visits for this request,"_

_"You have no idea,"_ I smiled.

 _"I am not from Tyrströnd,"_ She mumbled. I looked at her skinny hands, her knuckles were so visible they seemed to be piercing her skin. She looked pale and unhealthy. _"But I heard someone was here, someone like her. I had to see for myself,"_

 _"Her?"_  
  
_"My Sister, Inge"_

_"I'm sorry, I do not know her,"_

_"Lokelani many called her in her final days,"_ She interrupted me.Upon hearing that name the hair at the back of my neck stood sharp. I had almost forgotten her. But here was a proof of her existence. One beside Balder, one who _knew_ her. It was very effortless to forget her once I got used to Balder but now here was a new blood of her blood. I observed her once more, as if for the first time. Her pale skin, her green eyes and her high cheekbones. She still had golden hair but ... we looked similar, the three of us.

 _"I guess you know who she is,"_ She concluded from my bewilderment. I just nodded.

She appeared delighted before her face faltered. She swallowed thickly, a poor attempt to hide her sob but I did not mind it. Her sister and I very similar, she must have missed her profoundly.

 _"You are English, yet you speak our tongue so well. Inge spoke some English, too"_ She whispered the last parts, her eyes focusing on the chimney. When her eyes focused on my face again they were red and teary. _"Forgive me. But you two look like twins,"_

 _"We do?"_ It was a rhetorical question and then we were silent for few more minutes. I helped Balder find few of his wooden toys to play and she sat there in peace to watch us. I was so confused I did not even think if she was being honest or not, if her being at this proximity with Baldet was safe or not. However, this was my only chance. I had to know the answer to the question that had been on my mind now. _"What happened to your sister?"_

_"She became sick. It was because of that man,"_

_"Thor?"_

_"No, Her husband, Jarl Svad,"_ She explained. _"He was a demon. He hurt her soul until her body became ill also. If anything Jarl Thor saved her from him,"_

_"Where Thor and her...Lovers?"_

To that she chuckled. _"Thor loved her like a brother loves a sister,"_ She said. _"My sister was a fierce warrior, not the woman who sits at home. She and Thor fought many battles together. How she met and married Svadilfari is long story. But she ran away from his village, still heavy with his son,"_ She pointed to Balder. _"Whom Thor claimed as his own. My sister died three months after his birth."_

_Oh any lord above_

  
Was this woman lying or I it was me who had made a poor story in my head and stuck to it the entire time? I thought Thor loved this woman and had a love child with her, yet for whatever reason she died. And that Jarl Svadilfari was just an angry rival. It was much more complicated than I previously thought.

Balder was not Thor's son.

Lokelani was Inge, a warrior, who was a friend of Thor's and married to his enemy?  
_He killed my bestfriend,_ Thor had said, he was honest. But if they were not lovers, why name me after her? Why name me after a friend and sleep with me? Thor's feelings for this woman had to be more complex than an honored friendship.  
  
_"How can I know you are not lying?"_

 _"Look at me. I do not have much life ahead of me. I have no reason to lie. All I had in this life was Inge and now her son. Gods have been kind to me, to let me see him in the end,"_ She coughed, covering her mouth with a muddy torn piece of cloth.

_"But why did she come here, why did she not go to her family? To you?"_

_"I told you It is a very long story,"_ She sounded hurt, the corner of her round eyes tightening at both ends. She was on the very edge of crying. _"....I just... Can I hold him? Once?"_

I nodded, handing Balder to her. She was careful enough to wrap a scarf over her mouth as she talked to him. She looked genuinely ecstatic to have him. It could not all be an act. But I had to wait until seeing Thor to question him. Until then a sick woman was not much trouble.

~~~~~

Thor was busy polishing his sword with a fine piece of blade that evening. He was sitting near the fireplace, observing the reflection of warm fire in the metal surface. I was also cleaning the few knives I had. I had been postponing the question in my head for too long but I had to ask him somehow. _"A woman came here today,"_ I informed him.

 _"What did their husband want this time?"_ He smirked.

_"She wanted to converse. Her name was Ylva,"_

Thor's face resembled a man who had been hit in the head with a huge stone. He did not say anything.

 _"I will be honest with you Thor. She said Balder is her nephew and many other things,"_ I said. _"Is it true?"_

 _"Where is she?"_ Thor asked, launching himself from the carpet. He looked hypnotized, searching the room for the cloak that was right in front of him.

 _"She left in the morning"_ I walked up to him to hold his arm, he was shaking. _"She is far away now, There is no use."_

Thor was utterly miserable in that moment. I just reached out to hold his hand, not knowing what else was safe now. He was quiet for few minutes before finally adressing me, _"So now you learnt he's not my son,"_

 _"He is your son!"_ I said firmly.

 _"The second he learns he is not of me, he'll demand to know why I stole him. He'll leave,"_ Thor said, letting the collar of his tunic loose. He poured himself some wine, then another and then came another. I couldn't stand there and watch him destroy the shreds of a reality for his comfort.

 _"Just because he is not of your blood doesn't mean he's not yours. You raised him. You cared for him when no one else did. Would his own father look after him, knowing of his disease? No! but you did!"_ I stood behind him, massaging his shoulders to comfort him.

_"Loki, you are being sentimental!"_

_"Am I? You were the one who saw his first steps, his first words! You are the one he sees and his face lights up with joy. He doesn't even know that man,"_ I said. When no reaction came forth, I realized words were beginning to affect him. I was getting to know him well after all. _"Ylva mentioned it was his fault that Lokelani died,"_ Thor tensed under my hands. I had to choose my next words very carefully. _"Balder is an intelligent child. He'll recognize justice and right. Who will you think he chooses? The man--"_ It would be a daring movie to hint anything regarding her death, I just had to stick to the 'good' father and 'bad' father scenario. _"--would he pick you or him?"_ I voiced out, tiptoeing until I faced him. _"It is an easy question,"_ I smiled kindly. His face softened, and even though he said nothing I had accomplished my wish, which was to learn the truth and calming him down.

~~~~~

The weather was still harsh but lot less cruel to me after I healed. I taught Balder the common practice of snow balls which was quite amusing for him when his father yielded under the force of my attacks. In both shooting with knives and arrows, I was getting precisely unbeatable at aiming. The teenagers who were teaching me to aim with knives had done a fantastic job and Thor was very pleased with my progress. He even asked me to join him on his next hunt.

 _"I don't want sif anywhere near Balder."_ I ordered Val, because ... well I was afraid of her.

_"She is staying in her cottage, no one has seen much of her,"_

_"Still I only want you and Frigga near him,"_

_"of course,"_

I hugged Balder a final time before heading away. Thor and I rode with a small group of his closest friends towards the west. We passed the woods and few mountains until we were in a bare land if frozen ground. We made a small camp with tons of furs, leathers and blankets inside our heavy tents. We were to stay only for two nights, until Ivar foresaw the next rush of snow.

I was rather anxious for I knew there weren't much animals wandering around in the open field in the middle of the winter. But Thor assured me there were many that made just decent amount of food to keep put bellies full for the rest of the cold season.

We achieved nothing on the first day and although I was glad to be on a hunt with the rest of warriors, I was concerned for Balder. He was safe in Val's hands but what if Sif would try to think of something? but no she was not that crazy. I doubted she could move much. Her child would be born in two months, she would not risk that much running and stress.

I thanked Thor as he gave me a roasted piece of pork. He sat next to me by the fire as one of the older men sang an old melody. Fandral was on the other side of the burning flames and when I smiled at him, he unbelievably returned it with a familiar kindness. To be accepted by my old friend placed me in an enthusiastic mood and I pressed my body to Thor. He wrapped his arms around me as the old man, I believe Skurge was his name continued with his tale.

It was a story about a man who had been shamed by his parents after he turned his back to gods and now he was a prisoner of the seas. It was a haunting story, especially in that very dark night. Skurge had a warm voice, And I could not do more than to lean back and listen to him.

"...His name forgotten as he sailed,  
of his home, his name, no words were said,  
On waves, on stones, on wild night storms,  
his tongue scarped, His fingers cut, day and night he sailed alone,

Shining poison on his deck,  
dared the creatures of sea, to come closer, oh come and see,  
For his bones are to be seen,  
his food wood and his own sour skin,

At nights he wailed at sky,  
for gods to lead him back to home,  
But a man such must lose all he owns,  
If he dares to find a new hope..."

I did not hear the rest much. My mind had wandered far far away. His poem was sad and remorseful. I felt agony for the man who was in this horrible situation; a boat constantly on the edge of flooding, a sea at drought, him eating off his own skin? At one point Skurge said his voice was stolen by the sea, that was why some nights we heard it growl.

That part had me shivering.

At the night I was incredibly cold so when Thor's warm embraced me, I did not resist him. In mere moments we were kissing like crazed animals as we groped at each other. I was giving it all I had. I asked Val what Lokelani meant and she said it means "a rose from heaven". My name meant trickster. They were very different. It all mattered not now. The fact that It was not Inge's name he put on me made me aroused beyond my care. I arched into Thor in the most wanton way, guiding his hands to knead my haunch and behind as I gripped his face. We did not have any oil so we just began to rut against each other's bodies. Thor helped me wrap my my legs around his hips and he circled our bare hips onto one another. The sensation was agonizingly too powerful. Thor could not suppress his moans and I heard few of our companions sigh loudly from the tent near ours. I giggled, muffling Thor's cries with my kisses but that didn't stop him either.

Afterwards we lay there sticky and laughing about how we destroyed others sleep. It felt... right, to be there with him in that moment. To be held by him and just feel his presence. The perception made my laughter falter into fear. I was falling in love with my captor and It was far beyond the point of saving myself. He kissed my forehead and hugged me as we slept and I fought myself no longer that night.

~~~~~

I haunted a white rabbit tomorrow but I found a small baby rabbit near his corpse. I immediately felt like a monster but again it was this or us starving. However, I decided to take the small one back to village to Balder. Thor was content with the idea so I made my very first souvenir. A year ago I had wanted to make a huge fortune and throw a bag of gold at my father's feet as a mocking souvenir. Despite Balder's guft being accidental, somehow this one felt better.

We haunted the entire morning and we rode back to Tyrstrond after lunch. We were almost there when I felt a twitch from the bushes near our road. My heartbeat raced and then there was someone's distant voice. Nobody from our group was talking but that was undoubtedly a human voice from afar.

I exchanged quick glances with them but none had seemed to notice. Few steps away I felt something fast and harsh move past my neck. I turned my head to see what it was when I heard a howl.

Spunning around to see the source of it, I only found Fandral's right thigh starting to turn red with an arrow right in the middle of a red stain. We locked eyes until another one came, hitting his horse in the neck.

"Go back," Thor yelled at me. _"Ivar take Loki away now, Ivar! "_

 _"No,Thor--"_ I cried out, but Ivar was already jumping on my horse and guiding her away. I struggled in his tight grip, but he cared naught. _"Let me go you dumb man! Thor!"_ he ignored me, guiding us until all I heard was the sound of wind in my head.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok quick note:  
> 1\. Mind the warning tags please.  
> 2.I do NOT know flowers. I googled "white flowers name" because honestly the only flower I know is rose 😓😓 But Loki knows them for some unknown reason

_"Release me! Ivar!"_ I gritted my teeth, tightening my hold on his waist to the point of pain.

 _"I deliver you to a safe place, that is my order."_ He said calmly, hitting the side of the horse with his boot to fasten its movements. I kept glancing back, looking for Thor and Fandral but after a while even their voices hid behind the woodland.

It was him. It was Lokelani's husband. He was finally here to finish his unattaineded business with Thor. But why was I stolen away from his sight each time? I could understand why Thor wanted Balder away from him, but me? What was he supposed to do? Kill me? Sacrifice me to the gods for I resemble her greatly?

It could be anything. But any of those possibilities silenced me so I hugged Ivar closely. He took me to a tiny cottage in a small island located on the west of Tyrströnd. He used a half destroyed ship that threatened to flood us each second. Once safe he guided us there. It was hidden well under the mass and bush of many trees. Even bare of leaves as they were, they concealed the house well. It was empty and ragged, smelling heavily of dust and fresh mud. There was not even a bee there, not a damn blanket. I would freeze there. I turned to Ivar to force a complaint but he was already at the door to go back.

 _"You can't leave me here!"_ I growled at him.  
_"I will freeze and starve!"_

_"I bring you food and something to keep you warm. Do not make fire, do not make a loud noise and for the love of your life do not leave this house,"_

And he banged the door behind himself.

~~~~~

  
The tiny cottage was reverberate with the constant noises of howls of wolves. I was terrified. I was completely alone. From where Ivar had floated us to the vacant island I could see It was small. It probably took about an hour or two to circle its shores on feet. But I had never been left isolated from humans this far. At that moment I wish i was still in my old bedroom hiding away from my father's ignorance. I loved Balder, Fandral and Val were loyal friends and god forgive me, I craved Thor's closeness more than any other but this was too much for me.

I sneezed, fumbling with the sleeves of my tunic and cloak, trying to keep myself warm. My friends were shaking, my fingers were numb already and drained of life. The cottage was almost empty. There was a bed, a table with two old chairs, and a fire place that lacked firewood.

When was the last time someone was even here?

I eventually fell asleep. It was already dark when I woke but the cold had me coming back to reality. I was also hungry and thirsty. I could not sit around any longer. I hesitantly left the tiny place. I sunk my hands into the snow and brought it to my mouth, greedily trying to quench my thirst.

 _"Loki! I told you to stay inside!"_ Ivar's voice brought me back to reality. He was drenched in blood and dirt. For a second I almost wanted to take a step back from him but he was carrying two sacs of food. Hunger had either sharpened my senses or I was hallucinating things. I ran to Ivar, but he was swift to guide me inside the house, his eyes searching the woods.

The minute the door was closed behind us, I reached for the food he had brought. I had not eaten since the morning. I took a huge bite of bread that I began to hiccup the second after it hit my throat. Ivar gave me his coat and some water. I ate in silence and he watched. I could barely make his face from the sheer darkness. _"What....happened? Can you tell me now?"_

_"We were assaulted,"_

_"Svadilfari,"_ I murmured. The food froze in my mouth.

Ivar nodded. _"We must stay in here,"_

I smirked in anger. Balder was in that village, Thor was in that damned village. That man had hurt Fandral and tried to kill Balder and myself few times. I was not staying in this place when they were in trouble _. "No,"_

_"What?"_

_"You heard me. I will not stay in here, I help you fight them,"_

_"Loki they already have the village. We lost."_ He whispered in agony. It was clear. He had _stolen_ the food in my mouth for me. He was scanning the whereabouts of the cottage to see if he was followed. He was here alone, that meant--" _Where are Balder and Thor? Are they fine? Ivar take me there!"_

He held my forearm, jaw tense as he repeated. _"They are both fine but I can not let you leave. Jarl would never forgive me,"_

 _"I'm just a slave for gods sake! What could he want from me?"_ I shouted, my temper gradually boiling more and more in anger. From where his eyes were down casted unto the ground I felt something was not entirely making sense here _. "He wants me, doesn't he?"_

His silence was a yes.

Just as Ylva, He had heard rumors about me. He was obsessed with his late wife and he just needed to see me for himself. Eventhough I had not seen him, I was scared at the thought of him getting his hands anywhere near me. I reviewed all my knowledge of Svadilfari again. He had killed Fandral's mother, had made his own wife suffer endless years of capture and apparently slaughtetered many innocent villagers.

I had to confront him of that was what it takes to end everyone's misery once and for all. I refused to countenance him winning without fighting me.

_"You will take me to that damned village Ivar or I will walk there!"_

He did not. Obviously. I was sentenced to enduring a week of solitude with him. Despite him always being on my side, we barely talked at all. In fact whenever I questioned him about anything of the Tyrströnd he dismissed himself. I believed he was being obtuse on purpose not to only to conceal information but to annoy me.

He didn't even allow me to leave the tiny cottage. I helped healing his wounds but during those delicate minutes was barely even paying attention to me. He was beyond self-indulgent at that point. With his thin lips so strictly kept in a straight line and his eyes focused on the horizon he did not even seem to acknowledging me as a person.

It was after eight days that our food ended. He ordered me to stay inside while he goes for a fishing. I promised him I'll behave but the second I could no longer see him from the coast I was stealing his fractured floating and sailing to Tyrstönd. I was not a coward.

~~~~~

The minute I set foot on the ground I realized the inevitable feeling of being trapped. I tucked the boat behind a cliff where the river that met the sea. I hid it under some dead plants. I felt guilty for my easy and gleeful escape from the island but Ivar had to learn that I was not one to be told what to do. He could survive there. That was a relief.

I floundered about the shallow waters at the end of river until my feet dragged me towards Fandral's stable. I could not visit the village nor the house. It would be a stupid move. Fandral was injured so I hoped he was either inside the house and alone or the house was empty. I hastily stood behind the western walls that hid me well from all sides. There were many trees there and compared to the open spaces on the front of the house they were safer. I placed my ears on the wood to see if I could hear anything. There was a murmur of conversation but It did not worry me. The voices were familiar. It was him and Val. I carefully approached the corner where the west side ended to check for a sign of any stranger or any unfamiliar horses.

None. Good. Then I quickly went back behind the trees and stood behind a window. The piece of cloth that covered it was thick but unlike Thor, Fandral had left his windows to be open in the winter. I hooked a reckless finger under a fold and swiped the curtain aside to get a glimpse of the inside. It was indeed Val, kneeling near a coughing Fandral to clean his wounds. She herself wasn't in a perfect condition but his state was far worse. two or three other cuts were on his side and from the way his arms were sprawled on his abdomen, one of his hands was missing.

I looked to other directions. There certainly wasn't any sight of a guest so I dared myself to step inside next. I walked to the door, pushed it open gradually and stepped inside. Val's head shot up, eyes wide at me as though I returned from the death.

 _"What happened to Ivar?"_ She quickly questioned.

_"Good to see you are alive, too."_

_"This is no game Loki. I told him to keep you there!"_

_"I ran away with his boat. And I will not leave unless you tell me what is going on!"_ I was filled with indignation. What had I wronged her except risking the danger of coming back? what was the matter with her?

_"Listen here you--"_

"Someone see you in way?" Fandral interrupted her without even opening his eyes.  
  
"I don't know. I did not see anyone."

He chuckled and rolled his head to the side. "Of course you didn't see them,"

And he was right. What an idiot I was. I had acted on complete naivety. If there was truly someone spying on Fandral's house, they wouldn't be dancing in his yard. My lips quivered, I exchanged a disappointing look of perception with Val before rushing towards the door.

I had not opened it completely when something hit my heaf and my vision went black.

~~~~~

I woke up to a comforting fire at my cold feet, a warm fur on my body and an odd feeling of life on my limp body. The reverberate of falling snow and rain outside did nothing but creating a weak voice. Where I was had nothing but warmth. Maybe it had all been a dream. I stretched my hand to feel Thor's body on my right but I found nothing. Maybe he had woken up early to spar with his warriors. I was on the verge of sleeping when I heard the door slowly opening.

I hummed with anticipation, turning towards him with a smile. He dropped his coat and-- This wasn't Thor. I jolted, pressing my back against the headboard and pulling the blanket with me. As if it would help.

"Good evening," Said the man with his back to me. I knew exactly who he was. But why was he talking in my language?

I wanted to demand him to let me know of my location but I knew where I was. This was Thor's room. He had changed the decoration and the bedding but I would know this bedroom anywhere.

 _"You speak in my language!"_ I said in awe.

"You are speaking in mine. It is only fair I return the favor," He turned around, smiling in an unsettling pukish way. His accent was thick but he spoke fluently. I took in his face; his muscled body and various markings that reached his chin. It had to be painful to have ink on his neck but from the fierce look in his eyes I doubted he cared for pain much. He was taller than Thor, but younger. There was no trace of wrinkles around his eyes and his beard was lighter than his hair yet.

Just as I was learning his face, he was also learning mine. He, however, didn't look like someone who was seeing something for the first time. His frown reported a sense of loss, like he was reuniting with someone he knew. He was not seeing me, he was seeing his wife.

He slowly reached for his pockets, taking out a few branches of little white flowers and placing them on the table. They were oddly familiar, I did not know their name for sure but I had seen them before. perhaps Heliotrope or underdeveloped Periwinkles? I guessed the first because my brother had plenty of those, for when wandering cats resigned inside our gardens. But for now, there were much more important things than flowers.

"I wish to leave,"

"Leave? We've only just met," He sat on the bed next to me. He reached for me and caressed my face. I struggled in his grip. I tried to spin my face but he suddenly held my jaw firm in his hands. "By the gods, you look like her," He whispered, more to himself. "I did not believe those rumors," He towered over me fisting his rough hands into my sculpt and gazing deep into my eyes. "Look into my eyes when I talk to you,"

"Let me go," I pressed my hands to his chest to push him. I was attempting to get a grip of my legs to hit him but soon he was pressing me down on the bedding and covering me with his body. I panicked. In a rush of thoughts I remembered my first time here, of Thor rutting aggressively between my legs. I quickly glanced down. He was not hard. He caught my eyes and chuckled. "I am not sick like him. Do not worry." He rolled his hips in a mockery of lovemaking. "Unless you liked it. Did you? Did you like it when he filled you with his manhood?" He pressed his lips to my cheek, his right hand strongly wrapped around both of my wrists. I could not move under his weight but I did not stop squirming. "I was told you were eager for it more than he was." His grip on my jaw was so ruthless my teeth were theatening to drop. I sobbed and shook my face. "You are not my Inge. You are just another disgusting slave," He spat on my cheek before rising. My body suddenly felt unbelievably numb. I slowly worked my legs together to sit straight up. He was observing me with both disgust and empathy. "I bring you my son. After all you could be used for one thing,"

~~~~~

 

Balder beamed heartily the minute he saw me. It made me cry. I held him to my chest, pressing kisses to his head. "Loka!" he exclaimed, but he didn't look like he'd missed me. He was a child, his concept of time was ill. But it mattered naught. I held him as he played with his toys and slept later.

When a maid came to bring him fruit juice, I stopped her. I had met her before, She worked in the kitchen. _"Please just tell me how Thor is, I beg of you,"_ She looked troubled. She tried to free her hand from my grasp. I did not want to seem violent so I let it slip from mine but I asked her once more.

 _"Alive,"_ She murmured. _Alive_. That word hit me more. If I'd heard he was dead I would not sink into such a deep desolation.

 _"Where?*_ She scurried, running to the door. _"Please?"_

_"The north of village possibly. I know not,"_

I did not see her again.

~~~~~

I was forced to bathe the morning after. A new maiden helped me so. She did not even spare a single glance at me. Only when I asked of the maid whom I saw yesterday she paused. Her fingers shook and I knew what happened to her without a single word. Next she combed my hair, moisterized my face and offered me a gown. I accepted it without a protest. I did not to get someone else killed.

Svadilfari came to me after. He was dressed in a much more presenting outfit. His once messy hair was braided elegantly all the way to the bottom. He could be handsome if he wasn't dripping with ferocity.

"What is your real name?"He asked me, a lascivious look in his eyes as he stared at me.

"I want to see him,"

"him?"

"Thor," I answered. "Please! I need to know where he is, how he is!"

Then he slapped me. I fell, hitting the ground with my hand covering my face. My cheek burnt. But most importantly it was my heart that was panicking. It was beating so rapidly I feared it would tear my ribcage apart.

Then I felt like I was hearing my own breathing but then I realized it was him who was exhaling loudly. He continued to exhale swiftly, hitting the wall with his leg every two seconds. I was scared. I was honest to any god shaking to bone. I should have listened to Ivar. I shouldn't have left the island.

"You never mention that name again in my presence," He kneeled behind me, tucking my hair until I wailed loud in pain. "Do you hear me?"

I swallowed. I was speechless.

"Do you hear me or not?" He repeated more forcefully with a knee pushing into my lumbar bones.

"Yes," I panted. "I do, I do, I do,"

"Good," He groaned, tucking at his garment and readjusting his look. I stood on trembling legs and fixed my hair. I was scared to even look up from the ground. I merely wished to live this day through.

He looked regretful for a second but then he returned to his cold incredulous impression. "Today we are holding a Hestavíg. I wish you to stand by me and hold my son for me. You do not have to smile. You just have to live until we figure out what to do with your condition,"

"My condition?"

"You are not pure," He said simply, raising his eyebrows as if it was the most obvious answer. "I saw the great Odin in my dream. He told me it takes nine young and pure youth who looked like her. They must be sacrificed to get her soul back to another body. I found eight already. You were my last one and he... he _lay_ with you." He spat the last part. "And I must wait for the lord to instruct me again. He'll tell me when the time comes. He always does."

And I blankly stood there. This man was mad. He was dangerous and sick; far worse than Thor meant to inform me. _I found eight already._  
  
Then I figured it out.

He was a lunatic who killed those who looked like his wife to.... get her soul back? Because he dreamt of it? Thor didn't want him seeing me for that. The--The white Heliotrope flowers on the table, they were also on Lokelani's grave! They were eight stones designed with them. That last one was fresh. It was fresh and he was there. He had killed the last poor soul lately. They must have been a reminder to him. He planted one on her grave for each person he killed to recall them. To know where he stood, to be aware of how far he was from his goal.

I was so confused I did not even have a clue what to do. So when he took my hand to guide me to the yard for the Hestavíg I did not even protest. I followed him, but my mind was not in my body.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! I'm sorry for the late-ish update blame it on college:(  
> BUT! This chapter is in Thor's POV! As you requested, I'm finally adding his story here too. We'll get to see glimpses of his life from before and after Loki. It's almost 6k words, bit longer than my usual chapters but I felt like he deserved it. Hope you enjoy :)  
> 

Once upon a time there was a little boy who was scared of the woods. He spent his days sitting across it while his older brother went for hunts and adventures there. He was much younger than him and he wasn't allowed to follow.

Then came this little girl; who seemed to fear nothing in this world. They boy could swear she was a Valkyrie. She took his forearm and dragged him there. "What are you afraid of? The wolves never come this close to the village,"

And then the woods became their safe heaven.

Inge was a youth of indomitable spirit. She was infatuated with learning new things. I owed her many of my knowledge and adventures. I taught her how to lift swords like a warrior and she taught me the path to the greatest sceneries that laid behind the mountains. She said she had all the time in the world to discover new places. "I never saw my parents. I guess that's more of a fortune for me than loss. I could go whereever I like," And how fascinated I was with every word that left her mouth. She was older than me for few years but she was much smaller. "Of course I look tiny. I had to eat tree leaves to survive."

"Really?"

"No. You are an idiot!"

And she greedily started to eat from my plate.

My growing fondness for Inge didn't go unnoticed. My father was against it. Of course he was; Inge was an orphan, her cut short hair smelled like pig stool and she wore nothing but ragged cotton twice her size. As the son of Jarl I could not be seen with someone like that.

"What if this friendship of yours turn into...more?" As we entered teenagehood, My mother often asked that question. But that made me laugh. Me, with Inge? How could anyone, ever think of Inge that way? I chuckled at my mother. "But she is shield sister to me,"

"I hope so,"

~~~~~

"You ride slower than old Nana!" Inge smirked, taking the hold of her horse as she slowed down. She had started working at Skurge's smith shop and was starting to look healthier. At least her bones were covered with more than just skin.

I kicked the side of my horse with my legs to stop it. Inge was few yards ahead of me and she was still making fun of my riding when suddenly her horse's hind legs nicked the side of rougher stones as the poor creature struggled to hold his balance. I could not see much but some animal must have suddenly crossed in her path. She took a hold of her horse's neck to shush its neighs.  
"What kind of lunatic are you?!" I heard her yelp, looking down to the ground. "Do you want to die jumping in front of my horse like that?"

"You crazy wench! Who let you ride a horse?" I heard another voice. Gods! Did she hit someone?

I jumped off my horse and walked to them. "Inge? Are you alright?"

"Wench is your mother!"She called back.

"Look what you've done! I wrenched my knees now I can't fight!"

"Someone should teach you how to walk. I can only imagine how you fight!"

"For Freyja's sake Inge stop!" I said, finally seeing the boy she'd hit. I knew him. He was the son of another Jarl, an important man from the north who was a friend of my father.

"Svadilfari, are you alright?" I kneed, running towards him to help him up. I only wished she hadn't hurt him.

And she had. But not as severe as he claimed so.

Svadilfari's leg was not broken and he was able to leave his bed in a matter of week. But If I thought this was relief, I was clearly mistaken. I found him chasing my friend and challenging her to battle with him as a poor form of apology she owned him. He was a stubborn young man and he didn't take no for an answer.

Inge ignored him at first but his ministrations were so frequent and persistent that she surrendered in the end. It was supposed to be a rough fight until one claimed defeat. I didn't like the sound of it. I knew my friend, she was way too proud to say 'I yield' and as for the Jarl's son...He had probably never said that word.

I asked my other friend Fandral to accompany us in case I needed force to separate them from each other. Fandral was very fond of Inge's spirit and sometimes I was jealous they could be better friends than we were. But I guessed he feared her somehow, he had the right to.

So the three of us we walked together behind Fandral's father's stable near the mountains. It was a safe place, locked behind the woods and far enough from the village to keep us undisturbed. On the way Fandral played with his words to try and convince Inge to act as an adult and just apologize. "But he will kill you,"

"No brat kills me,"

"I do not know if I should call you an stupid or brave,"

"That statement only proves I have become exactly what I wanted," she said smiling and there was something to that smile. For the first time I realized this was not about fighting. This was about _him_. She loved to be challenged, she adored excitements and Svad was giving her that. She was relishing their meeting. It didn't make me sad, it made me scared. I didn't like that boy. I didn't want her near him.

Minutes later Inge was shackled on the ground with his limbs, choking on her own blood as she refused to yield. Their fight had been fair and Inge did have the higher ground so far but then something happened that none of us expected. When she slipped on the back of her feet Svad kicked the side of her face with his ankles. I could not contain myself further. I roared with anger as I pushed him aside. He fell on his back, face red in anger. "That was not in the rules!"

"I make the rules," he replied calmly. "Plus she enjoyed that, did she not?"

Inge's eyes were shot tight as she was still coughing and writhing on her side. Fandral was helping her but I could see for the first time she was shaking with fear.

We did not see nor hear of Svad in years. Inge was quieter now. She had longer hair, long enough to cover the empty hole her right eye was in once. It was not curable and she was under great pain. It was not a surprise when she finally agreed to take it out of the socket completely. She had difficulty doing many physical activities in the beginning but Fandral and I never left her side. Her younger sister was also a great help.

She was still a great warrior but she rarely used her sarcasm with strangers anymore. I could see why. She was shameful. The burden of the household was on her much younger sister and it hurt her greatly. "I wanted her to live in comfort, you see? Unlike me,"

"You did all you could,"

"Did I? I could just say I'm sorry but look what my pride did to me! See? You can't even look at my face!" And she left me in despair. Perhaps I should've looked into her eye instead of the ground while she was talking.

~~~~~

I had no friends left in Tyrströnd. My brother had his first raid to England that summer and with him gone were Inge, Fandral and my new friend Ivar. I was not allowed. My father insisted it was a necessary caution; to at least have one of his children safe.

Even though I thought that decision coward, I was proven wrong when our torn floatings were spotted in the horizon. I ran to the shore on bare feet, searching the traumatized faces of warriors to find my brother. But when I heard a wail of pain from my mother just few steps ahead of me I knew I would not find him.

I was in agony for the next few days. I kicked the furniture and punched any object that was solid enough to hurt my knuckles. "It had to be me!" I yelled, falling onto my knees soon after and sitting in silence until my mind didn't hurt. I did not cry for my brother, but I shed tears each time I saw my mother stare into his empty seat at the dinner table.

My father removed his chair not a month after he was gone and not once he said his name ever since.

~~~~~

I was twenty five and still had no wife. It was still expected of me, yet I cared naught. Inge often teased me about it. "If you like your own manhood more than any maiden, Perhaps we should find you something quite like it. A tiny dead tree?" I laughed. I was glad that she was back to her normal free spirit self but there were things that still haunted us. We had lost Fandral on our last raid to England and we were both suffering from his loss. He was always a soft spot in the complex relationship Inge and I had. But there was little chance of him being alive.

Inge was living in Fandral's house now. She was better with animals than she was in shaping iron. She also constructed his old stable all by herself before the winter. I spent most of my time with her lately. We took care of her pigs, we trained together and we talked about out our thoughts and later, battle strategies.

In fact the entire village believed us to be lovers and not many were now opposed to it. But then again, she was always a sister to me. The rumors of us being lovers was making me quite irritated, so Inge and I did something to make it stop all together. She sent me to the village's brothel and made sure to do it in a time that many people saw me. "Have fun for a night and do save my reputation. I'm tired of telling people to fuck off each time I'm asked about children."

And I listened to her. I walked around the brothel until someone caught my eyes and I spent the entire night with them. In the morning fear consumed my veins.

"So....it was a man?" She wiggled her eyebrows.

Face flushed I rolled my eyes. "You do enjoy teasing me about it? Yes he was a man!"

"I'm not teasing. It's just if Fandral was here he would lose the bet. I was always right!"

"What?"

"What? You always enjoyed weapons with long thick handles!"

"You heartless witch!" And I ran after her. We had quite a laugh that day.

~~~~~

That same summer svadilfari came to our village again. His purpose was clear, he wanted to take over our village after the news of my father's sickness was spread in the country. We fought him, and we fought with all that was left in us but many of warriors were old and out of practice.

After he had won, he beheaded my father right before my eyes. I cried out, I fell onto my knees in front of him and begged him in earnest to let that old man live. He was as expresionless as always. I watched my mother cry until she fainted, and even then I was aware her grief was not sated.  
  
He claimed he wanted his new land to be his with more than just blood of the dead. He wanted a union, he wanted a child with a woman of our village. Rage filled me as he one by one observed our woman. He smirked at Inge's face, running his gloved hand on the side of he face. But he had planned his next words, fot years maybe. "I want your beautiful sister,"

Inge had screamed at him, clawed at his body and cursed him in front of all village. Svad did not stop her from doing any of those. He only took Ylva's forearm and dragged her along behind him. She struggled in his tight grip. She cried for her sister and I, asking us to do _anything_. I was to weak and hurt to stand on my feet but--

"Stop!" Inge yelled. "Stop please!"

"Why? Is there anything you want to offer for your sister's safety?" He asked, although he seemed to know exactly why.

I looked at Inge's face. At her lost eyeball and at the way she was at battle with herself. She fisted her hands then smiled at me. I became aware of her intention, no no no..she could not!

"Let go of her and I will wed you, willingly,"

Less than two days after, I was placing the hands of my dearest into the hands of her abuser. I wanted to kill him, I wanted to strangle him and feel life exit his body beneath my fingers. But he was clever. He had my mother and Ylva hidden somewhere and one wrong move could end their lives.

I watched as he kissed her reluctant bruised lips and celebrated what was going to be the start of a slow painful death for my best friend.

I held her impossibly tight after the wedding. I kissed her forehead more times than I recall and told her it will be alright. I told her I'll save her. She was not crying, "At least Ylva is coming with me. I know he'll use her against me and it's selfish of me but I just don't wish to be alone. "

"You can still stop this,"

"And watch you all die? I did this for our village. It was my first home as it will be my last,"

"I will save you,"

"No. Live instead of me too. I doubt I could,"

she said before she was pulled away to her horse.

"Inge! I save you!"

I did not see her for a long time.

She just smiled at me, but that was worse than thousand tears.

~~~~~

During the time my friends were lost and suffering I had grown incredibly belligerent.  
Obe night, I killed every last warrior Svadilfari had left in Tyrströnd and I cried as I watched their blood dry on the back of my hands.

I grew numb after that night. I raided and raided and violently killed anyone who dared to stand against me. Then I met Volstagg Hagenson, a friend of Harald fairhair in one of our raids to the west. Harald was a man of great ambition, He wanted to unite the country. My life had grown repetitive and aimless so when he invited me to join him I did not refuse.

I did fight with passion in the first but when I heard Kjotve the Rich, Haral's greatest enemy was close friends with Svadilfari I fought with all I had. I slayed their men with a brutality I did not know I even had. My hands ached after each battle until my shoulders couldn't lift the weight of my sword and even then I did not stop. I pierced their chests with my knives, I carved their heads with arrow after arrow until the war was over. Harald was named the king but it did not satisfy me.

Many Jarls were killed in that battle but Svadilfari wasn't one. He had pledged loyalty to Harald and saved his worthless life. I humbly asked the king to reconsider his decision but he was insistent Svad alive would benefit him more than him dead. "He's an influential man,"

He was a dead man. Maybe not now but soon.

~~~~~

Volstagg brought Fandral back a while after the battle. Fandral had also changed; no longer a mischievous smile was plastered on his youthful face. He had also cut his hair short and he wore English tunics. The first thing he asked for when he left the ship was his mother and Inge.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"What do you mean?" he chuckled.

"We were assaulted when you were away. We all lost people we loved; family, friends. We lost your mother, the former Jarl and many others,"

Fandral's reaction was what I expected. He spent days in solitude. He did not leave his house once in a week until I saw him one day by the beach, throwing tiny rocks in the ocean. "What about her, do I not deserve to be greeted after three years of departure? She fixes my stable but doesn't say hello?"

"Inge is married,"

To that I saw his laughter after days. "Your sense of humor has improved,"

"I am not in mood for humor,"

"What, who the hell did she marry to? You?"

"Jarl Svad," I whispered, saying his name for the first time after years. Fandral didn't believe me but once I explained to him of what I've been through, I saw how his eyebrows arched and noticed how my own shoulders fell. It felt like for the first time I was not carrying the heavy burden of shame and anger alone. Fandral hugged me afterwards, promising we'll both save our friend.

~~~~~

 

Once again we couldn't be more wrong. Inge saved herself before we could plan anything. It was a stormy night, thunder wailing and wind crashing the mountains as I heard a furious knocking upon my door. I expected it to a lonely child asking for help but what I saw struck me with shock. I was frozen in place, gazing at the familiar face upon my door. She did the same for few seconds before bursting into a sob and then crying in earnest. I had never seen Inge sobbing and here she was, clutching at my shoulders as she cried loudly. I didn't try to calm her. She needed to do relive herself and so I only held her.

I took Inge to my own bedroom. I helped her undress from her wet clothes. She didn't stop me. Her husband's insidious tortures during years had made her eyes empty. She had not even said a word. I took off her coat and noticed her round belly.

Inge was with child. "Is it..." but i didn't finish. Of course it was his. Who would dare touch her but her twisted husband?

"Ylva ran," She said something for the first time. Her voice sounded hoarse. "And I escaped that monster the second I could," She said. "I couldn't ride. I had..." She whimpered. "I had to pay all I had to a random carriage. I should have ridden. I wanted to ride. I wanted to kill _it_ , to be rid of anything that reminded me of him but I couldn't. I couldn't Thor. What is happening to me?" And the crying Inge was taking over again.

"Hush now," I kissed her forehead. "Sleep now. You must be tired,"  
  
She didn't fight me when I laid next to her. But she didn't touch me either.

It was a relief that nobody came after Inge. I was now too strong for Svad and his petty warriors. I sheltered my best friend, I made her feel safe. I promised to find her sister and I not once I left her side.

Inge had grown sick. The droshky ride in the rain had given her a terrible fever and her pregnancy did not make it easier for her. Her child was taking all of her energy and her weak figure was fighting only to live, not to heal. So when the childbirth came, I had little hope of her surviving it.

I paced around behind her door endured her screams of pain. The minute her son was born, she asked for Fandral and I. We sat by her bed, me holding tightly to her sweaty hands. Her hair was damp and splayed across the pillow, her face and neck red and her legs were lifeless under the light blanket. She was holding her son against her neck and he resembled her more than her husband. I was glad for that.

"That look on your faces," She teased with her lifeless breath. "You are happy he looks like me more than him,"

"Aye,"

"Yes," I didn't deny. Her smile was genuine as she regarded her son and then me with her one emerald eye. "You are so beautiful, now more than ever," I said.

"I wanted it to be you" She said to me.

Fandral looked elsewhere from us.

"Inge..."

"No," She quickly interrupted me. "I will not be called that anymore,"

"What do you mean?"

"I prayed Lord Odin day after day to save me, to kill that beast. He didn't. Then I prayed Freyja, to save my body from him. She didn't. Then I prayed Loki," She paused. "The god I was learnt to hate. He was the only god left. I asked him to rescue my sister, I besought him to see you and Fandral one last time. Tomorrow morning Ylva had run and I was riding south, to you."

I nodded. Each word that left her carried a part of her energy that she should have kept inside.

"Alright, you must rest now," Fandral stated.

"Let me finish," She punched his hand lightly. Her hands looked unbelievably fragile. I was afraid they fall from her forearms. "He was merciful to me. Loki is not evil to me, he is the promise of a bright future, of what will give me hope for a new start. It gave me hope, I will also give it to you. I wish to be named after him,"

"Lokelani?" Fandral suggested.

"Lokelani," She repeated, smiling at the sound of it. "That is it then. Lokelani of Tyrströnd,"

And she fell asleep kissing her son's forehead.

~~~~~

It was cold spring day that she left us. She died in her sleep, peaceful by the window, looking at the mountain she loved the most. She lived with Fandral in her last days. That was what she wanted. Her son Balder did not stop vomiting and he cried the entire nights. Inge-- _Lokekani_ could not stand it lately.

She didn't want to burnt floating on the sea, she wanted a proper grave; so we took her body to Ubsola. We buried her underneath a spruce tree on the crest of one of the temples. It was tough saying goodbye. She had always been... _there_. Even when we were fighting on different battlefields, even when she was married and away, Her existence gave me a sense of reassurance but now, with her gone for good even breathing seemed tougher. I caressed the tree she was buried under. "I live instead us both now. Just as you wanted,"

I was told few days after burying her, Svadilfari had placed a branch of flowers beside her grave stone.

~~~~~

I lived without any huge calamity for the next few months. It did not mean horrible incidents did not happen; quite the opposite. They did, more often than before. It was just that I wasn't a victim anymore. How could I be? The harsh had already destroyed the very best of me. I had lost friends, family and a part of myself in the process of becoming the Jarl I was. People respected me as I was before them but behind closed doors I was the subject of their pity. I did not even care.

They very worst thing I became aware of was unsurprisingly related to Svafilfari. He had taken likely to murder unmarried and innocent young men and women who manifested any resemblance to well...Lokelani. I had no proof of the murderes being done him but I did know it was him deep in my heart.

So I couldn't resist buying the slave Volstagg had recently brought from England. He was pleasant to eye. Underneath all that mud it was difficult to see his face but his hair and eyes were enough if Svadilfari saw him. I quickly bought him, ordered my maids to attend to him and then sending him to me. I wanted to see if he did look like Lokelani or if I was actually hypnotized by the fog. If not, I would give him to Fandral. He'd need a hand when the winter arrives.

I came home after training few younglings. I expected him but I was never prepared for what I saw. He _was_ my Inge. He was her, his features were bit sharper, he was slightly taller and he still had his right eye but I had to control myself not to call him with her name. I realized instantly that there was _no_ _way_ Svad wouldn't hear about him. He may have not come for Lokelani but he will come for one who looked exactly like her. Some of his targets were from _Denmark_ , how could he possibly contain himself and resist the one so near?

I... didn't want to do that but I was left with no choice. I was certain this young man will hate me for what I was about to do next but I was doing him a favor. He would be of no use to Svad when he was no longer untouched. I went for the easiest way to do the deed, one with least of damage. I pinned him against the wall and I rutted against him. It was difficult to do so in the beginning but I found immense relief after I was finished. Then I remembered I had not lain with anyone in _years_. When I came to myself, I was breathing his scent, it was so different from her. It was intoxicating. I nuzzled my face more and more into his neck, my hands were clutching to his flanks, my groin was still flexed against his backside and I didn't want to move.

I introduced myself and asked for his name but he was staring at me blankly. He was clutching weirdly to his shirt and for the first time I saw his face and the more I saw him, the less I saw her. He was not my dead friend, he was someone else. "Thor," I tapped my chest. Then I delicately caressed his face, It was incredibly soft...To the gods above he was beautiful.

"Henry," He whispered.

I tried to murmur it for myself but I couldn't pronounce it. I needed it to be something that I can at least say. I regarded his face again. He was not a memorial of the past. He was the promise of a bright future, of what will give me hope for a new start. "No, You are Loki,"

I promised myself not to touch him again but I couldn't stop _my eyes_. They fell on his body every other second. I had breakfast with him the next morning and just getting a glimpse of his nakedness from his collar was enough to harden me. I felt this ache in my stomach, the inhuman desire to lie above him. I gave him a loaf of bread and asked him to feed it to me. I felt like I was someone else; like I was out of my own body. He ate a tiny mount himself and the way he licked his lips after the final bite was enough for me. I pushes the table aside, kneeling nude between his knees.

He said something, I did not understand.I was bewitched. I could not take my eyes away from him. My hands travelled up his thighs, his hips and under his tunic to feel his waist. I grunted, giving into my lust and pulling him to me.

He kicked me in the side! I often enjoyed spirit in people but not when they were painful. I winced, falling to my side as he made a run to the door. I could get him, slamming him against the door in my own agony and locked my hands around his neck. "I'm trying to be nice! What's your problem?"

He babbled something. I didn't understand a single word from what he was saying. Then it was there once more, his scent. It was like the fresh morning ocean. I went to his neck, mouthing there, tasting and kissing it like I could never get enough. I had to stop. What was I doing? My manhood was stiff again but it was my frustration that caused me to kiss him. I assaulted his mouth with all the shame that was filling me. I groped him, grinding against his body as my hands felt any piece of skin I could. I wanted him. I wanted him in all ways.

_What am I doing?_

I was becoming just like Svad. Assaulting someone unwilling? I let go of him. "Go," I said in my poor English as I walked to the bed. I hated myself that moment.

~~~~~

"Henwi," I said in front of my mirror. Why his name had to be so difficult? I had even given him a better name anyways. ugh. "Heiwia?"

And that was it. I gave up. I gave Loki his own room. I didn't want to be like Svad. I was better than him.

or at least I thought he was.

That night at the dinner table as I was explaining the new plans for our spring raids to my closets warriors when a hand gingerly grabbed my thigh. It was his. My reaction was instant. I stilled and I swear there was a tiny smile on his face.

He wanted something from me. He wanted me not to invade Wessex. I wanted to refuse him, I wanted to tell him no but as I thrusted inside his body, I found I couldn't. He could ask me to kill King Harald himself and I would have a hard time saying no.

Not long after, Loki quite swiftly became best friends with Balder, Lokelani's son. He was able to heal the poor child and I was immensely grateful. I was so attracted to him I did not even remember Lokelani when we were together. I could only stare and ask to the gods what have I done to have the pleasure of seeing him.

I lay with him each night, captured by the look on his face as I made love to him. Every one of his expressions were so enticing I often reached my edge just from looking at his face.

It was hard admitting it but I was falling in love.

~~~~~

Svad came for him. Twice. Once a peaceful morning in which my friend Fandral saved him and once in Ubsola. There were eight branches of flowers now. Eight deaths. I did my best to hide Loki from him. I loved him too dearly. I could not bare to lose him too.

but losing him didn't only mean his life; it meant much more. When we returned to Tyrströnd there was a woman claiming to have my child. It was absurd. Even the night I had escaped to the brothel I did not remember sleeping with her. I had few drinks and in the morning when I woke up in one of their rooms, I was alone.

I recalled her face, I recalled her voice, I recalled a rutting but I was not certain it was with her. But I was a Jarl, I had to be responsible for my actions. I had to take care of her at least until her child was born.

Loki was not happy about the news. He didn't necessarily say anything but his eyes were answer enough for me. We had a discussion, a loud one and it ended in even a louder love making. He rode me on the cold hard floor by the fireplace, moaning obscenely as he lost himself in it. I couldn't do more than stare with my mouth wide open as he worked himself on me. He was far too eager. I sat up, holding him as I also thrust up into him, making him almost sob in pleasure. He spilled, without even needing to be touched and kissed me for what seemed like to be hours after.

Maybe, Maybe he felt something for me too.

~~~~~

After being months away from home, I returned from my final battle lost and injured. Sif, the woman who carried my child had attempted to kill my Loki. I sent her away but the real danger was not her.

Svad came for us.

He surprised us on a winter hunt, he mercilessly burned many houses in the village and locked me away in Lokelani's old house. His face, more wicked than ever loomed over mine as my hands were tightly fisted behind my back. "You loved my wife so much to fuck someone who looked like her? And you call _me_ a monster?"

"She was like my sister,"

"Liar!" He punched me in the face. "You wanted her but I had her! You were jealous! And all you get is to see the junk she lived in before I took her away!"

"She hated you," I said brokenly. " She hated you and you knew it,"

"She loved me!" He yelled, slamming the door behind himself as he sentenced me to solitude. I did not care for the pain in my sides, nor for the soreness in my legs. I only wished Balder and Loki were safe.

He was not human enough to show mercy to Fandral. He had cut one his hands as my friend tried to fight him. It was a stupid move; Fandral was already bleeding from the scar on his thigh. He could not walk properly but then again, He was always more sentimental and dramatic than I was.

Then nothing happened for days. I was glad. Loki seemed to actually listen to Ivar which was a surprise. He wasn't exactly _obedient_. I was just thanking the gods when Svad cheerfully entered the room.  
"Hello old friend,"

"Leave me in peace,"

"I will but first you must know of my latest company. I was too excited to postpone the news,"

My blood ran cold. _Loki_

"Please leave him be," I asked. "You hate me! Then hurt me!"

He grinned, a scar on the corner of his eyes pulling the wrinkles downwards. He looked scary. "We'll arrive at that, don't worry." He promised. "But my my, He does look like her, doesn't he? But they are different in so many ways, do you know how I figured it out?"

I shook my head. I didn't want him to talk about Loki. I couldn't tolerate it.

"I asked him if he enjoyed being used and how he moaned under me--"

"You bastard!" I didn't even care for the piercing pain in my legs, I launched myself at him, caging him with my entire weight as he struggled underneath me. Thanks to my fisted hands, he could quickly save himself but we both knew in a fair match, he didn't stand a chance against me. But I cared naught for proving myself. I only desired to save Loki. The thought of this animal touching him had washed reason from my head. "I kill you!" I threatened him, trying to get a higher ground but my legs were too damaged. "You coward! release me and fight me like a warrior!"

"You stole my wife. You stole my child," He muttered, kneeling before my lifeless body to take my face in his hands. "You think your whore would survive? That he was the last one to look like Inge? There will be others and I will find them soon. And then we'll be a family again. Then I kill you. slowly and painfully,"

"You are a mad man!"

"And you are not? You are no better than I am!" He smiled. "I will see you at the Hestavíg today, Thor. Rest well. Your precious Loki is also there, you want to look good for him, eh?"

 


	14. Chapter 14

 

I did not see Thor at the Hestavíg. I saw Lady Frigga, broken and grieving by the flames of the young fire. We locked eyes, and within our eyes I found the same fear and concern. Where was his son, where was my lover? For he truly was. I was quite finished with tricking myself. I loved Thor. I could see now why he bought me. I could see now why he touched me so briefly at our first night. All he wanted to do was to save me. He could have raped me; yet he just finished and let me go. It was me who started it. It was me who touched him after that brief incident. It was all me.

I could not sit somewhere and wait until Svadilfari figures out what to do with my "condition" and then kill me. I had to know where Thor was but asking someone could mean their job, or worse, their life. 

I pressed Balder more boldly to my chest as Svad took a seat in the new little throne that was added in the bay. It was just one, and it was built majestically in the little time he had. Sword and arrow atop each other shaped an angular throne adornes with fresh blood and Gold dust. what was this ceremony for? 

 _"Behave yourself,"_ Svad ordered. a thick accent added to his voice. Why he didn't want to be seen speaking English I do not know. Maybe he thought people will see him less valuable? These people already hated him.They were not quite _fond_ of me also, but if anything I had not invaded their home and burnt half the village.

I nodded, too confused to disobey him. My cheek was still burning from the force of his slap. Eventhough the snow and cold had numbed me quite somehow, the pain was planted beneath my skin. I felt like there was a gulp right in my throat that if I voiced it out, I would vomit blood. 

Balder was asleep, his tiny chest rising and falling and the heat of his breath warming up my neck. I smiled down at him, he was still the purest snowflake. Svad was watching me when I lifted my eyes. The frown in his face tacitly stating his inner conflict. _Should I kill this scum or not_? was the question. The answer I did not know.

 _"People of Tyrströnd,"_ He said. " _I knew old Jarl Frode. They called him Odintrygve for a reason. He was truly trustworthy as Odin allfather but your Jarl Thor is not! When I took this village, I showed him mercy and spared him his life. Yet he tried to kill me twice, even seduced my wife! Today--"_

 _"How many... more lies you wish to tell?_ " to my surprise it was Fandral. I felt little pride in seeing him there but I was more worried. His condition hadn't improved in slightest. He was still bruised and purple. What once was his left hand was now a bloody scarf on a wrist and his other was holding onto a cane that barely reached his waist. 

Val was standing behind him, doing the absolute minimum to stop him from risking his life.

 _"You killed more people here than hel! How dare you play the role of savior?"_  He spat in Svad's direction, stumbling on his feet. Svad only watched him in pure amusement. Fandral now was only a brief delectation before the main event. Once Fandral's state won againat his carried away courage, Svad ordered his guards to take him away. With his legs twitching Fandral sprun them but when Frigga decided to help him, he accepted it.

I wanted to run to him, to hold his arm as Frigga was doing. Yet perhaps me raising a voice against him wasn't as amusing as a weak man doing so. He also suppressed any farther action from me with a single glare. I stood where I was, waiting for the damned ceremony to be over. 

Two horses were brought forth from the paddock near the weaving house , one golden and lithe and the other silver and-- It was _Thor's_ ; Mjolnir. 

"What are you doing?" 

He ignored me. He was proudly watching the poor demonstration as his soldiers were taking the two poor creatures into the newly built arena. From the otherside, the smith of village, an elderly man brought forth two sticks of molten iron whips that were burning scarlet on the top. I could see the reluctance in his steps. Like the rest of us he had no alternative choice. The soldiers had already forced the two horses to stand with their necks entangled. At that angle they couldn't properly see. Why would they do such?

Then they took the whips from him, and so slowly, almost crawled behind each as they branded their sides with the glowing metal. They both neighed. Despite them struggling to untangle themselves from one another, they couldn't make a progress with the new ejected pain. They also couldn't _see_ who did this to them, they would blame the one who was sustaining them; the other horse. The soldiers quickly evacuated the ring.  The horses finally freed themselves. They looked wild now. 

They launched at each other in mere seconds. Mjolnir dodged a kick from the golden horse. He hissed in pain, prancing to kick the other in the side. The fight was furious. Angered animals did fight with rules and morality to hold them back. In just few minutes there was an abhorrent show of blood pouring on the pristine snow and the mud beneath it. 

The cheers from soldiers, the cries of younglings and the wails of two horses soon had Balder's dream disturbed. He buried his face into my biceps as he tried to sleep again. "Hush," I said, maneuvering him to make sure he did not see a second of the display before us. Horses were his favorite animals and he did know Mjolnir. I didn't want to scare him. 

 _"Who do you think will win?"_ Svad asked me, the saccade of his eyes now bright with pride as his horse delivered a hoof on Mjolinir's burnt side. _"My ülf or his weakling?"_

_"I only see one weakling here,"_

He laughed, so loud and clear that it frightened me to the core. Somehow I would have liked it better if i'd made him frenized. He was about to answer yet his reply died when we witnessed Mjolnir pelting down. Svad's horse hailed in victory and with the final move he smashed poor horse's brain. 

The scene had me wanting to shut my eyes with inhuman force but I kept them open. I kept them open even as Mjolnir's skull was assaulted again and again. I knew Svad was eying me from the corner. I wanted him to see his actions were ridiculous as children's play. I wanted him to understand i was not affected. 

_"Bring her!"_

Evidently the show wasn't over.

Escorted with northern warriors, I saw a trembling body belonging to someone I knew. Her hair a mess of dirt and oil plastered to her face and skull. Her skin pale akin had attenuated into a lighter shade than the snow around us. 

 _"My wife's sister,"_ He announced, standing as he circled her like a predator does to a pray. _"Whom I loved like my very own sister_ ,"

 _"You are incapable of love_!" Although her body couldn't handle the cold in so little layers of clothing, she spat at his feet and began to cough violently.

_"She also has her spirit!"_

_"What do you want from her?"_ a man from the crowd asked him. I knew him, he was a sailor. _"That poor girl has all but hurt a fly in her life!"_

 _"He is right! She's innocent!"_ A shield maiden defended him. 

 _"How can you face the gods while punishing her? She is sick! Look at her!_ " someone also backed him.

For some unknown reason, perhaps a long lost sense of belonging that was eventually blooming out of me, I felt proud at those people. 

Svad only smiled at them. _"I will not kill her of revenge, nor of ferocity. I am in no need for such forlorn cry for attention. I will end this girl's life out of pity-- "  
_

It was not of pity. It was not of pity at all. She looked liked me.  She looked like Lokelani. She had always been sick, innocent, _pure_.

 _"You are a superstitious idiot!"_ Ylva laughed. _"Kill thousands like me. In no life will you see my sister now! I pray lord Odin to cure you for none but him can!"_

The murmur was growing rapidly, causing Svad to get distressed. His recent peaceful expression was replaced with an alarming look. He distanced himself from her.

_"You will die tomorrow first thing in the morning. Guards! Take her!"_

~~~~~

  
   
"Did you see that? Did you?" He infriously interrogated me as we ate in Thor's private chamber. "She is so ungrateful!" 

"Ungrateful? Should she be grateful because you announced to kill her?" 

"She called me an idiot!" 

"She called you superstitious; which you are," 

For a second I thought I had crossed the line so I was relieved when he grinned. "I love England," he suddenly stated out of nowhere. "I love the habits of your people. I love your bold answers," 

"I suppose you had many," 

"From your girls yes. But I have not been intrigued by a man without anger before you," He said, reaching to press my hand on the table. "You are very toxic,"

"Toxic?"  

"You can seduce men around you to desire you in ways one should only desire women," There was something in his voice I couldn't place. It was not the shaming of preachers. It was longing, even a hint of lust. I didn't know what to say. "My wife called me an idiot, the first times we met. She loved me then," He said.

"Before you hurt her?" 

"I only wanted her to love me," 

I wanted to be as merciless and mean to him as I could but as his sad eyes darted away from me to the ground and then his feet carried him away from the table, I decided against my intention. This was my chance. I looked at the table, there was a knife there. Good. It wasn't as sharp as the one Thor had gifted me. That one was probably taken away from me from when I was hit in Fandral's cottage. But it would do. If it was sharp enough to cut through the pork, it could cut through skin.

I hid it underneath my sleeve and my timing couldn't be more perfect. The maids were marching in a second later, taking away the left-overs. If any of them noticed the lack of the object, they didn't voice anything. 

 _"Come over here,"_ he ordered me, again in no English.

I had to play my role. I wanted to kill this man. I knew it would not be easy. I knew he'd fight back. I just had to find a way --anyway-- to deceive everyone. I had few dishes left to make the presentation complete. I made a show of tossing aside my robe and letting my hair down, gesturing  the maid to leave the wine and ... oils be. I was going to hate myself after this but it was worth it. 

From the way they were exchanging looks I figured they must have guessed tonight I shall warm their master's bed. 

Once they were outside, I gathered myself to walk up to him. His hunched shoulder tensed but he didn't spin around. _You can seduce men around you to desire you in ways one should only desire women_

I had to save everyone from this man. His false definition of love had caused already far too many lives to suffer. "What is your idea of love?" I asked softly.

"Does it matter?"

"It does. You must have a perception of what you want the gods to give you," I caressed his shoulder. "You can enjoy a wish you if you want a wish. Otherwise it is only fate," 

"You are incisive just as her, yet strangely smarter than her," He breathed, his voice low. He leant into my touch. How easy.

I wanted to say she must have been so apathetic to reject his love but Lokelani to him was a sensitive object. Instead, "Do my manners please you?" I whispered into his ear.

His jaw clenched, he swallowed and nodded. Good, I almost had him. 

"But it is nor for my manners that I i'm here,"

"No it is not,"

I splayed my left palm across his middle crawling it towards his groin. He wasn't refusing me yet. I felt his bulge and as I predicted he was interested. I palmed him once, twice until the tension left his body. His other reached behind to touch me. 

I did not hesitate. I let the knife fall into my palm and pushed it straightly into his side. He cried out, stepping away from me in disbelief that he was tricked so easily. He felt for the handle of knife, letting out a soft "ah" as he touched it. 

People would think his grunts for different reason so I knew we would not disturbed. but I had to _finish_ him soon before he could make any suspicious sounds. I moved to kick him with my leg. Before I could, He tackled me as swift as the sun sets in the finals seconds of evening. He moved atop of me, still laughing as he pinned me to the ground. "You are just as stupid as her," He stated. 

His vice grip now on my throat tightened. I began to kick him with my knee on either of his sides but it wasn't working. I felt my eyes threaten to pop out of my skull as he pressed me more and more to the ground. I did what came to me. From trying to untangle his hold from around my neck I went for the knife to his side. 

He quickly realized my intention and focused his attention on my hand. I breathed as soon as my throat was released and it was a reflex that my knee hit his manhood. It was fortunate whatsoever. I used his momentary lapse of balance to switch our position. My weight atop him along with his own caused  the knife to penetrate his abdominal wall all the way to the inside. He wanted to scream but I covered his mouth.

 _"My lord?"_ Someone at the door questioned. 

I did what I could, momentarily releasing his mouth for a short grunt. In union with it, I moaned in the most exaggerated way possible. Whatever concern there was about the noises, it was gone now. 

Then I went for the final scene. I strangled him. I pushed my fingers so hard into his neck I could see as the blood turned into a deep violet around it. I felt how his arteries fought for life.

He scratched my hands with his nails until my skin broke. I didn't stop. I pushed my thumb so hard info the hollow of his throat that a burst of blood hit my eyes and I closed them.

When I opened them his look was telling me he knew was no use in fighting anymore. I saw the exact moment his eyebrows arched in disbelief and the one all contractions in his features faded.   

He was dead _._

I had killed someone.

No. I had killed a monster.

I gingerly stroked his cheek. No response. I slapped him very softly across both sides. No response. I placed a finger against his nose. Nothing. 

Svad was _dead._

Before anyone could discover me, I made a run to the door. Svad loved having few extra guards. Luckily he didn't allow them inside the house. The maids had also left us after my great performance. I ran to the kitchen to use whatever water it was there to wash my hands. I was trembling, my breath was louder than my footsteps I feared even people on the other side of village might hear me. I could see Svad's face in front of my eyes each second-in-between. I washed my hands with recklessness but in my mental instability in that moment I forgot my face. 

I had to take Balder and run. But how? I knew there was a maid in his room and she would scream the second she saw me. Then guards would take me and bring me to Svad and realize I had killed him. No. Nobody would hurt Balder until the morning. Or as long as they still thought Svad was alive. I had to get Thor.

On my way to the stable, I heard a distant cough. _Ylva_. I couldn't leave her. Huffing of anger or impatience I know not I ran to the stables. She was sprawled near a baby horse, covered with nothing. She was violently shaking with cold. I was also wearing nothing on my thin night gown but I couldn't feel anything except the rush of blood to my muscles giving me the power to just fleet away. 

When I approached her, I noticed she wasn't sleeping. How could she. These were supposed to be her final hours. 

 _"...Loki?!"_ she questioned. " _What are you doing here?"_

Then I really was definitely louder than I wanted.

_"Where are your guards?"_

_"It's too cold outside,"_ She said, her eyes finally focusing on my face before she covered her mouth in an appearance of somewhat comical disbelief. " _You're bleeding! What did he do to y--"_

 _"It's not mine..."_ I said as I struggled with the ropes knotted around her wrists. 

_"you killed him?!"  
_

_"We'll talk later, hurry!"_ I said, in time with her wrists being freed. Then we both worked on the threads around her ankles. Soon, we would be but there was also something else--

_"Wait! Did you get Balder?"_

_"They won't hurt him until morning. Do you know where Thor?"_

She nodded. _"..can you fight?"_

~~~~~

I was better at aiming. In fact, I was incredible. Besides, it was necessary for me to creep into the house once more. Had we stayed in the cold outside for another ten minutes we would be reduced to snow in the morning. I got us the first cloaks on my way, few light but sharp knives from the kitchen. I also took a loaf of bread for Ylva. The girl needed it.

She ate with her eyes closed as she savored the taste until the last bite. Then she guided me north. We took the road from the jungle until we arrived at a disused cottage. Covered in rotten wood and mushrooms, there was a flicker of light coming from its broken walks. 

Ylva pointed towards the disused house. _"There,"_

I nodded, hiding further behind the dead bushes. There was only one guard there. We smiled at each other in the small victory. Though It did not last long. There was another soldier quite blessed with godly mass coming out of the door. Now there was a problem. I could only aim for one at a time and the other one wouldn't exactly stay still enough for me to aim.  

_"You aim for the bigger one. I take care of the other one,"_

_"How?"_

_"We don't have time Loki. Any minute a servant could walk up to Svad's body!"_ She had a point. I focused on the taller man, fixing my arm and elbow's angle. I closed an eye, erasing all the world except the man in front me. I inhaled and with my exhale, there was the sharp blade of the kitchen knife inside the man's jugular, right between his collarbones. He choked and fell.

The other one ran to him. Right then Ylva was running outside the bushes. I tried to withhold her but I failed.

She was fast. Incredibly so. Perhaps she must have been after years of running. The man abandoned his bleeding friend and chased her.  

This was it. This was me saving everyone.  

It was almost as my next few actions were done by themselves because the next thing I felt was Thor's familiar warmth breath on my neck. My hands were locked so tightly around his neck as He nuzzled me all over. 

 _"Is this another cruel dream?"_ He asked.

I shook my head, kissing him passionately on the lips. I just couldn't help myself. I missed him. I missed everything about him. I just... I needed to feel him in such way.  He could not stop staring at me as I was undoing the clasps around his hands and his knees. He hugged me the minute I freed him. His hands  feeling my back over and over. He wasn't asking about the blood on my clothes or face. He wasn't asking about Svad or Balder or his mother. He was just holding me for minutes. 

 _"Let me dream,"_ he said as he fainted in my arms.

~~~~~

The morning came with the flow of ships into our bay. They were few of them and certainly not from our village. They still bore the style of northmen, few dragons drawn and curved on the side of their ships and their narrow head was making them exceptionally fast. 

With Thor's heavy weight resting on my side, I couldn't made it far from the house. My path had eventually lead me into one of the shores. Now once again the misery could be upon us. _"Thor,"_ I shook his shoulder little. _"Someone's here,"_

He plainly opened his eyelids until they could see the floatings.  But there was no sign of fear there. There was hope. " _We have help,"  
_

~~~~~

Appearently after I had deserted Ivar on the solitary island, he had made a decision to bring us help instead of coming to save my unapologetic manners. 

In matter of hours the same red man who had stolen me from England became a savior. He cleared the village from Svad's soldiers quite swiftly. 

 _"Thor is like my younger brother,"_ He said as he helped me set Thor on his bed. The bedroom still triggered me, the images of the struggling man fighting for life beneath my fingers was still fresh. I tried to avoid looking at the corner where I had strangled him and diverted my attention back to maneuvering Thor on the furs _. "I sailed my ships the second I arrived,"_

Looking at Volstagg, now he seemed far less intimidating than the day he was selling me. What he did for Thor still didn't change the fact that he burnt villages in England. He may be a hero here but he was guilty for what he had caused my people. I gave him the simplest thank you I could manage. He noticed I was not interested however I barely doubt he remembered me.  

I was left alone with Thor for few minutes before Lady Frigga with an armful of Balder accompanied by Ivar came to visit us. She looked relived and he still seemed infuriated with me. I had abandoned with almost nothing after all.  

Frigga rushed to Thor's side, kissing his brow. I also rushed to her, stealing Balder from her arms as he jumped into mine. "Hello little snowflake,"  He babbled a tiny Lokka before staring around the room and then his father. _"Did you miss me?"_ I whispered into his ear and he giggled. Ticklish.

_"How is Thor?"  
_

I lookd at Thor's face for the one hundredth time that very hour; content yet scarred and pained. _"He will be alright,"_

 _"Thank you Loki,"_ she whispered. _"you rescued many people,"_

I nodded in acknowledgment. Before anything else could be said, Ivar started firing his words at me.

_"Jarl Thor will kill me the minutes he wakes up!"_

_"I'm sorry Ivar but I couldn't sit around and pray the gods to save us! "_

_"I had no food!"_

_"I had a damaged boat!"  
_

_"Oh for Odin's beard! That doesn't even-- "  
_

_"Will you stop please, Ivar? My son needs rest, "_ Frigga interrupted him. _"Besides I already asked you to attend to Sif's situation,"_

Sif.

Oh good lord. The last few days had been so adventurous and unexpected that I had completely forgotten Lady Sif! _"How is she? Has she given birth?"_

 _"Yes. a daughter,*"_ Frigga informed me. _"However I am to exile her,"_

_"Exile her?"_

_"She had been spying on us. The minutes Svad entered the village, She was revealed,"_

Of course. 

Now it was all as clear as the bright light of day. Sif was here to distract Thor, to kill me. I did not know whether I was her first motive or I was added later. It did not matter. Did she really want to kill me out of jealousy or was she supposed to murder me because  I looked like Svad's late wife? And later realized it was all in vain after she learnt the truth about the nature of Thor and I's relationship? Svad knew I had lain with Thor. Who else could have told her? People in the village ignored the dirty truth about their Jarl's preferences. It couldn't be them.

Maybe there were other spies. 

Maybe he was told by guards, or maids or even Thor himself. 

It really mattered naught. What was important was Thor and Balder being safe. 

_"What about the baby?"_

_"I can not trust a spy to raise my grand daughter. I want her here,"_

I didn't expect anything less. How ever it would have been a delight to see the exact minutes she was kicked out of village. I smiled at the wicked thought.

Frigga stayed with us for some time. She was esxusing herself rather soon though. Ivar followed suit, confessing they must attend to the damages in the village personally. 

Their presence was comforting but at the moment but their absence wasn't unwelcome. I also wanted to see Fandral and Val, to know of their whereabouts. I even missed the chatty women at the weaving house. But for now I only desired to rest. The second they left, I threw myself and Balder next to Thor on the bed. I played with the cute one (Balder ofcourse!) for some time before the weight of exhaustion  was upon me. With my head resting on Thor's shoulder and Balder sprawled on my chest, I slept. And It was the deepest I had for the past few days. 

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is where it all comes to: Home.  
> I miss this fic, I loved writing it.  
> Thank you to anyone who read and enjoyed. X  
> •Btw Mund, Mundr means protection, protector in old norse or as I like to think it could mean "Guardian".

**_12 months later_ **

_"Come now Balder,"_ I said. "Your father will be here in any minute," I sat on one knee, caressing the raven hair around Balder's face. He had grown so much since the first time I saw him. From a stranger to my own son.

" _I miss father,_ " He said.

_"This you must tell him, not me. He will be delighted in hearing it from you,"_

_"I miss Aunt Ylva, too!"_

_"Do you now, snowflake? Do you want to see her grave tomorrow, with father?_ "I pinched his nose.

He nodded eagerly, forcing his entire tiny arms in his gloves as he followed me outside. It was funny, how he acted exactly like Thor sometime. I reached for his and he held on dearly. Now it was time for the little one. I didn't let the maid carry her. Thor had often told me the children look more like me than him but it was before he was gone.

Ingrid was a year old now. She had her father's golden hair and his sky blue eyes. She didn't look much at like Sif. I often wondered where she was or whether she ever wished to raise her. It was vain thought. Whereever she was, it must be far far away. I cleared my mind. This was not time for 'if's or wonders. I was seeing Thor after 4 months. My heart was racing rapidly.

We stood in front of the village gates. Balder's fingers were wrapped tightly around my index finger and Ingrid was in my other arm _._

_"Where is father?"_

_"Patience!"_

_"But mund!"_

_"--There they are!"_

And I saw him. On his new horse; golden and broad with the man on him. I was so excited I almost dropped Ingrid to run to him. He must have seen me too. I could see how he sped up, how he found a goal. Me. His children. His family. We were grinning at each other like fools as Thor jumped off.

Balder was swifter than me, running to his father like a little rabbit. Thor lifted him up, showering him in kisses for few seconds before walking to me.

" _Welcome back, Jarl Thor,"_ I said, my voice filled with a craving I could barely suppress. His eyes were ranking over my body in such possessive way I was certain he would rip off my clothes in public if he were not as tired. _"You came victorious,"_

_"Would be notable if I didn't,"_

_"So arrogant!"_ I teasingly whispered for just the two of us. " _Here, your daughter,"_ I expanded my arm, showing him little Ingrid. " _Say hi darling,"  
_

_"Ingrid can't talk!"_ Balder interrupted, making a a face at her. He had been doing so a lot lately; making fun of his sister. I may not be their real parent but I had done more more for them than their actual mothers. It was offensive to see the elder brother treat her so _. "Balder,"_ I warned him _. "We talked about this,"_

 _"Sorry mund,"_ he didn't look sorry. The little devil was smiling. I decided to forgive him for now. He was too excited to be around his father and I didn't want to ruin it for him.

" _Do you want to rest, back in our room?"_ I asked him coyly.

_"I promised my warriors to... "_

_"Oh it's alright,"_ I tried not to appear bitter but it must have been unsuccessful for Thor was chuckling. " _I shall retrieve. Tonight. I promise,"_

~~~~~

I watched with pride as Thor made his speech in the victory hall. I was not sitting next to him that night. The children wanted to play with other younglings so I was in the corner by the fireplace. Balder had already gotten sick twice this winter and Ingrid was too young to catch a cold.

Drinks were poured and goblets were smashed together as Thor announced there would be no raids the next summer. The warriors needed a rest after the long winter. He was talking of his battle tales with so much passion that made all around him seem pale and boring. His laughter was so alive as he teased his shield brothers and sisters about any of their delinquencies. Our eyes locked for a second and the corner of his eyes wrinkled more in laughter.

"Your eyes," Fandral said from next to me.

"Excuse me?" I asked him.

"You can not hide the love you have for him," He smiled. "You two are lucky, which is why feel horrible,"

I was startled. Why was he feeling horrible? What was going on? "What do you mean you feel horrible?"

"Loki I'm going back to England," From the corner of my eyes I saw Thor observing the two of us closely. He was no longer smiling.

He was aware of our conversation.

"I wanted to ask you to come with me," He added.

"I can't. Thor wouldn't allow it,"

"He knows," He interrupted me. "He said he will not stop you if you wanted to leave."

Suddenly the earth was crashing down on me. I felt as the winds outside were choking me and the mead in my goblet was all poison. Thor... he had accepted? Did he...not love me? "He...told you that?"

"He said if you don't have to be here then you can leave. He wouldn't be angry. He wouldn't try to stop you. He said it might even be a good idea, considering you are too talented in art of healing. You could certainly ..." My eyes flew away, from Fandral's face to somewhere behind his shoulder. It was not a wise decision; A young man, definitely far more fetching than me, with perfectly braided blonde hair was holding onto Thor's arm as they walked outside. They seemed close, far too close for shield brothers. "...And that was why he thought...."

I wasn't hearing anything. The world around me was a winding with a speed of typhoon. I was drowning. I just needed to leave the room. "...I need some air," I said, standing up abruptly before running to the door.

"Loki!" Fandral called for me but I didn't stop. I couldn't hold down my legs as they carried me away. I ran from the hall to the stables and then to our bed chamber. I closed the door behind me so abruptly and leant against the wooden piece. How could Thor do this to me? Fandral's words came crashing down on me over and over again. _...He said it might even be a good idea..._

 _Ma_ ybe he was just being friendly with that young man. But...Why else he wanted me gone? If it was not for him finding a new lover. Whenever he returned from a hunt or battle, his first priority was having me on the first flat surface within reach; not preparing a dinner table for his warriors! I held back my tears. If he didn't want me here, then I was not going to beg him to change his mind. I grasped a sac, filling it with little stuff I had gathered in the last two years.

Two years! I had laid under him for two years. I had grown to love his children more than I loved my own nieces and nephews. I had called his mother my own. I had sworn loyalty to his gods and took the given name he wanted. I had killed a man for him! I felt my knees trembling. Svad's face still hunted me in my dreams. Sif's sad eyes the day she was forced to live the house. How easily he could forget everything we did for each other?

 _"You are packing already,_ " His voice didn't even startle me.

" _two rugs of clothes is not called panicking. I have nothing,_ "

_"That's not true,"_

_"Is it?"_ I had to ask. _"What do I have?"_

_"Me. If you don't care about me you must at least care for my son and daughter. You could not have faked that."  
_

How dare of him! His friend Fandral was motivating me to leave just few minutes ago and now here he was pretending to be concerned. _"I didn't fake anything!"_ I didn't bother to turn around. If it was for the fear of my rage or worse, softening at the sight of him, I didn't know.

 _"Then why are you leaving?"_ I heard him dropping his cape to the ground. Then footsteps. The room was not large, but it seemed to take forever now. _"Why, Loki?"_

 _"You asked me to, Fandral said so! You are the pretender here! not me!"_ He gripped my forearm, spinning me around and holding me flush to his body. Memories of my first night with him rushed through me. How different I was. That day I would have killed for a chance to escape and here I was in desperate need of him to hold me.

_"I didn't ask you anything! I said you're free to go! That you are not my slave! I wanted you to stay here because solely you wished to! I was wrong! You were only waiting for the first opportunity to flee away!"_

_"How could you accuse me of that? After everything I did just for you? How could you play me so cruelly?"_

_"I played you? I only ever loved you! I wished you to believe you are my equal so I freed you. Yet this is your first choice? to leave me?"_

_"I'm not stupid! You want me gone! I will not stay if I am to be tossed aside! Otherwise why would you sweet talk another when you all but denied me a single kiss since you arrived!"_

_"Sweet talk another? Now that is absurd!"_

_"Is it? Is it? I just saw you with that new warrior of yours! You left the hall with him! My presence here only makes it difficult for you to seek other lovers!"_

_"What other lover? He is Volstagg's son Loki! I was advising him on how to be a patient warrior since he was acting so repulsive in the battle!"_

_"What?"_ I asked in wonder. " _What do you mean h--"_ And then he kissed me.

It was his way of talking sometimes. He wasn't a man of many words, and he often unsheathed a sword or banged a door when he was in arguments. But to me this was his way of announcing he was helpless and confused. I didn't deny him. Quite the opposite, I climbed onto him, kissing him back with a fevered passion until we were both dizzy. _"Don't leave me,"_ He panted, pressing out foreheads together. _"You are the only one I love,"_

No words were required by me as he deposited us on the bed, covering my body with his. We didn't say much. This moment too fragile that we were both scared a single word might shatter its non-existent resistance. He kissed me; first shallow pecks to see if I will reject him and then a deep sensational one that was tingling me all over. Thor's palms tightened about my waist, lifting me up to settle me in the middle. I couldn't help the gasp that escaped me as he lifted my tunic and kissed in-between my thighs.

The thrill of it all relished me to no end. He placed open-mouthed kisses near my groin until he found my manhood. My head thumped back into the soft furs as his mouth engulfed me. Thor sucked on my manhood so sinfully, his mouth making wet noises as it grew faster and deeper. My knees were shaking, I was getting closer and closer to my edge when he stopped. I was so frustrated and yet so boneless that I didn't even register Thor was now laying above me.

It was strangely erotic, to be so helpless and plaint beneath him yet not feeling slightly frightened. I placed both my palms, open and receiving on either sides of my face, letting them feel the softness of furs. Thor's eyes didn't leave me for a second. Now being the center of his shameless attention, I felt so powerful. I parted my legs languidly and stared at him through my lashes, surrendering myself completely to him. He was panting already, his hands travelling from my knees to higher areas, fingers barely brushing my skin but their heat in that cold weather was enough to make all the hair on my body stand still.

He bent down, not aiming my mouth but planting kisses on my neck. I tilted my head to offer him better access, moaning as his fingers, slick out of nowhere entered me. The oil near the candles? on the table? I cared not.

He took his sweet time torturing me, fingers touching all the right places inside me until I was a whimpering mess with no shame left. I arched into him, planting my heels on mattress to ride his fingers. Thor groaned, adding another and urging me on, telling me how hard I was making him. I couldn't help looking down to see, He was indeed very interested in the process. I couldn't tear my gaze from his manhood. I reached down and wrapped my hands around it. It felt so hot and stiff, throbbing under the thin skin on the tip of my fingers. I stroked him. Unable to hold my urges, I rolled my hips in the same rhythm as I was touching him. Thor's fingers stopped on the perfect place inside me. His entire focus on me. Good. I wanted it nowhere else.

As I undulated my behind, His fingers kept rubbing against my nerves like the sweetest of pleasures. It wasn't to hard to imagine it was his manhood that was doing such to me. The thought was so alluring. Even though we'd done it a thousand times the thought of him pounding me into the bed in that exact moment seemed so much more enticing. I wanted him to let go, to pour all his desire into me. I didn't even realize I was moaning so loudly and needy until I heard my very own voice.

Just when I wanted to beg Thor to end this teasing, he withdrew his fingers and plunged inside in less than a second. My hands hadn't even left his erection so It was right on my entrance, Exactly when he disappeared into my body. I didn't remove it, even as he began to move inside me slowly.

One of his hands came about my face, holding my cheek and the other around my waist. _"Yes,"_ I encouraged him as he sped up. His hips were soon at a punishing pace. It was reaching so deep I feared the slightest move would break me in half. He kissed me, tongue in my mouth as he kept thrusting.

What was I _thinking_? Obviously I was not thinking. Why did I ever want to leave? How stupid could I be? I could never have this in England. I could never find a love like this. All I wanted was to be here, to have Thor lose himself because of my body.

At a particularly perfect-aimed thrust my hands flew to his shoulders, digging until his skin purpled. I lost track of thoughts as he pumped in and out of me. I was not going to last. The sight of him so lost in pleasure right above my face, the shots of arousal in my spine, The repetitive assault of his manhood right into the core of my soul, his sweat slick stomach rubbing on my own manhood was too much. It was all too much. So when he bent his head down to lap at one of my nipples, I stiffened and released. I let out few incredibly embaressing mewls in the height of my pleasure as Thor kept toying with my chest until he too found his ecstasy.

When he fell down on me, I kissed his forehead, running my fingers through his hair for few peace ful minutes until-- " _So...mund?"_ He questioned me, lazily caressing my neck and shoulders.

 _"He started calling me that out of nowhere. I don't mind"_ I paused. _"Do you?"_

 _"I wouldn't mind even if they called you father, You are certainly more of a father to them than I am,"_ He smiled, leaning down to kiss me gently. He held my face and stared into my eyes. There was no trace of playfulness in his gestures and within his next words. " _There wasn't a day when I didn't think of you, about your handsome face_ " He murmured, gazing into my eyes. _"Your wondrous eyes and your enchanting voice. It has taken roots in my dreams much like you have possessed my very soul. Your hair, falling beside your face like where branches of rivers join the ocean near the twilight of your face,"_

I was speechless. Thor was not exactly a cold emotionless man but I doubted he could say such sentimental things. Then it hit me. His sentences had a rhyme to them. Was he actually....singing poetry to me after our lovemaking? It was intriguing. I just had to giggle.

 _"Who taught you that?"_ His face immefiately fell. Huh! It was not hard to read him at all.

_"Nobody!"_

_"So If I were to ask you to say anything like what you just said, that is not what you said, you could?"_

His eyes rolled to the side in defeat and I laughed at him. Though I slightly felt guilty. Perhaps I should have just pretended to be mesmerized. _"You expect me to be a man of love yet you mock me when I try,"_ He muttered.

 _"But I loved it,"_ I said, leaning up to kiss him full on the lips. _"Though I am sure it took you a whole week to memorize it,"_

" _two_ ," He groaned, turning his head away from me. I chased him cheekily wrapping my legs around him to keep him where he was. A drip of his spend leaked out of me and if anything, it exited me further. " _You think me idiot,"_

 _"I think you adorable"_ I said, kissing his cheek, _"I think you strong"_ I bit my lips, rolling him onto his back and sitting astride him. He tried to maneuver me where he had control but I patted his hand away. It was my turn. _"I think you dominating,_ " He seemed to forget about his childish anger for now. His manhood was rising to life in me and its warm hardness was driving me dizzy with want. " _And I want you_ ," I almost whimpered the last sentence as he experimentally moved his hips . There it was again, the clenching and warmth in my lower belly, the lump in my throat that closed the road of any word except Thor's name. I moaned as he grasped my behind. I wanted him so much-- _"I want you so much,Thor--"_

 _"My Jarl your children are waiting outside_!" someone said at the door.

 _"ten minutes,"_ He barked at them, then returning to me _. "Ten minutes,"_ he grinned. I beamed, hands across his chest as I obliged.

I loved him. I may not say it, but I did. And I felt like he already knew.

~~~~~

We all hugged Fandral. I did it for longer than necessary. After all he was my first friend here. He taught me the northern language. He was the only to stand face to safe with Svadilfari and call him a liar. He had lost a hand yet he still fought bravely in any battle Thor was indulged in.

The truth was, he had only shown interest me because I did have a book in my belongings when Volstagg enslaved me. "With all that dirt on your face you barely looked human, let alone Lokelani,". And the reason he was interested was very simple. He had a lover over the ocean. Amelia was her name. They had met during the few weeks he had gone to Athens with the priests he served at the time. She had written him a final letter the last time he left.

Fandral could read few words, mostly the ones used frequently in religious notes like God, Mary and Saint. Her letter was furnished with difficult vocabulary. Part of it was even written in Roman which I didn't even know. So we had let it rest aside. But as Thor had described, The final rebellious Jarl had a servant, a Roman servant. He had made them a deal; his freedom for translation.

So The letter was now unlocked after years. She had told him of her whereabouts, that she had left her wealthy father for him and took the first ship to Mercia in a cold autumn morning with nothing but a rose he'd given her.

Fandral's mind was set. He had to return. Even as I tried to reason with him, "What if she has lost hope of finding you? "

"Then I have to find her and give her hope again," I smiled at his answer. He was a cunning man and now that he could talk properly, It was more difficult to lose his company.

He hugged Thor, Then Val who was his new best friend. As his eyes drifted down to little Balder, a tear fell onto his cheek. He kneeled infront him. _"I had many adventures with your mother and father, little Balder. Now it is your turn to discover yours,"_ He kissed his forehead. " _Be good, promise?"_

 _"Promise,"_ Balder mumbled. The snow was falling again and if he stayed outside little longer, chances were he was going to catch a cold again. Fandral's ship seemed ready to depart as well. He didn't even look back as he faded in the view. He was going to start a new adventure now.

 _"You will let me leave if I want to, yes?"_ I asked cheekily as Thor's arms wrapped around my waist.

_"Yes but I have a feeling you will not,"_

_"Ever the self-righteous,"_ I grinned, covering his hands with mine as I leant back against him.

_"Come on. Let's go home. It's snowing."_

Home. I finally had one.

 


End file.
